


Blindsided

by cohenatwood



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Sorry Not Sorry, also a detour through the crying forest, if you're expecting costia or finn to be dicks then this is NOT the fic for you, part two is hella emotional, take a stroll through angst street USA, this is my warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-17 12:32:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 44,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8144173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cohenatwood/pseuds/cohenatwood
Summary: They meet senior year of High School. They go through their lives, virtually inseparable until tragedy strikes. The inseparable become the separated and time passes. Can these two idiots find their way back to one another?
 
Or the modern AU where Clarke has been in love with Lexa forever and a day and just when they finally get together, shit goes down, separating them.





	1. There's A Pull To The Flow

**Author's Note:**

> So if you've read my latest update on my other fic I mentioned I was writing a new one. This one will have four, possibly five parts to it. It's already written out, I just need to decide if I want to split part four as it's very long. If this gets a good response, part two will be up probably tomorrow. 
> 
> This chapter isn't bad when it comes to the emotional stuff. But I will warn there are some emotional as fuck deaths to come. This first part will be in Clarke's POV and part two is in Lexa's POV then the rest is alternating. This first part is setting everything up.
> 
> Let me know what you think! As always you can come yell at me here: cohenatwood.tumblr.com

It’s Friday. An indian summer still lingers in the air as the stadium lights turn on the mass of young High School bodies and parents alike. The first week of school has officially been put in the books and to celebrate, the first football game of the season will be played under the lights. For Clarke Griffin, this will be the last first football game of the season she will see as a high school student. Clarke walks to the concession stands for something to drink before gathering with her two best friends, Raven and Octavia in the bleachers.

She pays for her medium Coke with a smile and heads towards the unofficial student section on the bleachers. On her way she sees someone she’s confident she has never seen before. Sitting towards the end of a crowd of students is a brunette. A very very beautiful brunette who she’d mistake as a model if she wasn’t sitting with a bunch of high school students. She has high cheek bones and a razor sharp jaw line. Her hair falls in soft waves over her shoulder and she has a tanned glow from probably long days in the sun. It’s her bright, almost sea-foam colored eyes that stand out the most. They are concentrated on the field, watching every play with precision. The eye-liner she wears makes them seem almost brighter. Clarke realizes she may have been staring for longer than a quick minute and decides on something.

Clarke decides to sit next to this beautiful stranger instead of her regular crowd and only starts to slightly panic as she makes her way up the risers. She silently sits down next to the stranger and only gets a little more anxiety when she realizes she somehow someway under-estimated her beauty.

The stranger takes her eyes off the game and meets Clarke’s cerulean eyes and gives her a confused smirk. Clarke returns it with a soft smile.

“This seat isn’t taken is it?” She hesitantly asks, hoping she sounded at least a little confident.

“All yours.” She replies and oh god, her voice is smooth and direct and if Clarke wasn’t already drooling she was going to be soon.

“Thanks.” She says and there’s a beat of comfortable silence. Clarke decides to take a sip of her drink she has suddenly remembered she bought something to help quench her thirst (no pun intended).

“So you must be new, well at least i’ve never seen you before and I mean if I did i’m pretty sure I would remember,” Clarke realizes what she said and wants to die in slight embarrassment. The girl smiles at her though and nods her head.

“Yeah, I just moved here actually from New York about a week ago.”

“Ah, so a girl from the city. You must already hate it here. Lord knows I do. I’m Clarke by the way.” Clarke extends her hand for a shake and the girl takes it.

“Lexa. And it’s actually not too bad. I think what will get me through it will be knowing i’m going back to a city next year.” Lexa and Clarke don’t realize it but they’re both still shaking each other’s hands. Lexa looks down and raises her eyebrows back at Clarke in amusement.

Clarke blushes slightly and lets go of Lexa’s hand. “So you’ve already planned your getaway huh?” Clarke jokes.

Lexa laughs a little and oh boy, Clarke might be in trouble if she isn’t already. She decides right then and there she wants to make Lexa laugh as much as possible.

“No, i’m a senior and I got an early scholarship to attend Polis University for writing. I’m going into journalism.” She smiles a tentative humble smile. Getting a scholarship your junior year is kind of an incredible feat.

“I’m a senior as well. Polis is actually my top school. They have a great arts program as well as medical. I’m hoping to be a surgeon with a minor in art.” Lexa quirks an eyebrow and gives a loopy grin.

“I never thought arts and surgery really went together.” Lexa’s grin turns into a toothy smile.

Clarke laughs a little. Her stomach is swirling with butterflies but she also feels incredibly calm with Lexa. She doesn’t know quite what to make of this new feeling.

“Well I think surgery is an art form in-itself,” she shrugs, “I mean just like a brush stroke there is a technique to surgery. The human body is the canvas and your instruments are the paint brushes or pencils. In my weird head they kind of go together I guess.”

Lexa has a soft almost admirable smile plastered on her face. Her gaze is soft but intense and she lightly shakes her head before turning back towards the field.

“Well, I guess I never really thought about it that way. It makes sense now that you’ve explained it.” Lexa looks over briefly before returning to the football game.

Clarke can’t help but stare at the girl as her heart went pitter-patter like in the movies and her stomach flipped and oh boy, yeah…she’s in trouble.

//

The two spend the whole game getting to know each other. She learns Lexa has moved to Arkadia with her sister and uncle. Her sister was also a senior after having been held back but wasn’t really into attending sports games, just the after parties. Clarke tells her about her mom being a surgeon and her friends Octavia and Raven. Lexa tells her about her friends in New York and some funny stories from life in the city. Before they know it, the kids are rushing the field after a close game of 21-20 with their school coming out on top. The two girls are silently surprised by the fact the game had been a nail-bitter as they were so wrapped up in their own conversation. Clarke decides to voice this while standing up from the bleachers.

“Wow, I didn’t even realize the score was that close.”

“Me either. Usually I pay more attention, honestly.” She gives Clarke a sly wink and Clarke feels like her legs might buckle.

“Next week, we should sit with Raven and Octavia, they get pretty into it. Last year, Raven actually got ejected from a basketball game for yelling at our own team for playing like ‘pansy asses’.” Lexa laughs out loud and Clarke can’t help but join along.

“Well she sounds like someone I could get along with.” Lexa smiles at Clarke but then furrows her brow.

“I didn’t keep you from them did I?” Lexa asks Clarke.

“No no no. They know how to yell and get in trouble without me.” She reassures. Lexa looks around and Clarke does the same. The stadium is starting to empty and they are both just standing on the bleachers.

“There’s a party going on. I know you said your sister likes to go to those after games. It’s actually at Octavia’s. Her brother Bellamy plays on the team also her boyfriend so naturally around this season they throw the parties. You should come and bring your sister.”

Lexa looks down and seems to be thinking about it. She looks back up at Clarke and smiles.

“Sure. I have to go back home and pick up Anya and swap my motorbike for the car. Give me your phone.” Clarke has a stupid grin on her face as she watches Lexa take her phone and inputs her number and sends herself a text.

“Text me the address and i’ll see you there, Clarke.” With that Lexa begins to jump down the bleachers as Clarke stands in place with a dopey smile. Lexa turns around and looks up at Clarke still on the bleachers. “You coming or are you planning on just hanging here all night?”

Clarke shakes herself out of her reverie and begins hopping down the bleachers. The pair walk to the emptying parking lot and like fate, Clarke parked her car right next to Lexa’s bike. Lexa chuckles, “It’s almost like fate, huh?” She jokes.

Clarke blushes a bit, “I guess it is.”

Lexa smiles as she retrieves her helmet off the back of her bike. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Clarke smiles back.

//

The party was probably the best party Clarke had ever attended and it was all due to a sea-foam eyed girl. She fit in with their group from the first introductions. Anya was a little more guarded but as the night wore on she was matching Raven snark with snark. After hanging out with everyone for awhile and drinking only slightly Clarke and Lexa climbed up on the Blake’s rooftop and talked. They talked all the way until the sun was back in the sky. Clarke told Lexa about her father’s untimely death the year before and the relationship strain between herself and her mother. Lexa told Clarke about losing her parents when she was nine to a drunk driver and most recently the loss of her uncle Gustus’ partner, Ryder, to terminal cancer 6 months earlier. The two laughed hard together and they cried together on that rooftop. It wasn’t until almost 11 am did Octavia come out of her house to yell at them that the party was over a long time ago. Anya had already left at 6 am having spent the night and left Lexa so Clarke drove her home. From then on, the two girls were inseparable.

The two didn’t have any classes together the first semester of senior year but that didn’t stop them from constantly being in each other’s presence. Clarke would walk Lexa to almost all her classes and whenever she was let out earlier she would wait for her too. Raven loved to tease Clarke about being a love-sick puppy towards Lexa. They sat together at lunch and were almost always together on the weekends whether with the usual group of Octavia, Raven, Bellamy, Lincoln, and Anya or by themselves.

When November came, the indian summer long and gone, Clarke was anxious about possibly not getting into Polis University. Her entire friend group was accepted there, sans Octavia as she was a year younger. Clarke knew it was absolutely absurd to think she wouldn’t get in. But the small percentage that she could not get in and would be apart from Lexa was enough for her to panic.

‘Clarke, you need to relax. Bellamy only shows up for AP History and he got in. You have a 4.0 GPA and your essay was immaculate.” Lexa tries to comfort the pacing blonde.

“I know I know. It’s irrational for me to be freaking out but I can’t help it Lex. I’m the last one to get their letter. What if I didn’t get in or got wait-listed? You guys are all gonna be in the city and i’m going to be stuck here in this stupid small town.” Clarke huffs.

Lexa stands from where she was sprawled out on Clarke’s bed. She grabs her hands and makes her face her.

“You’re gonna be fine Clarke. Just open the envelope. You’re stressing yourself out more than you should be. You’re getting into your own head. Take a deep breath and relax.” Lexa rubs her thumb over Clarke’s knuckles. Clarke looks into her eyes and takes a deep breath. She still doesn’t know how Lexa does that. Makes her feel like a calm hurricane. An anomaly. Gets her heart racing but also makes it beat steady. Nervous and at peace. Has never made sense.

Clarke nods her head and keeps ahold of Lexa’s hand as she walks them over to her desk where the intruding envelope awaits her trembling hands. She picks it up and Lexa gives her a reassuring squeeze and smile before letting go of her hand.

Clarke decides to just rip the bandaid off. She slashes it open and begins to read the contents. She frowns as she reads, her hands trembling even more. Lexa steps forward.

“Oh Clarke…is it bad?” Lexa sounds more nervous than before. Clarke looks up. Her face is stoic and Lexa audibly gulps, thinking the worse, before Clarke breaks out into a goofy toothy grin.

Lexa smacks her arm, “You bitch, you scared me!” Clarke begins laughing hard, doubling over and clutching her stomach with the good news still in her hands.

“I thought it’d be funny to break that cool and calm facade you always try to pull.” Clarke says in-between laughs.

“Well, i’ll be honest with you, you definitely succeeded.” She huffs

“Lexa.”

“Clarke.”

“I got in.”

“You got in.”

“We’re going to college together.”

“We are.”

“We’ll never be apart.”

“Never.”

//

Senior year flies by. Lexa has a two month fling with a girl named Luna. It’s then that Clarke realizes her feelings are a lot more than platonic. Especially when she spends Valentines Day alone while Lexa takes Luna out. She feels a little hope when Lexa comes over at 11 pm still dressed up in her date clothes with a bottle of tequila, knowing Abby was on the nightshift at the hospital. Clarke feels the jealousy burn away with each shot the two take of the tequila. It completely melts away when Lexa and Clarke are cuddling in Clarke’s bed and Lexa kisses her head and whispers, “You’re my favorite Valentine, always.” She feels Lexa’s breath even out before she can respond.

That week at school Lexa ended her fling with Luna and Clarke was hopeful and obviously pining. Raven and Octavia always had a field day in their shared biology class after lunch. Pointing out all the times Lexa was oblivious to Clarke’s puppy dog eyes. Clarke has great friends, obviously.

When senior prom rolls around two weeks before graduation, Clarke is all nerves. From what she had gathered from talks at the lunch table, Lexa was planning on asking some girl from another school. She may or may not have assumed that her and Lexa would go together. Now she was starting to panic because everyone would have a date except for her. Lincoln and Octavia were obviously going together. Raven and Anya decided to go together as ‘friends’ but everyone else knew the real truth in that. Bellamy asked a girl named Gina, and now Lexa was going to ask some girl from a different school. Clarke decides she just won’t go.

Of course on the Saturday before prom, Clarke gets the surprise of a lifetime in the form of a scavenger hunt. She spends all day with Raven driving to all the different spots with clues. She’s maybe, possibly, hoping the whole time that it’s Lexa behind all of this but she wouldn’t openly tell Raven that. All her dreams come true when they arrive at the Blake’s house in the evening and she has strict instructions to climb on their roof with a waiting Lexa who wrote out PROM? in little candles on the roof. She learns that her asking another girl was just a front to keep Clarke in the dark. It’s all romantic and feels to Clarke that maybe there is a hidden meaning in this sweet and grand gesture until Lexa spoils it.

“Obviously you’re the only person I would ever want to go to prom with since you’re my best friend.”

All Clarke can do his give her a smile and a hug and keep the tears at bay and stop that sinking feeling in her stomach.

Prom is a blast, even if they were truly only there as friends, it was a blast. Anya and Raven finally made out in front of everyone in the limo basically solidifying what everyone already knew. After the prom they drove out to the Griffin’s old lake house and partied. By the end of the night, Clarke and Lexa were curled up with each other in the hammock outside as Clarke kissed Lexa’s head and hoped college would somehow change their relationship.

//

Raven, Clarke, and Lexa decided to room off campus together. Lexa took a job at a coffee shop near their apartment and campus and that is when Lexa met her. One of the most gorgeous women on the planet, the other being Lexa of course. Costia had chocolate silky smooth skin and beautiful curls and the warmest eyes that matched her personality. Clarke could hate her. She really could, but except she absolutely couldn’t. Costia always had nothing but Lexa’s best interests at heart. She was always up for adventure and was the kindest person she probably had ever encountered. No, Clarke couldn’t hate her at all and if she could it would make everything more black and white instead of grey.

“Hey Clarke, Lexa was telling me you lost your copy of The Beautiful and Damned and I actually have another copy.”

“Clarke please join me in this karaoke duet, Lexa is a terrible singer and you’re obviously way better arm candy.”

“Hey Clarke I brought you and Lex dinner, i’m not staying I just thought you guys should have dinner and a movie night just yourselves.”

“God Clarke, I don’t know how you put up with Lex sometimes, you are one strong woman.”

Yes, Costia was the embodiment of the perfect person and during the first 3 months of hers and Lexa’s relationship, she could tolerate it. But it continued to eat away at her as she realized that this was probably the woman Lexa was going to marry.

Clarke began partying more. She kept up with her studies enough but she was searching out parties every night instead of having to go home to her shared apartment with the emerald gaze that use to be for her - focused on warm brown eyes. She gets lost into the party scene as it makes her feel better, even if it’s for a second. But in reality, when a man or a woman is on top of her, she is only thinking about those green eyes and she feels worse than before.

6 months into their freshman year of college, Clarke is shaken from her thoughts of the unobtainable. Lexa. For the first time Clarke brought a one-night stand to their apartment. In the morning, she hears Lexa and Raven bickering about what the perfect consistency of pancake batter is. Hoping to sneak her date past them in the midst of their arguing.

“Seriously Rae?! You are literally making it just powdery water.”

“Shut up Lex, who is the chemistry nerd here?”

“Not you because you’re gonna make these pancakes toxic and be put away for murder.”

Anya walks into the kitchen and looks at the batter with her face contorted into disgust.

“Sorry Rae, I gotta go with Lexa here. That looks like murder waiting to happen.”

Raven throws her hands up in exasperation, “Fuck both of you! This shit is gonna be bomb and you’ll be crying from how good it is.”

“More like crying cause i’m dying a painful death.” Lexa mutters.

Raven then picks up a spoonful of the batter and throws it at Lexa.

“Oh my god, you’re gonna pay for that.” Raven and Lexa begin trying to fling batter at each other using Anya as the shield for both of them until Raven spots their blonde roommate trying to sneak someone out. The three of them sneak to look over to where the door was. Clarke knows they are watching and gives her beautiful one night stand, Niaylah a kiss on the mouth. When Clarke enters the pancake batter war zone she looks between the three girls. Raven and Anya are smirking and giving her not so subtle thumbs up. Lexa, however, has her brow furrowed in complete confusion. Clarke also furrows her brow.

“What?” Clarke asks to all of them, but mainly directed at Lexa.

“I’m probably going to sound super super oblivious and dumb here because you two,” pointing at Anya and Raven,” obviously were aware of this but Clarke, how did I not ever notice that you are also into girls?”

There’s a beat of silence where Anya and Raven have their eyebrows raised and look at each other then at Clarke, whose mouth is agape in surprise, and then to Lexa before they burst out laughing.

“Holy shit Lex!” Raven yells out while laughing.

“I can’t tell if you’re being serious or just fucking with all of us.” Anya gets out in-between laughs.

“i’m being serious.” Lexa says in a quiet and less than amused tone.

It’s Clarke that starts laughing harder than everyone else. Is this the only reason they aren’t together right now? Lexa had no idea she was bisexual? How did she not know or guess? Granted she never went on a date while in High School, but they did talk a lot about girls they found attractive. Raven use to make pretty obvious jokes that Clarke was in love with her. How the hell did this go unnoticed?

After the three girls settle their about 3 minutes of non-stop laughter. A not at all happy Lexa stands up and walks out of the apartment.

“Shit.” Clarke mutters. Anya walks over to Clarke and puts a hand on her shoulder.

“If I would’ve known she didn’t know you also liked girls, I would have clued her in a long time ago then maybe you guys wouldn’t be doing this silly little dance.” Anya says. She walks back to where Raven has occupied herself with attempting to clean up the pancake batter all over the kitchen.

  
It’s later that Lexa returns and her and Clarke speak. It’s tense and possibly the most honest conversation the two will have until a little later in life.

“I didn’t know.” Lexa speaks quietly as Raven and Anya are asleep in the room behind where the couch is propped on the wall.

“I’m sorry. I just assumed you knew I guess.” Clarke replies.

Lexa looks away and furrows her brow and starts speaking, but it sounds like it’s more to herself, “If I would have known…I would have…” she trails off.

“Would have what?” Clarke asks, Her heart rate has suddenly picked up a lot of speed and feels like it’s going to come out of her chest. Lexa turns to look at her and she gives her a sad smile.

“You know, I use to have the biggest crush on you.” And Clarke’s heart is definitely going to fall out of her chest.

“You did?” Clarke asks tentatively.

“Yeah…”

Clarke swallows and works up the courage to ask her next question. Right now it’s so raw and real she can’t pass up this opportunity.

“What about now?” She manages to stutter out. Lexa gives her that same sad smile and reaches for her hand and begins to rub her thumb across Clarke’s knuckles like she has a million times before.

“You’re my best friend.” She shrugs and that’s when Clarke realizes how Lexa sees her now. Not a crush or a potential partner. No. Her best friend. Who you should never have romantic feelings towards because the sacred bond of a best friend should never be tested. Clarke’s heart officially breaks for the first time. But little does Clarke know, it won’t be the last time Lexa breaks her heart.

//

Lexa and Costia are in a relationship for two years. Things fizzle out naturally between the two women when Lexa goes into her junior year of college and Costia in her senior. They end things amicably and promise to remain friends, and because Costia is just that kind of person, they do. Costia stays close to the ever expanding group of delinquents. The group has now added extended members much like what they did for Anya and Lexa. The group now has geeky science nerd Monty Green, his kind of a lovable loser best friend Jasper Jordan, and Monty’s sweet boyfriend Nathan Miller as well as Costia. Clarke would be lying if she hadn’t thought about confessing her feelings towards Lexa. She wanted to. Definitely wanted to. In the two years Lexa and Costia were together, Clarke never got into a serious relationship. She dated some but nothing ever stuck. She blamed it on her budding career and needing to focus on getting into medical school, but anyone paying attention knew the real reason. The only person that mattered was obviously not paying attention.

It was two years after Costia and Lexa broke up. Lexa was now working for a publishing company straight out of college while Clarke was in her first year of medical school. The past few months it seemed Lexa was done mourning her relationship with Costia. Especially after Costia moved to California for Stanford Law School. She was openly flirty with Clarke, she seemed lighter. Jasper decided to throw a party at his house for just their band of misfits. Jasper’s house was quite big, with a pool and hot tub. It was once again the midst of an indian summer. Setting the stage for another drastic change in Clarke’s life. The first being when she met Lexa all those years ago.

Clarke, Octavia, Raven, and Anya walk into the house together laughing about how ridiculous Raven and Octavia fight.

“I’m just saying O, if you want me to go near the pussy you need to declaw it.”

“For the millionth time Raven, stop calling my cat ‘the pussy’, Jesus.” Octavia throws her hands up in exasperation. “Anya, control your girlfriends mouth…” Anya, Raven, and Clarke quirk their eyebrows at the younger girl. Octavia puts her hand up to stop the three from the inevitable jokes, “Don’t.”

The three snicker behind Octavia as she walks ahead of them further into the house. Everyone is already there except for a certain brunette. Bellamy, Lincoln, and Monty were mixing drinks in the kitchen while Jasper and Nathan were arguing about some NFL game in the living room.

Clarke furrows her brow and grabs Anya’s elbow before she can walk away to the kitchen.

“Do you know where Lex is? I figured she’d be the first one here since she didn’t work today.” Clarke asks.

“Oh, Gustus told me she was going back to Arkadia to visit him and help him paint the house today. She’ll be here later.”

“Oh. She didn’t tell me she was doing that.” Clarke furrows her brow. Anya smirks at Clarke and gives her a pat on the shoulder.

“It’s amazing. I thought after all these years you’d stop acting like a lovesick puppy towards her but nope, still the same. Don’t worry Clarke, your girl will be here.”

“She’s not my girl.” Clarke states.

“Isn’t she though?” Anya turns from Clarke and leaves her to ponder that question.

As the evening drones on and the drinks flow, Lexa finally makes her way to Jasper’s and Clarke visibly brightens up which causes Raven to just shake her head at the blonde.

“Someday, you just need to grab her and kiss her because that girl is the most oblivious person.” Raven whispers to Clarke. Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Shut up Rae.”

“I’m just saying, we’re talking about the girl who didn’t know you were bisexual for over a year and a half.”

“Whatever.” Lexa begins to make her way over to Clarke and bends down to place a kiss on top of her head.

“Hey pretty girl. Raven.” Raven smirks at Lexa’s greeting.

“You mean hello my hot best friend who is constantly banging my sister.” Raven retorts.

Lexa rolls her eyes, “You know, i’m perfectly content on pretending you and Anya don’t have sex, I don’t need you voicing it constantly.”

“Oh, but it’s so fun to watch you squirm. One time I suggested to Anya that we cut a hole into your wall so when we’re having sex I can watch you freak out.”

“Please, don’t ever do that.” Lexa lowers herself onto Clarke’s lap while Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa’s waist.

“Maybe if you stop squirming around them they wouldn’t tease you so much.” Clarke murmurs

“Hmm, whatever.” Lexa responds, picking up Clarke’s drink and putting it to her lips.

Many drinking games later, after Lexa arrived, the gang all started to crash. Clarke dozed off on the couch with Raven’s legs in her lap. Clarke drifted awake and saw everyone passed out in the living room in various positions. One person was missing though. She looked around and then saw a figure sitting on the edge of the pool with the pool lights illuminating the figure.

Clarke got up, carefully removing Raven’s legs from her lap and gently setting them down in the space she just occupied. She slowly trotted her way to the sliding door, she stepped out silently and just watched Lexa kicking her feet in the pool. Mesmerized by the simple action.

“I’m surprised you’re not asleep.” Clarke rasped. Lexa turned and cocked her head to the side and gave Clarke that sweet smile that makes her body turn over.

“And why is that?” Clarke makes her way over to sit next to Lexa and dangle her legs into the warm pool water.

“Well you did spend all day painting a house.” Clarke states

“Hmm true. I saw your mom by the way.” Lexa says, kicking some water onto Clarke’s shins.

“Yeah? How does she look?” Clarke asks. She talks to her mother regularly now but hasn’t made a trip back to her hometown in quite awhile.

“Really good…and happy. Very happy.” Lexa says with some caution to the lilt in her voice. This causes Clarke to question what she isn’t telling her.

“What? There’s more to it obviously or else you wouldn’t be trying to avoid eye contact.” Clarke says evenly.

“Well, she came over to Gustus’ and helped us some. We got to talking and she mentioned offhandedly that she was seeing someone…” Lexa finally turns to look at Clarke.

Clarke takes a deep breath. Just as Lexa turned to gauge her reaction she turns to look at their feet playing with one another in the pool. She knows it’s been almost 7 years since her father’s death, and she knows her mother deserves some happiness but it still doesn’t mean it doesn’t make her slightly uncomfortable. Lexa reaches over and grabs her hand and begins her ritualistic movement of her thumb across her knuckles.

“Are you upset?” Lexa nearly whispers.

“No, I mean…she deserves to be happy it’s just…weird I guess. But I trust you when you say she looks happy.” Clarke finally looks up and meets Lexa’s gaze.

“I know this isn’t even remotely the same situation but…when my parents passed and Anya and I were sent to live with Gustus and Ryder, I didn’t think they wanted us and I thought I was just going to be miserable for the rest of my life but then we moved in and I saw how happy they were to have us. And my mind was changed. Maybe you should go to Arkadia to visit and see how she looks. It’ll probably make more sense…anyways i’m rambling.” Lexa goes to attempt to remove her hand from Clarke’s but she stops her.

“Can we just stay like this for awhile?” Clarke asks. Lexa gives her a soft smile.

“Sure.” Clarke scoots closer so their thighs are touching and rests her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

They continue playing footsie for awhile and the moment of simplicity is starting to tense up; in a more sensual way as Lexa continues stroking her thumb over Clarke’s knuckles. Clarke decides she probably really does need to take Raven’s advice of just kissing Lexa. She swallows the nerves and lifts her head slightly from Lexa’s shoulder to get her attention. Lexa’s head turns and they are both nearly centimeters apart. Clarke can feel Lexa’s breath and sees her beautiful sea-foam eyes dart down to Clarke’s lips and Clarke finds herself doing the same. Clarke decides she’ll take the leap of faith and closes the distance.

The kiss is soft, delicate. Clarke is lightly taking Lexa’s bottom lip and then pulls away only millimeters until Lexa leans back in to kiss her with a little more pressure. Their mouths move together like they’ve been doing it all their lives.

They kiss one another for quite awhile. Years and years of pent up frustration finally exploding and Clarke is certain now that Lexa feels what she is feeling. This is right, it has always been right.

They both pull away breathless and Clarke slowly opens her eyes to dark green eyes. Lexa licks her lips and smiles at Clarke. Clarke smiles back and lays her head back on Lexa’s shoulder.

Finally.

//

After that night, Lexa and Clarke decide to not label what they are doing. Well more like Lexa wanted that and Clarke wanted to instantly be together but she understood where Lexa was coming from after a long talk. Lexa explained that they have years of great friendship under their belts and clearly there are feelings here but they need to slowly sink themselves into the water instead just jumping right in so if things happen, they can always just pull themselves back out of the water if need be. Clarke was totally fine with just jumping into the water but in truth she knew Lexa was right. Losing Lexa as a friend would hurt worse than losing her as a girlfriend or potential girlfriend.

So they dipped in slowly. Or at least that’s what it felt like for the two of them. To all their friends, they were straight up wives from their first kiss by the pool. Lexa thought of it as more of a best friends with benefits situation while Clarke thought of it as an almost lover deal.

They had sex, they lounged around with one another, they went out to dinner nearly 5 nights a week when Clarke wasn’t interning at the hospital. They spent nearly every waking hour together when their jobs didn’t interfere. At friendly functions they held hands and stole kisses. They were, in all intents and purposes, a couple.

But Clarke was getting antsy. She wanted Lexa to officially be her girlfriend. She wasn’t much for labels but she was ready to finally introduce Lexa as her girlfriend and not just her best friend wherever they went (though any bystander totally knew they were a lot more than just best friends).

She just didn’t know how to go about that conversation.

//

So now here we are. 3 months after their first intimate encounter by Jasper’s poolside. Clarke is frustrated.

“I just…I don’t know how to approach her about being official official, ya know?”

“Clarke, you both are practically already girlfriends. If it’s just about putting a label on it, just while she’s in the middle of cumming call her your girlfriend.” Raven states in a matter of fact tone.

Clarke just stares at her unamused.

“Hey, you’re the one that came to me for this.”

“I know I know. I’m just nervous. When it comes to literally anything else, I know what Lex is thinking, but when it comes to our relationship I never know what she’s thinking or feeling, unless she voices it…and we both know she is not that talkative.”

“Yeah that’s true. Look, Lex is my best friend, and I can honestly say that I don’t think you have anything to worry about. We don’t talk much about you guys when it’s just her and I hanging out, but even with a mention of you, she gets this look of just pure unadulterated love in her eyes. She adores and loves you Clarke.”

“Wait, i’m not your best friend?” Clarke asks curiously.

“Really Clarke? That’s what you got out of all of that?” Raven rolls her eyes

“Well i’ve just been calling you and O my best friends since, gee, I don’t know, we were like 12 and now i’m finding out that you actually consider my girlfriend your best friend.”

“I’m going to ignore you and point out how casually you just mentioned ‘girlfriend’. Seriously Clarke, just mention it casually. I think you are overthinking this, like you do everything.” Raven cocks an eyebrow at Clarke with a smirk.

“I do not overthink everything!” Clarke raises her voice

“Yesterday, when we drove to the grocery store and the parking lot was literally empty. There was no one there and you kept voicing out loud whether or not you should park by the door? Like, just pick a fucking spot! Don’t even get me started on when I go with you to get art supplies.” Raven shakes her head and looks down at the bill from their lunch and pulls out her credit card.

“Okay…maybe sometimes I overthink things. But I don’t mean to. My brain is going a million miles a minute most days. Not everyone can be all calm and collected like you and Lexa.”

“Which is why she is my best friend. We can just sit in silence and have a blast.” Raven deadpans.

Clarke rolls her eyes, “You guys are actually incredibly boring. When the three of us lived together it was like pulling teeth to try and get you guys to turn off ‘How It’s Made’.”

“Hey! It’s educational!”

“To know how a screwdriver is made?” Clarke raises her eyebrows.

“You never know when you might need a makeshift screwdriver, babe.” Raven shrugs.

The waiter comes back with Raven’s credit card. After putting it back in her bag the two stand to make their way from the restaurant to their respective vehicles.

“Listen, you should talk to her about it tonight since you both don’t work tomorrow. Anya and I are going on a little getaway so you’d get their apartment all to yourselves to fuck each other’s brains out after calling each other girlfriends.”

“So elegant. What’s the occasion?”

“Late anniversary gift. Like a nine month late gift. Going to some zipline thing in the woods and then during i’m surprising her with a trip to Key West for Christmas.” Raven gets to her car and searches for her keys.

“Oh wow. It still amazes me that you two have had the longest relationship to date out of everyone. Linc and Octavia broke up for a couple of years and yet you two assholes have just kept soldiering on. You think you guys will get married soon?”

“I’m thinking about asking in Key West. I’ve had enough saved up for a super nice ring for a few months. I’ll probably make you and Lex come with me to look for one after this weekend’s getaway.” Raven unlocks her door before looking back at Clarke before she heads to her own car. Clarke gives her a sweet smile.

“My little Reyes. All growns up!” Clarke reaches up and pinches Raven’s cheek.

“Once again, proving why Lexa is actually my best friend.” Raven smirks. Clarke huffs but gets pulled into an embrace by Raven.

“Seriously, Clarke. Don’t stress about tonight, she loves and wants you.” Raven says

“Okay. Thanks Rae for lunch.” Clarke pulls away from Raven and begins to walk towards her car.

“Yeah no problem Doc. I’m sure i’ll see you briefly tonight before Anya and I head out.” Raven calls out. Clarke just throws back a wave and gets into her car. Clarke watches Raven drive off and takes a deep breath while placing her hands on the steering wheel.

Raven is right, she needs to not stress and overthink this. Be cool and collected and just nonchalantly mention the idea of being girlfriends. Easy enough. It’s Lexa for crying out loud! You’ve told her everything since you were 17. But then again, it’s Lexa. Beautiful, calm, Lexa. Hard to read sometimes Lexa. And…oh god she’s panicking again.

She pulls out her phone to make the plans with Lexa. It’s not guaranteed that she can even see her tonight. She might have a late deadline.

[Clarke] 1:34; So I just had lunch with Rae and she told me her and Anya were going on a getaway for the weekend. You want to get together tonight and have our own weekend getaway…aka never leaving your bed?

[Lexa] 1:37; I was actually about to text you and ask the same thing. So…definitely in. Don’t you work Sunday though?

[Clarke] 1:37; Yeah, but I can get someone to cover it. It’s been awhile since i’ve had longer than 18 hours off. The boss man shouldn’t mind.

[Lexa] 1:42; If you say so, Doc. I probably won’t be home till about 6:30. So go ahead and come by before then and i’ll just pick up some takeout on my way home. Thai sound good?

[Clarke] 1:44; Uh yes! Also wine. I feel like being a lush while we makeout tonight.

[Lexa] 1:46; Just making out huh?

[Clarke] 1:46; If you play nice tonight, I might be willing to negotiate…

[Lexa] 1:48; I think we both know you’re the sexual fiend in this relationship so i’m rolling my eyes at you even suggesting a negotiation.

Clarke beams at Lexa’s use of the word ‘relationship’ and is suddenly feeling a lot more at ease about the conversation she is determined to have tonight.

[Clarke] 1:50; Well I never hear you complaining about my ‘sexual prowess’ so…

[Lexa] 1:50; You’re right. Because there’s obviously nothing to complain about, babe :)

Clarke can’t help the stupid grin on her face as she drives back to her apartment to get ready for her weekend ‘stay-away’ with Lexa.

//

Clarke enters Anya and Lexa’s shared apartment with her weekend bag in tow. She hears banging around in Anya’s bedroom and decides to make her presence known to the older girl.

“HEY FUCKER!” Clarke yells at Anya who has her back turned to the door. She audibly yelps and turns around to glare at Clarke.

“God I fucking hate you.” Anya clutches at her chest as Clarke has tears streaming down her face from laughing so hard.

“Lies. Anyways I promise I won’t tell anyone I made you nearly piss yourself.” She waves a hand and begins making her way further down the hall to Lexa’s room.

“You better keep that promise. I got so much shit on you, things not even Lexa knows!” Anya yells back.

Clarke rolls her eyes but also knows one hundred precent that Anya is right. She will definitely be keeping this to herself as different secrets Anya knows about flash through her head. After putting her bag away she heads back to Anya’s room.

Clarke flops herself on her bed and begins playing with her phone.

“So you excited for some one on one time with Rae?” Clarke asks

“Yes. It’s been ages. As much as I love Lexa, having her and Rae always together when she stays here can get overwhelming.” She throws more clothes in her suitcase.

“Well we could all say the same about you and Raven together. You guys are ruthless.”

“Yeah but it works. With Lexa and Raven it’s super…nerdy and I have no idea what they’re talking about half the time. When it’s the four of us, it’s easier because you and Lex are like gay puddles around each other. It’s disgusting.”

Clarke picks up a pillow and launches it at Anya’s head. “You’re an ass.” Anya chuckles.

“But a great ass.”

“Great ass indeed.” Clarke nods in agreement. There’s a moment of comfortable silence as Anya continues packing her things.

“I heard you were in meltdown mode earlier about wanting to label some things with Lex?”

“I hate Raven.” Clarke states as she begins sitting up on the bed.

“Well, if it counts for anything, I live with the girl and she’s my sister and I can confidently tell you, you have nothing to worry about,” Anya goes to sit on the bed next to Clarke and grabs her hand, “I know she’s hard to read sometimes. She’s been that way since our parents died. But when it comes to you, anyone paying enough attention can see how much she cares and adores you.”

Clarke gives Anya a soft smile and gives a squeeze to the older girls hand, “Thanks An. You guys are right. I just need to get out of my own head about it.” Anya nods her head and goes back to packing.

  
After awhile, the two girls head to the living room to watch some old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy when the front door opens and the brunette who occupies all of Clarke’s thoughts walks in with a blabbering Raven in tow. Clarke can’t help the grin that stretches on her face.

“Seriously Raven, that show is shit.” Lexa breaths out, as if she’s said it a million times in the last hour.

“It’s shit to you because you’re not digging in deeper. You’re just touching the surface, my friend. Go binge a few episodes and then take a second to analyze it. I promise you will change your outlook.” The two arguing women don’t pay any mind to the women on the couch. Just heading straight into the kitchen continuing on in their own little world. It makes Clarke and Anya roll their eyes.

“Fine, i’ll do it and if I find nothing of value, don’t ever bring the show up again in my presence.”

“That’s all I ask, Lexa-rexa.”

“Don’t ever say that again. You keep trying to make it stick but it hasn’t yet so you might as well give it up.”

“Someday…it will someday. Mark my words.”

Clarke and Anya finally have had enough of their constant bantering and head to the kitchen to break it up before they start in on some new NASA exploration and they’re stuck hearing about it for the next four hours.

“Oh, hey Anya, my wonderful girlfriend. It’s so great to see you!” Anya mocks.

“Oh hush. We saw you both, i’m just in the habit of not stopping a conversation when it clearly hasn’t ended.” Raven says, rolling her eyes and placing a kiss on Anya’s head. Clarke scoffs.

“I have plenty of conversational evidence that you love to leave in the middle of a talk.” Clarke stares at her pointedly. Raven sees Anya slightly nodding her head in agreement.

“Okay, correction. When it comes to Lexa-rexa I like to see our conversations through to the end.”

Lexa groans and throws her hands up, “What did I just say about that stupid nickname oh my god.”

Clarke laughs and walks over to Lexa and wraps her arms around her waist, “I think you secretly adore it.”

“No.” Lexa stoically stares at Clarke.

“Fair enough. Aren’t you two suppose to be hitting the road? It’s already getting pretty late.” Clarke turns to Raven and Anya.

“Yeah, just here to collect my lady and her things and then the sex-den is all yours.” Raven winks.

Clarke blushes while Lexa just rolls her eyes. Anya shakes her head at her long-time loves antics but has an amused smile on her face. She starts heading to her bedroom to retrieve her weekend bag.

Clarke grabs her’s and Lexa’s takeout containers and heads towards the living room while Lexa pours wine and continues discussing pure gibberish (at least to Clarke) with Raven. The two finally make their way to the living room, Lexa placing the glasses in front of Clarke and leans down to place a chaste kiss on Clarke’s lips before sitting down next to the blonde.

Anya makes her way back to the other three, bag in tow, ready to start her romantic getaway with Raven.

“Alright kids. Remember to call the police you dial 9-1-1 and please use protection.” Anya jokes, Raven gives her a smug smile.

“I think you need a sex-ed lesson.” Lexa throws back.

“I think Raven would disagree with that statement.” Anya smirks. Lexa gags a little on her food from the statement.

“Too easy.” Raven says with a chuckle. She grabs Anya’s bag and starts heading towards the door.

“Okay in all seriousness. Don’t burn down the place. I’ll shoot you a text when we get to the cabin-hotel thing.” Anya says as she makes her way to the door with Raven.

“Alright, have fun crazies.” Clarke throws out before she hears the click of the door.

Lexa sighs and lays her head back on the couch. She looks over at Clarke and smiles.

“Hi.”

“Hey yourself.” Clarke smiles and leans in to place a kiss on Lexa’s plump lips. It’s sweet with the taste of wine and spicy with the thai food. She feels Lexa smile in the kiss, making her smile as well before she breaks the kiss.

“Hmm.” Lexa sighs contentedly.

“I missed you. It’s been a few days.” Clarke says, scooting closer to Lexa so she can cuddle her.

“Well, we got the whole weekend.” Lexa puts her arm around Clarke as Clarke leans her head onto Lexa’s chest. Lexa kisses her head.

“That we do.” Clarke states.

//

The wine bottle drained, takeout boxes haphazardly thrown onto the counter in the kitchen, and soft music playing, Clarke and Lexa are entwined with one another on the couch. Hands are wandering all over the place, playful bite marks are exchanged between the two. Clarke has never felt more in-sync with another individual in her life. The way her and Lexa move with one another, a soft rhythm that flows through each of their veins. An addiction.

Before Clarke can fall even further into intoxication due to Lexa moving so fluidly about her as her lips dance with her own, she needs to define this. It’s the reason she has been so stressed all week. Since their first kiss if she was being honest with herself.

Clarke finds the strength to break apart their rhythm by pushing at Lexa’s shoulders. Lexa immediately stops her ministrations and sits up off of Clarke.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” Lexa asks, worry in her voice.

“No no, you’re fine. I just need a second.” Clarke heaves out, breathless. She sits up from where she was laying on the couch. Lexa studies her.

“Something’s wrong.” It’s not a question but a statement.

“Nothing is wrong. I just…i’ve been thinking.” Clarke casts her gaze down, knowing her resolve will break if she peers into the lustful emerald eyes of the woman she loves. Yes she loves her. Has loved her since she was 17.

“Okay…what’s up?” Lexa asks tentatively.

“It’s just…what are we doing Lex?” Clarke finally looks at Lexa. Her face as stoic as ever.

“What do you mean?” Lexa asks void of emotion.

“Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Making it seem like you don’t care what I have to say.” Clarke whispers. She’s never admitted how sometimes Lexa comes across to her. The admission softens Lexa.

“Oh Clarke…I always care what you think or say. I’m sorry if i’ve ever made you feel any differently. Truth be told, I hang on every word you say.” Lexa reaches out to Clarke’s thigh and begins rubbing her thumb.

Clarke’s eyes glint from the admission. It’s the most intimate thing Lexa has ever really admitted to her thus far. Clarke now feels a surge of confidence. She places her hand on top of Lexa’s and begins stroking her thumb.

“It’s okay. It’s just-it’s…it’s hard to read you sometimes. I never really know what you’re thinking or feeling unless you say something. And we both know you’re not the most talkative human being unless you’re arguing with Raven.” Clarke says with a shrug. She feels the vulnerability in her words.

Lexa sighs deep. Clearly not expecting this type of conversation this evening. She brings her free hand up to run through her hair. Clarke decides to continue.

“And I like that about you. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just sometimes I feel like i’m the only one taking the steps here. You told me awhile ago that you wanted to go slow, and I respect that, I absolutely do. But it confuses me when we act like…this,” she gestures with her free hand between the two of them,” eating dinner together, staying with one another for days at a time. It makes me feel like we’re in a full on relationship I guess.”

Lexa swallows, “Are you saying…you- you want to stop?” Clarke shifts closer in a panic.

“No no. Not at all. Not even close.” Clarke places a soft kiss on Lexa’s lips to reassure her.

“Are you sure?” Lexa whispers. It’s the most vulnerable Clarke has really ever seen the girl when it comes to their relationship.

“I’m sure…Lex I-“ Clarke stops. Thinking about what she was about to confess. A confession held in for so many years. Something Clarke is quite certain now that she has almost said it, she can’t keep it in anymore.

“I love you. Did you know that?” Clarke whispers with her forehead on Lexa’s. She feels Lexa nod and can hear her swallow as she opens her mouth to reply.

**BANG BANG BANG.**

Loud knocking startles them out of their world. Lexa’s possible confession to Clarke dies as she gets up to answer the door.

“Lexa Woods?” A deep voice asks. Clarke decides to get up and see who it is. She sees two police officers staring solemnly at Lexa flicking their eyes to Clarke briefly.

“Yes. That’s me.”

“There was an accident, out on highway 91. You were listed as an emergency contact for an ‘Anya Woods’.”

“Is she okay? What happened? There was a passenger with her, are they both okay?” Clarke can hear the panic in Lexa’s voice and rushes over to grab her hand.

“I don’t know much ma’m, I know one of them was awake and alert. Another car hit them going pretty fast and they rolled a lot. Other police are at the crash site investigating. I think it’s best if we escort you to the hospital so you can get more answers.”

Lexa doesn’t even grab her jacket before she rushes out the door with Clarke in tow, bracing herself for what was about to follow. What neither of them would know is they could both never be prepared for what was to come.


	2. The End Of A Bloodline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tragedy strikes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is emotional as fuck. There are some deaths. A small panic attack happens, it's very very brief. Don't hate me too much after this part, there's quite a bit of story to tell and Clarke and Lexa are on a journey. This part is focused on Lexa's POV. Next part will be alternating and the part after will be as well.
> 
> I still haven't decided if I want to split the fourth part up or not. I'll figure it out.
> 
> Expect the third part probably Friday evening. I haven't had time to go through and edit things and my real life job comes first.
> 
> As always you can come yell at me here: cohenatwood.tumblr.com

The beep of the monitor was deafening. The room with the white walls, suffocating. Lexa looks up to the door where Abby Griffin stands in her white coat. Her mouth is moving but Lexa can’t hear the words. The monitor just beeping and beeping, drowning out everything. Her fingers pressed on a wrist. Lexa registers that the steady beat she is feeling is a fraud. It’s not a real heartbeat anymore. Because the person that the wrist is attached to was declared brain dead 45 minutes ago.

Lexa looks away from Abby back to the wrist and hand she was holding. She guesses Abby is still attempting to talk to her, but she can’t hear anything but that beeping.

She feels a hand go to her shoulder. A familiar hand that has traced her skin many times.

She hears a faint, “Lex.”

“Lex.”

It’s getting louder now. The beeping starting to fade in the background.

“Lexa.”

“Lex.” It’s Clarke. Her voice quiet and trembling. Lexa can hear it. She can finally hear something other than the beeping. Lexa turns to Clarke, meeting her red rimmed cerulean eyes.

“Mom said Raven is out of surgery and awake. I’m going to go see her, do you want me to tell her?” Clarke’s voice is cracking, the lump in her throat clear as day. Lexa recognizes it, as she as well has a lump in her throat.

Lexa can’t say anything. Her voice doesn’t work. The beeping begins to drown out Clarke’s pleads of her name. She turns to look at the monitor. Beep. Beep. Beep.

//

Lexa finally comes back to reality after receiving the news two hours before. She realizes who she needs to see now to get the final decision. Gustus, tears streaming down his face, gives her a nod of encouragement from his seat on the other side of Anya as Lexa stands to make her way to the other ICU room.

Lexa looks back at Gustus one more time, watching the big burly man, silent tears running down his face as he brushes a piece of Anya’s hair from her face. She puts on her stoic mask and makes her way out of the room for the first time in a few hours.

People are milling around, hospital life still raging on. Lexa makes her walk to the other corridor before finding the room. She sees the tan skinned girl, brunette hair. Laying in her bed with tubes coming from her arm and nose. Leg with all sorts of pins and a metal halo around it. Cuts all over her. Lexa swallows, takes a deep breath and opens the door.

Raven looks at Lexa. The look in Raven’s eyes tells her she knows what Lexa is there to tell her. Lexa sees Clarke sitting by the wall with Octavia. The minute Clarke and Lexa lock eyes, Clarke puts her head in her hands, knowing what was about to come.

“I need your help, Raven.” Lexa states. She hopes her voice didn’t tremble.

“Is Anya being difficult in her bed? Do I need to go knock some sense in her?” Raven tries, everyone in the room knows Raven is deflecting the news she knows is about to come. At this, Octavia also bends her head, not able to watch the scene unfold.

“No.” Lexa says.

Raven’s eyes start to well up, her resolve breaking, “She not eating or something? Buy her chicken nuggets from McDonalds, that always does the trick. You know how much she hates hospital food.” At the end of the sentence Raven’s voice cracks.

Lexa swallows, her stoicism faltering. “No.”

Raven starts to let the tears drop, anger bubbling to the surface, “Well stop giving me one word syllables then. Just fucking say it Lexa!”

“Raven.” Clarke says, finally looking up.

Lexa moves her jaw from side to side, watching Raven already crying. She takes a deep breath and readies herself.

“At 3:52 this morning, I was informed that Anya is not Anya anymore. Her brain swelled too much, she is only alive now by way of a life support machine. Gustus and I have been given papers to sign. I need your help.” Lexa’s own voice cracks at the word ‘help’.

A violent sob rips out into the room. Octavia gets up from her chair silently sobbing as she reaches for Raven’s hand.

“No! No! Please, No!” Raven cries out.

Lexa looks down to the grey tile floor of the ICU. Finding a speck to focus on as she hears more sobs rip through the room.

After a half an hour, Raven’s sobbing begins to taper off. Lexa hasn’t moved from her spot as she listened to Clarke and Octavia try to soothe her, crying their own tears. She continues staring at the speck, determined not to break her resolve.

“What do you need me to do?” Raven hiccups.

It takes a second for Lexa to realize she is speaking to her. Her eyes finally moving from the speck to red rimmed brown eyes.

“Organ donation. I need help. With that.”

“Okay.” Raven says with a shaky breath.

//

After sorting with Raven what to donate, it came time to sign the papers to end her sister’s life. Lexa keeps her back to the wall outside of Anya’s room as one by one, their group of delinquents give teary goodbye’s. She hears the cries, the whispers. She stares at a schedule on the opposite wall in an attempt to drown it all out. She feels Gustus slip his big, calloused hand into hers, waiting patiently. Letting everyone take their time as to prolong the inevitable.

Bellamy, being the last of the delinquents to say goodbye, finally walks out. Tears streaming as he covers his face with his hand and starts shaking his head, he passes Lexa and Gustus. He places a reassuring squeeze on Lexa’s forearm, not looking her in the eye as he speed walks towards the waiting area where everyone else would surely be camped out.

Finally, Abby makes her way with Raven in a wheel chair. A nurse trailing behind with a cart full of equipment. Abby stops with an already silently crying Raven in front of Lexa and Gustus. She gestures for them to go ahead and enter the room. Lexa lets go of Gustus’s hand and goes to step behind Raven’s wheel chair. Abby steps out of the way and lets Lexa wheel Raven into the room. Lexa places Raven right beside Anya watching as she reaches for the same hand Lexa had been holding earlier. She wonders if Raven can feel it too. The fraudulent beat. The false sense of hope.

Lexa moves to the other side of the bed. She grabs Anya’s other hand while Gustus reaches to put a hand on Anya’s leg. Lexa looks up at Abby, gives her a nod. Abby nods to the waiting nurse and she begins going to the multiple machines. She switches one machine off…then another…then another. She moves behind Anya’s head to remove the tube in her throat. With this movement Lexa moves her fingers to Anya’s wrist. She feels the once fraudulent beat begin to hold the truth, it slows and slows and slows. The tube finally gets removed and Anya gasps one last breath. Then it’s over. The once pounding muscle that kept her alive, stills. The beat is gone. The deafening beeping in Lexa’s head stops.

The nurse maneuvers her way as to not disturb Gustus, Raven, or Lexa to check for a heartbeat. She finds none. She turns to Abby to give her a nod. Lexa finally looks from where her eyes were trained on her fingers holding the limp wrist. Abby has tears streaming down her face as she simply mouths instead of voices,

“Time of death, 10:53 am.”

//

The funeral happened in a blur to Lexa. People who probably talked to Anya maybe once in their lives expressing how much they’ll miss her. Showing Lexa they didn’t really know her at all when they call her ‘sweet’ and ‘nice’. They just want a reason to feel sad.

Gustus and Lexa didn’t have enough money to take Anya’s body back to New York where their parents and their Uncle Ryder were buried, so they decided it best to bury her in Polis. It made sense, considering she spent more time in Polis than in Arkadia. It would mean Raven could visit the grave when she was released from the hospital. Lexa didn’t want to deny Raven that luxury, since she already couldn’t attend the funeral.

After the funeral, everyone gathered in Lexa and Anya’s once shared apartment, eating and whispering throughout. Lexa takes a seat by the window just staring out at the different guests, not really in the mood for entertaining. Understandable to everyone else.

Gustus makes his way over to the niece he now considers his daughter and sinks down next to her.

“There’s too many people here.” Gustus speaks, after a moment of silence between the two.

Lexa just nods.

“If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought your sister actually had friends.” He tries to joke.

Lexa just shrugs and sighs.

“You know. I don’t think i’ve heard you speak since the hospital. I’m starting to worry Lex. And I don’t think i’m the only one.” Lexa can see Gustus look at blonde wavy hair from across the room. She clenches her jaw.

Gustus lowers his voice and reaches for Lexa’s hand, “I would never force you to talk, and since we’re on the topic, I wouldn’t force you to cry either. Just know that whenever you are ready to speak, I will always listen. If you want to cry, I will take you out to the nearest field and let you scream it out into the void. If you want to hit something, I will let you hit me. So I can tell your friends that I believe they don’t need to be hovering over you for the next weeks ahead, just nod to me that you understand that when you are ready to use any sort of outlet, I am here.”

Lexa swallows and gives a squeeze to Gustus’s hand.

She lightly nods. Still staring out at the many people in her apartment.

He smirks a little then drops Lexa’s hand before standing and placing a kiss on her head and walking out into the crowd.

Lexa sits for awhile in the same spot before getting overwhelmingly tired and silently makes her way to her bedroom. She passes by Anya’s, which is slightly ajar. She quickly takes a peek and sees no one in there and shuts it before making her way to her own bedroom. She strips herself of her black dress, too tired emotionally and physically to get pajama’s out and just slips under the covers.

At some point she feels a hand caressing her face. She knows who it is but refuses to meet the blue eyes staring at her in the dark. She loves Clarke. Always has and has accepted she always will, but she feels inadequate right now. She has always wanted to protect her, but she feels that this time, she can’t carry both their grief. So she keeps her eyes close, tries to keep her breathing even. She hopes Gustus reassured her and that she will go to her own apartment for the evening.

After a moment, she feels a light kiss pressed to her cheek and light padding on the floor before she hears her door click. Lexa opens her eyes and sighs into the dark void that is her room.

//

She realizes three days later that Anya might actually come back from the dead and kick her ass for not talking to anyone anymore. So she begins talking. It surprises everyone at first, but eventually they stop gawking at her whenever she opens her mouth.

She begins seeing Clarke again. But she’d be lying to herself if she said everything was back to the way it was. Part of her wants to just hold the blue-eyed beauty for the rest of her life, the other part of her is scared that she’ll never be able to be the same after this, and will not be able to give Clarke what she wants and deserves.

So she keeps her at arms length.

She also hasn’t been by to see Raven. Can’t bare the thought of looking into her best friends eyes and seeing the same emptiness that she sees when she stares at her own reflection.

Their group of friends update her without Lexa prompting it though. Lexa learns her late sister’s girlfriend had one more surgery and will soon be moved into a rehabilitation hospital to re-learn how to walk. They don’t talk about how Raven’s doing emotionally though, and quite frankly, Lexa doesn’t want to know because she can make her own hypothesis about her feelings.

“I made you some soup.” Clarke carries two bowls of soup as Lexa lays on the couch in Clarke’s apartment.

“Thanks.” She mumbles. It’s been two weeks since the funeral and Thanksgiving was tomorrow. She was reminded about the holiday when Gustus texted her to let her know Abby wanted the two of them at her house this year instead of Abby and Clarke at Gustus’s house. She then shut down, realizing Anya was not going to be here for her own favorite holiday.

Clarke moves Lexa’s legs to set them on her lap. She begins rubbing Lexa’s blanket covered thigh.

“You need to eat. Even if it’s just a spoonful every once and awhile.” Clarke attempts to coax her out of her fasting.

Lexa sighs and turns her body so she is lying on her back, “I’m just not hungry. Maybe later.”

“Okay.” Clarke nervously taps a little on Lexa’s legs. “What time do you want to leave to Arkadia tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. I kind of just want to stay here.” Lexa looks at Clarke finally.

Clarke sighs, “Lex, you already told Gus and mom that you were going. I think it’d be best for you to go instead of lying on this couch. I know it’s going to be a hard day, but we’ll get through it together, all of us.”

Lexa swallows and turns her body back towards the television, “You’re not my girlfriend, I don’t need you to baby me.” Lexa says, quite harshly.

Clarke closes her eyes and swallows. Lexa can see she’s hurt Clarke with those words but can’t seem to stop the anger boiling out. An anger that has been building since two police officers knocked on her apartment door.

“No i’m not.” Clarke cracks out, “but i’m your best friend and if getting mad at me is what you need to do then do it. Better than having you shut us all out completely.”

“Who says I was shutting you guys out? Maybe I just don’t like you anymore.” Lexa immediately regrets it the minute she says it.

Clarke takes a watery deep breath, “You don’t mean that.” She nearly whispers.

Lexa sits up off of Clarke, her anger starting to get the better of her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you dictate what I do and do not mean. My apologies.” She rasps, dripping in sarcasm.

“You’re really going to pick a fight because you don’t want to go home tomorrow. Stop being childish.” Clarke stares hard at Lexa, challenging her.

“I’m not picking a fight. I’m just being honest, like everyone has been wanting me to be since all this fucked up shit happened! I’m sick of you being around me all the time! Waiting for me to explode, well here you go, Clarke!” Lexa stands up and goes to Clarke’s bedroom for her bag, she hears Clarke follow her.

“Where are you going? No one has been waiting for you to explode, Lexa. You lost your sister, almost lost your best friend, and you haven’t cried, not once. You bottle it up until it bubbles over and it’s not healthy.” Clarke attempts to keep her voice down.

Lexa shakes her head, she knows Clarke is right. She hasn’t cried at all, she’s just numb to the entire situation.

“I can’t do this, Clarke. I can’t…I-I” And then it happens. Where she was feeling numbness, she was now feeling everything. Where she was shutting it out, she was letting it in. The tears start slowly coming down her cheeks. Clarke freezes, clearly expecting more yelling instead of Lexa actually breaking down. She’s not uncontrollably sobbing, but is starting to have a silent panic attack.

Lexa doesn’t remember how she ended up sitting on the floor near Clarke’s bed but there she was. She doesn’t remember when Clarke put her arms around her. She doesn’t remember when Clarke and her started counting - awhile it seems as they are up to 73 now.

“74” Clarke whispers.

“74” Lexa mimics.

“75”

“75”

“76”

“76…”

//

“I didn’t mean it. That I don’t like you anymore.” Lexa whispers. She’s curled up with Clarke now, listening as the rain hits the window outside in Clarke’s bedroom. It had been two hours since the panic attack. Clarke is holding her now in bed, gently rubbing circles on Lexa’s back.

“I know. I’m kind of hard not to like.” And Lexa can feel her smirking in the dark and it makes her chuckle for the first time in a couple of weeks.

“Something like that.” Lexa replies.

There’s a beat of silence. Nothing but soft breathing and pelting rain making noise in the dark bedroom.

“I hate the rain.” Lexa says.

“You do? I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned that before.” Clarke sounds confused.

“I do. Nothing good ever happens when it rains. It’s a bad omen. Especially for lovers.” Lexa states matter-of-factly.

“Hmm.” Clarke hums.

A beat of silence.

“It was raining when my parents died.” Lexa all but whispers.

Clarke places a kiss on the crown of Lexa’s head.

“It was raining when Ryder passed.” Lexa continues.

“And it was raining when Anya.” Clarke finishes for her.

Lexa burrows her head further into Clarke’s chest.

“I’m scared of the rain.” Lexa whispers as if she were a young child. Clarke squeezes her arms tighter around Lexa, as if to protect her.

“It won’t hurt you anymore. I won’t let it.” Clarke whispers back.

Lexa just nods her head and feels herself slipping into a dream, exhausted from the evenings events. Feeling completely safe from the rain outside while in the girl she loves’ arms.

//

“Lex.” She faintly hears Clarke whisper.

“Lexa.” She feels a hand smoothing down her back.

“Hm?” Lexa awakens groggily. She notices it’s still dark out.

“I accidentally answered your phone thinking it was mine, someone is asking for you.” Clarke states.

Lexa sits up and grabs the phone from Clarke’s hands.

“Hello?” She rasps.

“Is this Alexandria Woods?” A deep voice asks.

“Yes it is…” She skeptically answers.

“I’m Detective Carson, you are listed under Gustus Wood’s next of kin?” He asks.

“Yes, i’m his niece. What’s wrong?” Lexa is sitting up even straighter now, heart pounding in her ears.

“I’m so sorry ma’m.” He starts, “At around 11:43pm your uncle was in the Ark Mini-Mart. It looked as if he was getting last minute ingredients for something, cooking-wise. Two young adults walked into the mart and attempted to rob the cashier. We got one of the suspects and he told us that they didn’t know he was also in the Mart at the time and when he revealed himself and tried to talk his accomplice down, the accomplice panicked and shot him in the heart. He bled out too quickly. I’m so sorry Ms. Woods. We need the next of kin to come to Ark Hospital to identify his body.”

Lexa’s head and mind are reeling. Is this a joke? It has to be right? Whatever powers that be are not this cruel. She blanches and the phone falls onto the bed. Clarke is wide-eyed and flips on the bedside lamp. Lexa sees her grab the phone and can hear her asking the man what he had just said to her. She hears Clarke gasp and a strangled cry come out.

Lexa looks towards the window, the night representing how much her walls are closing in on her.

It’s still raining. She hates the rain.

//

It’s cold. That’s the first thing Lexa thinks as she descends down towards the basement of the hospital. Of course Clarke and herself got into the car the minute they were able to get their selves together enough to drive. Lexa was in denial the entire 45 minute drive. It wasn’t him. It can’t be him. Life is not this cruel. It can’t be. There is hope, there has to be.

She’s rambled off a list of why it probably wasn’t Gustus. She kept repeating them to Clarke, but mostly herself on the way.

“Maybe he got his wallet stolen earlier. The person who stole it was the one murdered.”

“Yeah.” All Clarke could do was comply.

“He’s probably not answering his phone because it’s dead. He always forgets to charge it.”

“That’s true.”

As they got closer and closer to Ark Hospital, Lexa’s resolve began breaking. Her flicker of hope dimming as the lights to the hospital came into view.

Clarke had attempted to go with Lexa into the basement but she refused. She needed to do this alone.

Detective Carson and a medical examiner greet her with solemn eyes as she approaches them by a door.

“This way.” Detective Carson puts his hand on her shoulder blades to guide her into the room.

She takes in the room. There’s a viewing window in which the Detective goes to stand by. A door on the same wall enters into a separate room. She stands next to the Detective as the medical examiner goes through the door. She sees a big body with a white sheet over it. Medical tools all around it. She sees the scrawny medical examiner look towards the Detective to get the go ahead. He nods in Lexa’s peripheral.

The examiner lifts the sheet and folds the excess just before the fatal wound.

Lexa takes a deep breath and she sees it. Her hope dies.

She shuts her eyes tightly as stray tears begin running down her face. Watching the candle of hope extinguish under her closed eyelids.

She feels a soft squeeze on her shoulder.

“I’m so sorry for your loss Ms.Woods.” Detective Carson whispers.

Life is definitely cruel.

//

Lexa makes her way back up the stairs. She has silent tears running down her face. As she makes her way over to where Clarke is whispering with Abby she attempts to wipe the tears away and put on a brave face.

“Lexa.” Abby sighs when she approaches.

“Yeah…” She sniffs and nods, “It’s him.”

Abby begins to shake her head as tears roll down her cheeks and looks away from both Clarke and Lexa. Clarke’s eyes begin to well up as her gaze looks at a spot on the floor. Lexa stands there for a beat, before she breaks the silence.

“I need…I need to go.” Lexa says. Abby snaps back around as Clarke looks at her.

“You can come back to my house, take a second.” Abby sniffs.

“No no, I need - I just need to be alone right now.” Lexa tries.

“Lex.” Clarke chokes.

Lexa doesn’t pay any more mind to what Clarke says as she begins heading for the hospital doors. She walks out and feels the light rain hit her face. It’s still dark, a sign of the impending winter that is about to come. She begins walking.

She walks and walks and walks. No destination in mind. She thinks about the past few weeks. What she’s lost. The impending doom she is feeling. Is everyone she cares about suppose to leave her in the end?

Nobody should have an exact moment where they became utterly alone in the world. But Lexa does. The minute Gustus took his final breath, she officially became completely alone. She had no other family. Gustus was her father’s brother, her mother didn’t have siblings nor did her parents or her father’s parents. No grandparents, no parents, no secret uncles or aunts, no Ryder, no Gustus, and no Anya. She was the last of it. Alone.

Lexa stands in the middle of a field. Sarcastically chuckling at the irony of it. Gustus had said he would take her out to a field so she can scream into the void if she wanted. It had finally stopped raining and here she was in a field. So she screams.

She yells so much that she is physically exhausted. She yells and cries out in agony, shouting to the void how much pain she was really in. Cursing the fates for what they have bestowed upon her shoulders. She screams until the pink sky begins to touch the horizon of the field. She takes deeps breaths, trying to steady herself; her grief.

She knows there is no way she will be able to make a walk back into town. Her exhaustion taking over. She finally pulls her phone out of her pocket and turns it on. The first thing she notices is the time, she had probably been in the field yelling for a good hour and a half. Adding on the walk out of Arkadia she has been away from the hospital for almost 3 hours. Then missed calls and text messages begin to fill her screen.

[Clarke] 3:29; Where are you?

[Clarke] 3:36; Please tell me where you went.

[Clarke] 3:44; You’re scaring me, please just at least tell me you’re okay. That you’re not lying in some ditch somewhere!

[Octavia] 3:50; Clarke called, i’m so sorry Lex. Please answer someone, we’re freaking out.

[Lincoln] 4:03; Lexa, pick up the phone please. Or just shoot any one of us a text, it can be anything. We just need to know you didn’t…that you’re okay.

[Bellamy] 4:21; I know you have probably got a lot of missed calls and texts already but let me add to the list, ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!

[Clarke] 4:24; I know it’s hard. I know you’re feeling alone right now. But I am here. I am here and I love you. Please answer me.

[Bellamy] 4:32; Lexa, just send me one freaking letter and ill tell everyone to back off.

[Jasper] 4:42; Alright, We’ve all made it to Arkadia and are currently starting a search party, so if you want me to call it off, shoot me a text!

[Monty] 4:43; I know this is really hard. But we all love you so much. We are here for you. We’re all at Clarke’s old house, she’s a mess. Come back.

[Octavia] 4:54; LEXA GET BACK HERE NOW!!

…and many more texts and voicemails going exactly like that.

She decides she’ll make the trek back to Arkadia after all. The adrenaline from the multiple texts and what they contained giving her energy.

As she jogs slightly she thinks of the pitiful looks she will be receiving. She pushes that away. But one thing that won’t leave her mind is looking into the faces of her friends, of the girl she loves and wondering, who will be next?

Obviously she is some sort of grim reaper in disguise. Right? Everyone around her is dying. The people she’s closest to are leaving. She’s become so hollow now as she gets further into the city. She nears the neighborhood of the Griffin household. She remembers so many nights spent sneaking out of her house to climb up the tree by Clarke’s window and stealing her away for a late night adventure. How so oblivious she was to Clarke’s affections. How she secretly thrived on the attention Clarke would give her. When she figured it out, a lot earlier than she would admit out loud, that Clarke was in love with her. Clarke. No way would she be able to let Clarke die. Even if it meant Clarke will hate Lexa for the rest of her life.

She nears the Griffin household, multiple cars are lined up on the street and driveway. She walks up the walkway and silently slips into the door. She hears murmurings from within the living room.

Lexa decides to walk towards the quiet chattering, she goes down the long hallway into where the living room is. Abby is sitting on one of the kitchen chairs that she dragged into the living room. Bellamy is on the couch next to Lincoln who is sandwiched in-between Bell and Octavia. Monty is in one of the recliners and Jasper is in the other. Clarke isn’t anywhere to be found.

She steps in and all eyes fall to her. Bellamy is surprisingly the first one to his feet walking towards her. Both their faces stoic as ever. He puts his hand on her shoulder and gives her a tight-lipped smile of sympathy.

“Sometimes, I think you enjoy giving us all heart attacks.” Bellamy says. And Lexa is so grateful that he didn’t try to say sorry for her loss, or yell at her.

“Not my fault you guys scare so easily.” She counters. Bellamy smirks, they are speaking in their own code and Bellamy knows. He pulls her into a hug and lightly rubs her back.

“Well in that case, I guess I need to start taking an aspirin everyday.” He chuckles. Lexa smiles slightly at this.

“Well you are getting old.” She pulls away from his hug. She looks to Abby who has tears welling up in her eyes at the exchange.

“Lexa?” She hears called from behind her in the hallway. She sees Clarke, swollen red eyes, hair disheveled. Nose raw.

Clarke is instantly walking over to her and putting her arms around her. Lexa just keeps her arms to her side. She finally only puts one arm around her, a half-hearted attempt at a hug. Lincoln is the only one who notices. Lexa decides to speak first before everyone else begins to express their condolences. Not everyone can speak the secret code her and Bellamy have.

She lightly pushes away from Clarke, not enough to alarm her though.

“I don’t want to hear any of it. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to get the arrangements made and be done.” She then turns to Clarke pointedly, knowing the blonde will try to talk to her when their alone.

“I also want that when we’re alone. Just leave it alone. That’s all I ask.” She notices Clarke clenching her jaw.

There’s a silence that falls around the room. Then Lincoln stands from his spot on the couch and stands next to Bellamy near Lexa and Clarke.

“I think i’m going to make some pancakes. You guys want some?” Lincoln asks.

Lexa nods slightly.

“Alright, Abby can you show me where you keep the mix?” Abby stands and leads Lincoln into the kitchen. From there Jasper launches into a conversation with Monty about Call of Duty and Bellamy decides to start a conversation with Clarke. It’s Octavia who stares at Lexa, knowing that the other shoe has to be dropping at some point.

//

Abby paid to have Gustus’s body flown back to New York to be buried next to Ryder. Everyone in their group joined, minus Raven once again. The condition of her leg not stable enough for her to travel. Lexa thinks she should probably visit Raven before she goes, but decides against it. Not being able to bare the look in her best friends eyes still.

She sneaks out of the hotel where their group is staying after the ceremony. She heads to the airport to book her ticket for the next day. She confirms the flight and makes her way back. She enters and Clarke, who had been taking a nap, is sitting up on the bed. The TV on, playing an old black and white movie.

“Where’d you go?” Clarke asks as Lexa sets her purse down on a luggage holder near the door.

“Out. Clear my head.” Lexa says shortly.

“Okay.” Clarke sounds skeptical but let’s it go.  
  
Instead of sitting next to Clarke on the bed, Lexa opts to sit in the chair by the window. She stares out onto the city. She has so many great memories from New York. When she was still uncertain about Gustus and Ryder so they took her to an ice cream cart near Central Park and bought her as much ice cream as she wanted, to the point that she had a stomach ache. When Lexa saw Anya skateboard so she wanted to try too. Anya took her to a ramp near Harlem and she ended up breaking her arm. Anya carried her all the way to the hospital. Nearly 12 blocks. Her first kiss at the skating rink in Rockefeller Centre. She starts to feel Clarke’s eyes on her so she turns to meet sparkling blue ones.

“What are you thinking about?” Clarke asks.

“Just…memories.” Lexa shrugs.

Clarke begins to move off the bed to Lexa. She stands in front of her then kneels down. She puts her hands in Lexa’s lap. Lexa holds onto them.

“You can talk to me you know? About anything.” Clarke says.

“I know.” Lexa says, she turns her gaze back to the city lights, these days she can’t hold her lovers gaze.

She feels Clarke’s hands start to tense.

“You haven’t really talked to me since…I mean you have been holding conversations with everyone else, but I try and you…I don’t know just shut down.” Clarke stammers. Nervousness in her voice.

“It’s nothing.” Lexa replies shortly once more.

Clarke begins to stand, clearly annoyed with the practical non-response. Lexa grabs her hand. She needs to feel Clarke. She needs to memorize the girl she loves.

Clarke stops and gives Lexa a look of confusion. Lexa stares at her. She takes in the black dress with lace sleeves she is still wearing. It hugs her curves in all the right places. She takes in her wavy hair, with pieces tied together in the back. Her light make-up and her pink lips. The freckle she loves just above her lip. Her button nose, her long eye-lashes, then finally those piercing cerulean eyes. Lexa stands from the chair, their eyes never leaving one another. Lexa still has a hold of her hand. She takes her free hand and cups the shorter girl’s rosy cheek. She sees Clarke audibly swallow. She can see Clarke searching her eyes. Lexa softly closes her eyes and Clarke does the same. Their lips meet somewhere in the middle. It’s soft, delicate. Much like their first kiss. They pause their movements, but keeping their foreheads together, lips on each other. Clarke, silently asking if they should be doing this, Lexa answers by leaning in more forcefully.

Their mouths dance with one another, it’s Lexa that swipes her tongue across Clarke’s lips, immediately she is granted access. Their dance continues with lips and tongues. Lexa memorizing the taste of Clarke’s mouth. She begins moving Clarke backwards towards the king size bed of the hotel room. Lexa reaches behind Clarke for the zipper to her dress. She unzips it, never pulling her lips from hers. It falls to the ground and Clarke does the same. Lexa then lays Clarke on the bed. She finally pulls away, reaching for the light on the bedside table. She turns it off and the only thing lighting them is the lights from the city that never sleeps. Lexa stares down at Clarke as she lays on top of her. Clarke brings her hand up to rub her thumb gently over Lexa’s bottom lip. Clarke stares at her own ministrations. Then gently brings the same hand around Lexa’s neck and brings her lips back towards her own.

Their hands entwine with one another. And they make love. It’s different this time. There’s no hunger or urgency to reach their own highs. It’s completely intimate, romantic, tragic.

And Lexa memorizes every movement, every kiss, every ‘I love you’ whispered in her ear.

//

The sun hasn’t come up yet. Lexa sits at the desk. She writes, and writes. She looks back at the blonde laying sound asleep on her stomach. The expanse of her back exposed as the city lights from the window twinkle like the galaxy all over it. She finishes her writing and carefully puts it in an envelope. She sets it by the nightstand.

She looks down at Clarke. Her hair is messily in her face, her arm is stretched out to where Lexa was asleep. The sheets are bunched up by her naked waist. Lexa decides to risk waking her up by moving a piece of her hair from her face. She stares at the pale skin. A soft tear falls from her eyes as she whispers to the sleeping girl.

“I love you too.”

She grabs her bag and purse, takes one last look at her best friend, her lover, laying so peacefully in the bed. She then gently opens the door walks out and barely makes a noise as it clicks shut.

As she walks out of the hotel to find a cab to JFK, it begins to rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me or Lexa too much folks! 
> 
> Also ten points to whoever gets the Farewell to Arms reference.


	3. For The Irony I'd Rather Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three years pass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to just leave part four as it is. It's the longest of the chapters. So here's this one. Hope you guys like it. Loving the responses to the story thus far. Most of the confrontations and long awaited talks that need to be had are in the fourth part, this is kind of a filler in a way. I find this chapter to be the weakest of all the parts. The last being my favorite. Wasn't sure where I wanted to cut it off because when I wrote this story I kind of just wrote it all out then went through and found parts that would be great stopping points. So forgive me for the slight cliffhanger.
> 
> The fourth part needs some editing still so expect that monster to be out next week.
> 
> As always you can come yell at me here: cohenatwood.tumblr.com

_Three years later…_

Clarke was late. Very very late. But technically it wasn’t her fault; a patient had come in after having stabbed themselves with a knife trying to cut an avocado. Raven couldn’t fault her for that.

As she approached their regular cafe she can see the brunette stirring a cup of coffee through the window, her braced up leg resting on the seat in front of her, cane leaning on the window.

She enters and starts her apologies almost immediately.

“I’m sorry, i’m sorry! I know i’m late, had a pretty fucked up patient come in and had to help with it.” Clarke takes a seat after Raven moves her leg from the chair.

“Chill Griffin, it’s all good.” Raven takes a long sip of her coffee, closing her eyes, relishing in the taste.

“So you ready to do this?” Clarke asks.

“Clarke,” Raven snaps, “It’s fine. Octavia made us both maid-of-honors. I’m not terrified of being around other people in love just because the love of my life died.” She says bluntly.

“You on the other hand…” Raven continues after a beat.

Clarke snaps her eyes up from a wedding magazine she was looking at. She narrows her eyes, already knowing where Raven was taking this conversation.

“Don’t start.” She sighs.

“I’m just saying, it’s been three years, Clarke. She left you in the middle of the night in a hotel room. No one has heard from her. None of us even know if she’s alive. How do you not see that Lexa was always using you? She knew you were in love with her a lot earlier than you think and she used it to her advantage. She used you then left you. When the hell is the last time you even went on a date?”

“Just…drop it. Please.” Clarke pleads.

“Whatever.” Raven picks up a magazine and begins staring intently at the pages.

Clarke tries to do the same but is distracted by Raven, once again, going in on her. Since the accident, Raven was a lot harsher. She was always blunt but now there’s a bite to her bluntness. Clarke knows Raven isn’t upset at Clarke. She’s upset about the entirety of the situation.

The two sit in silence, flipping through wedding magazines for bridesmaid dresses that match Octavia’s theme. Clarke occasionally glancing up to look at Raven.

It’s clear the events that unfolded three years ago have hardened the girl. Her eyes are tired, distant now. The snarky, quick witted girl had left when Anya had taken her last breath.

“A year and a half.” Clarke mutters keeping her eyes on the bridal magazine.

“What?” Raven asks, looking up from where she was reading.

“I haven’t gone on a date in a year and a half.” Clarke says, setting down the magazine to look at Raven.

“Hmm.” Raven hums.

“It’s pathetic right?” Clarke asks.

Raven searches Clarke’s eyes, she softens and sighs, slumping back in her chair.

“I haven’t even given anyone a second glance in three years, so I guess I can’t really have an opinion.” Raven says.

Clarke is a little taken aback by her response. She’s been use to her going in on how terrible Lexa is and how Clarke needs to move on. She was not expecting that.

Clarke stares at Raven for a moment, “Let’s just…get back to this.” She gestures to the stacks of bridal magazines.

//

“C’mon buddy, time to get up.” Lexa whispers to the sleepy little body.

“Hmm.” The little boy sleepily mumbles.

Lexa grins, she still finds it kind of amazing that a four-year old has trouble waking up in the mornings. But with Aden, it was like trying to wake the dead. Lexa decides to lay down next to him and begins rubbing his back, trying to coax him awake. Soon his sleepy blue eyes open and he gives a warm smile.

“Hi sleepy head.” Lexa grins back at him.

“Hi mama.” Aden whispers.

“Did you have good dreams?” Lexa whispers, continuing the motions on his back.

“Yes. No bad ones.” He grins.

When Lexa left her life in Polis, she left feeling hollow and weakened. She travelled a lot, taking freelance writing jobs all over the world. She used a pseudonym so no one could find her and drag her back to Polis. After a year of going and experiencing different cultures, she’d settled in Paris. She was assigned to cover a month long story on an orphanage there. Aden was a year old and was like Lexa, no blood relatives to speak of; his mother dying during child birth, father died six months before he was born. Lexa had spent a lot of time with the baby and just couldn’t bare the thought of him being stuck there. Alone. So she took a huge leap in her adult life, she adopted the boy. It has been the greatest decision, she wholeheartedly believes, she will ever make in this lifetime.

She wrote her first novel during her first year with Aden. She wrote about traveling and recognizing that she was running away from her grief. She told her story in that novel, of course using different names and places. It had been a huge success in the States and South America. She was more well off than she has ever been. Now she is living in the small beach community of Laguna Beach, CA. She loved the quaintness of the town. The small businesses, the beautiful beaches, the weather. It reminded her of both Polis and Arkadia combined, just with more beachfront property.

Lexa sits up on Aden’s double bed and he watches her.

“What do you think about Mickey pancakes this morning?” She eyes him with a sly grin.

His face lights up and he shoots out of bed, “You’re my favorite mama!” He squeals.

“Well I should hope so!” Lexa laughs. She places a kiss on his forehead and the two make their way to the kitchen.

As Lexa prepares the pancake batter, she smiles. Remembering the first time herself, Anya and Raven had a pancake batter war with one another. It wasn’t the last time that had happened either. She shakes her head, with a smile still plastered on her face as she begins pouring the batter into a Mickey Mouse shape. She hears her phone chime with a text message. She looks at it and sighs. Realizing no matter what, she will probably never escape the memories of her old life.

She knows she’s being a hypocrite. She wrote an entire book on how you shouldn’t run away from your problems yet here she was. A big house, more money than she knew what to do with, a beautiful toddler and on the wrong coast. She was avoiding everything east coast because of a certain blonde and brunette. A problem she wasn’t feeling like fixing because she knew she was in the wrong.

[Bellamy] 8:23; So we’ll be at your house by 5 this evening. And we WILL be going out, no ifs ands or buts. Give the little guy a kiss from me and tell him I can’t wait to see him!

Yeah she knows. It’s absolutely wrong. After about 5 months of traveling that first year she left, Octavia had figured out where she was. She got a phone call and had talked it out with the fiery brunette. Surprisingly, she had understood. Octavia had only told Bellamy where she was and he understood where she was at in her grief as well. She kept in touch with the two of them and one other person from her life there. Lincoln only just recently discovering that his future wife and brother-in-law have been keeping this secret. Of course Lincoln made Octavia fly themselves here so he could see her. She doesn’t know what lie the three of them concocted in order to come and doesn’t really want to know.

“Here you go bud.” She sets the little mini-mickey pancakes in front of her son. She starts to comb his blonde hair with her fingers, trying to fix his messy bed head.

“Tank you very much mama.” He begins shoveling the pancakes in his mouth. She can’t help but grin at the sight. This kid will for sure be the death of her.

“Bell-Bell just told me he can’t wait to see you tonight.”

His eyes widen and he grins, “Bell-Bells comin’?”

“Mhmm, ‘Tavia is too and she’s bringing a new friend you haven’t met.” She says, stealing a bite of his pancakes.

“‘Tavia too!?” He exclaims in excitement.

Lexa can’t fight the toothy grin she gives her son, “Yup, so we gotta go shopping today, and you need to be good during your nap.” She stares at him pointedly. Aden had a habit of pretending like he was taking his nap but actually running around his room after Lexa shuts the door.

He gives her an apologetic smile, “Okay mama. I promise to take my nap.”

“Good. Now finish up your mini-mickey’s. So we can get ready.” Lexa walks around the counter and kisses him on the head before moving to the living room to pick up stray toys.

//

“Mom!? Marcus?! I’m here!” Clarke calls out as she enters her childhood home.

“In the kitchen!” She hears Marcus yell out to her.

Her mom had been casually dating Marcus three years ago when ‘the incidents’ went down. They became serious soon after that and married in a small ceremony last year. Clarke sometimes still found it weird, but ultimately loved Marcus. He made her mother happy and is extremely loyal. She couldn’t ask for a better step-father.

Clarke makes her way into the kitchen and plops down on one of the bar stools watching her mother and Marcus cooking together.

“Hey sweetie.” Abby turns from the stove to give Clarke a gentle smile.

“Hey. Smells good.” Clarke pops a cruton from the salad bowl into her mouth.

“Hopefully it tastes as good as it smells.” Marcus comments.

“I’m sure it will.” Clarke smiles at both Marcus and her mother.

  
The three settle into their spots at the formal dining table and begin eating. Abby starts to stare at Clarke, making her nervous.

“What?” Clarke says with pasta still in her mouth.

Abby shifts in her seat, then looks at Marcus and he gives her a nod.

“I got the chief of surgery job at Polis General.” She schools her face, trying not to break out in a grin.

“You did?! That’s amazing mom! I’m so happy for you.” Clarke grins and watches as Abby breaks into a sheepish grin as well.

“So you’re not uncomfortable about us working in the same hospital?” Abby asks.

“I mean, it’ll be strange at first, but i’m really excited.” Clarke says.

“Well, you know Polis is a little ways away. And now that i’m going to be chief, I need to be closer to the hospital. So…I need to sell the house.” Abby takes a deep breath.

Clarke stops eating and looks at her mother. She had lived in this home her entire life, now it was going to be someone else’s home?

“Why can’t you just keep it? Rent it out or something?” Clarke asks.

“I looked into that actually, no one in the market would want to rent a house this big. This is a buying neighborhood. It’d just be sitting here empty, eating our money up.” Abby states.

Clarke swallows. She gets it. It’d be irresponsible financially to keep the house. Marcus on the opposite side of Clarke lights up at an idea.

“Hey Abby, have you thought about maybe Octavia and Lincoln? They’re moving back here after the wedding, they might be willing to rent it or buy it?”

Clarke breathes a sigh of relief. She’d much rather have her two friends in her childhood home than strangers.

“Yeah, actually that’s a good idea. I’ll give her a call after dinner.” Abby says, Clarke sees tension leave her mother’s body.

“It might be hard to reach her. She’s in California with Bell and Lincoln for some pre-wedding thing.” Clarke says. Abby drops her fork and starts to pale a little. As quick as the reaction happened it was gone.

“Well i’ll just send her a text then.” She says.

//

Lexa hears the doorbell ringing and knows exactly who it is. Aden squeals, and jumps up from where he was laying on the floor drawing and runs to the door, beating Lexa. But unfortunately for him, he’s still too short to reach the doorknob.

Lexa opens the door and sees Octavia and Bellamy beaming. Aden rushes out the door to both of their arms.

“Bell-Bell! ’Tavia! Missed you!” Bellamy begins picking the young boy up and Octavia begins giving him a kiss attack all over his face.

“I missed you too little buddy.” Bellamy says hugging onto the little boy.

Aden looks behind Bellamy’s shoulder and sees Lincoln and scrunches his face up in confusion.

Lexa also looks and sees her old friend. He looks pretty much the same. His head shaved, more of a beard. She did forget how tall the man was though. She notices Lincoln shift uncomfortably on his feet. Bellamy let’s Aden down and he walks back over to Lexa, hiding his face behind her leg. She bends down to talk to him.

“Whose that mama? He’s big.” Aden gulps. Lexa can’t help but chuckle a little.

“That’s your uncle Linc. He is going to marry ’Tavia in a few months.” Lexa says.

She sees Octavia smirk at the exchange then looks over at Lincoln who also has a smile. Lincoln steps forwards and bends down so he’s at Aden’s height.

“You must be Aden. I heard you’re a pretty big dinosaur fan.” Lincoln says. Aden lights up a little as he watches Lincoln reach around and pulls out a little dinosaur figurine. He hands it to Aden and Aden gives him a shy grin.

“Tank you.” He quietly whispers but keeps a grin on his face.

“Well how about you guys get your bags and come in.” Lexa says.

Aden runs back into the house with his new figurine. The three guests enter and drop their bags as Lexa shuts the door. She turns around and feels Octavia launch herself at Lexa.

“Ugh, i’ve missed you and your adorable son.” Octavia exclaims.

“I’ve missed you too.” Lexa says. Octavia lets go and Bellamy grabs Lexa and pulls her into an embrace. He lifts her up and begins spinning her around. She can’t help her laughter.

“Bell you were here maybe three weeks ago!” Lexa laughs.

“Hey, doesn’t mean I can’t spin you.” Bellamy stops his movements and lets Lexa down. Lincoln is standing off to the side, a smile on his face.

Lexa steps up to him and wraps him into a hug.

“I’ve really missed you, Linc.” Lexa whispers.

“I’ve missed you too, Lex.” Lincoln replies.

Lincoln and Lexa pull back from each other and Lincoln looks her up and down.

“So you’re a mom now huh?” Lincoln smiles.

“Yeah, I am.” Lexa nods enthusiastically.

Bellamy begins walking to the living room where Aden is playing with his new figurine. The rest of them follow.

“Who knew she liked children right?” Bellamy jokes.

Lincoln laughs, “I do remember that time Clarke got that idea to have a kids day and we all went to Chuckie Cheese. Lex, was miserable.”

Octavia laughs hard at the memory and Lexa can’t help but grin.

“In my defense, I was 20 years old and not even thinking about my future, let alone having a child.” Lexa holds her hands up.

The group just laughs, thinking back to those old memories.

//

“Mom, do you have any stamps?” Clarke asks

“There should be some in my office. One of the drawers.” Abby says, looking up from the book she was reading on the couch.

Clarke makes her way to her mother’s office and begins rummaging through the drawers in the desk. She stops when she sees the stamps, but something else catches her eye.

She grabs the stamps and sets them on the desk before grabbing the picture. It’s a boy, blonde hair blue eyes. He’s grinning and looks like he’s at a beach, holding up a sand shovel. Clarke looks down and sees there are other pictures of the boy. She picks up the next one and the boy is a little younger, judging by his haircut. He’s sitting in front of a train set, wearing dinosaur pajamas, in front of a Christmas tree. The last picture is a baby picture, she can tell it’s the same boy, he’s smiling with no teeth up at someone with long brunette hair. She can’t see who the brunette is as she’s holding the boy and the angle makes her hair block her face.

Clarke is a little confused as to why her mother has random pictures of a boy she’s never seen before and decides no harm can be done if she asks. She grabs the beach picture and the stamps and trudges her way to the living room.

“Did you find them?” Abby asks as Clarke makes her way into a recliner.

“Yeah. I also found this and other pictures?” Clarke cocks her eyebrow at Abby.

Abby looks up and sees the photo and shuts her book.

“Do I have like a secret sibling somewhere?” Clarke jokes.

“No, he’s…a patient.” Abby says.

“Oh, he’s really young. Is he doing okay?” Clarke asks. She knows there are certain patients her mother has grown attached to over the years and realizes it’s not that odd now that her mother has explained it.

“He’s doing great. Nice and healthy.” Abby says.

“That’s really good. What’s his name?” Clarke asks.

Abby noticeably pauses real quick before saying the name, “Aden.”

//

Octavia’s phone chime’s quite a bit as they all sit out on the patio after coming back from dinner. Aden had warmed up to Lincoln quickly after playing with his new toy and was now attached at the hip with him. He now is being cradled by the big teddy bear of a man as he sleeps.

“You know i’m a little jealous.” Bellamy says, eyeing Lincoln.

“Sorry to knock you off the top of the favorites list.” Lincoln smirks.

“I am actually at the top of that list.” Lexa voices. She looks over at Octavia, seeing she’s frowning at her phone.

“What’s up, O?” Bellamy asks, also noticing her frowning. Octavia doesn’t answer and just slides her phone across the table to Bellamy. He takes it and begins reading. He also begins frowning then looks up to look at Octavia, then looks to Lexa. He then slides the phone over to her.

Lexa raises her eyebrows in confusion but then takes the phone and begins to read.

[Mama G] 8:55; Clarke was here this evening. She was looking for some stamps and found some photos of Aden and asked a lot of questions. I told her he is a patient.

[Mama G] 8:55; Let Lexa know, tried texting her but she hasn’t replied.

Lexa frowns and hands the phone back to Octavia. She sees Octavia shoot a quick text back then lays her phone down.

Lexa leans back in her chair and sighs.

“You alright?” Bellamy asks.

“Yeah, I guess.” Lexa shrugs.

“Have you thought about what I asked? You coming to the wedding?” Octavia asks.

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea O.” Lexa says.

“I think it might do everyone some good if you went.” Lincoln says, Lexa watches Octavia eye him for a second.

Lexa decides to ignore Lincoln and gestures to the sleeping boy he’s holding, “I’m going to take him to bed.”

She gets up and walks around the table to where Lincoln is holding Aden and bends down to retrieve him. He wraps his arms around Lexa, mumbling a little as she makes her way back into the house and upstairs. She makes it into his room and gets him awake enough to get his pajamas on. He lays back on his bed and Lexa covers him up. She strokes his hair and kisses him goodnight before turning on his planet nightlight and walking back to the patio.

She stops in the kitchen and grabs a couple of beers, knowing she was going to need some alcohol to have this conversation with the group.

She steps out and notices the three were engaged in an intense conversation as Octavia has a scowl on her face, Lincoln looks incredibly annoyed at her, and Bellamy looks anxious.

“Here.” She hands Bellamy a beer. And begins holding one out to Lincoln who shakes his head. She moves to sit down by Octavia and gives her a beer.

“Why don’t you think it’s a good idea?” Lincoln speaks.

“Lincoln” Octavia says sternly.

“It’s fine, O.” Lexa waves her hand. She opens her beer and takes a long pull before speaking again.

“A lot has happened Linc. Going back, especially with Aden, that’s going to complicate so many things. Octavia and Bellamy have helped so much in these years, going back will just fuck up their relationship with Raven and…Clarke.”

“That’s a weak excuse and you know it.” Lincoln narrows his eyes at her.

“What do you want me to say!” Lexa bursts. Bellamy raises his eyes in shock, Octavia swallows.

“You write an entire book about how you need to face grief head on and not run away, yet you’re doing exactly like.” Lincoln calmly challenges.

“That’s not what i’m doing!”

“Yes it is! You know you screwed up. You know you abandoned them, us.” Silence falls over them.

Lexa swallows, Octavia and Bellamy have never really called her out before. She knows Lincoln is right. She knows. But she’s terrified of confronting this decision she made. Confronting the girl she loved. Still loves if she’s being honest.

“It’s late. And we’re use to east coast time so it feels even later. Let’s head to bed.” Lincoln says, looking over at Octavia. They both stand and Octavia places a kiss on Lexa’s head and Lincoln, surprisingly does the same before saying goodnight to Bellamy.

Once they leave Bellamy looks over at Lexa and smirks.

“Gotta love family time right?” Bellamy takes another pull of his beer.

“Yeah.” Lexa says, also taking a pull. This is why she loves and trusts Bellamy. They can just sit in silence or move away from an awkward topic seamlessly.

“So I got tickets to a Dodgers game tomorrow, is it alright to take Aden with me?” Bellamy asks.

“Absolutely. He loves hanging out with you. You should have seen how excited he got when I told him you were coming back to visit.” Lexa grins at the memory.

“Yeah, I love him.” Bellamy smiles at Lexa. He takes a deep breath.

“Sometimes though when i’m with him, or with the two of you, I can’t help but think - I know two other people who would be in love with him too.” Bellamy eyes her.

Lexa sighs, “I know.” She thinks of how much Aden reminds her of a certain blonde, especially as he gets older. He’s not blood related whatsoever, but he looks like her. He loves art just like her, he gets excited about minuscule things like she used to. If Lexa didn’t know any better, she’d think Clarke actually gave birth to the boy.

“You know you’ve made a lot of progress with yourself. You’re aware of everything. But being aware of it and actually overcoming it are two different things. Maybe…it’s time to make a visit. Make things right once and for all.” Bellamy says. He stands up and rests his hand on her shoulder. “Think about it. I’m gonna head to bed.” He places a kiss on her head and walks into the house.

//

Clarke was exhausted from another 27 hour shift at the hospital. But she had more maid-of-honor stuff to take care of for Octavia. She wasn’t sure when the girl, her brother, and fiance would be back so she decided to give them a call.

She clicks on Octavia’s name and hears the ringing and Octavia picks up.

“Hey O.” She hears some mumbling and what sounds like a kid giggling in the background before there’s nothing in the background.

“Hey, Griff! What’s up?” Octavia says, a little too cheery.

“Uh…I was just wondering when you guys are headed back here. There’s things Rae and I need your approval on.”

“Oh we’re headed back tomorrow morning, should be there in the evening.”

“Okay. Sounds like you guys are having fun. Who was that kid giggling in the back?”

There’s a pause then Octavia speaks, “Oh uh- that was Bell. You know how he is when Lincoln tells a joke. Sometimes I think they’re getting married instead of Lincoln and I.” She chuckles.

Clarke can’t help the smile that spreads across her face, “That’s true. They’re both like school girls around each other.”

“Exactly! But hey, I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow evening! Love you.” Octavia says.

“Alright sounds good, love you too!” Clarke ends the call and begins trying to clean up her apartment. She hasn’t had the time to do a deep clean because of her busy schedule.

After about an hour of cleaning, Clarke stumbles upon a piece of the past. It’s the long letter Lexa left her when she disappeared. Well, more like ran away. She hasn’t read it in a long while. The first year, she was reading it almost every night before she cried herself to sleep. The last time she read it though, she surprised herself with a different reaction. She had gotten angry and ripped one of the pages to shreds. Then she regretted it after calming down - taping it back together.

She picks it up and contemplates whether she wants to read it again. She knows it all by heart now, but there was always something about looking at Lexa’s cursive writing. Knowing she had thought those words out and laid her pen to it. It comforted her. It made her seem more real, less like a memory. A feeling she’s been feeling a lot lately.

She decides against it. Raven’s right. She needs to move on. Lexa is gone, and never coming back.

//

Octavia hugs Aden so hard he starts squealing, “’Tavia! You’re crushing meeeee!”

“I’m sorry! I just love you so much.” She begins placing kisses all over the boy and he laughs.

Lexa, Lincoln, and Bellamy watch on with grins plastered on their faces. Octavia finally lets go of the boy with tears welling up as she steps over to give Lexa an embrace.

“God, it’s always so hard to leave!” She sadly chuckles.

“I know. I’m sure you’ll be making a trip back out here, since you love the weather so much.” Lexa replies as she squeezes the younger girl tighter.

“You’re right. If I had it my way, i’d move here.” Octavia pulls away and gives Bellamy a hug. Bellamy decided he wanted to stay for a couple more weeks.

Lincoln steps up and wraps Lexa up in a bear hug. “I’m so happy you’re okay. And the life you’ve built, they would be so proud of you.” Lincoln whispers in her ear. Lexa swallows the lump in her throat, knowing what/who Lincoln is talking about. Everyone she’s lost.

She nods and gives Lincoln a sad smile after pulling away. Lincoln looks at Aden and picks him up. Aden squeals again in surprise but is giggling.

“It was so good to meet you finally, little man!” Lincoln gives the young boy a kiss on the cheek.

“Love you Linc!” Aden exclaims and wraps his arms around his neck.

“Love you too bud. Whose your favorite now?” Lincoln gives Bellamy a smirk and he rolls his eyes.

Aden actually looks to be thinking about it really hard, furrowing his brow before he yells, “Mama!”

“Dang, I guess she can be number one.” Lincoln pretends to be heartbroken. Lexa steps up to grab the young boy from Lincoln’s arms.

“Sorry boys, but he knows where his priorities are.” Lexa holds Aden who gives her a kiss on the cheek.

“Alright, the cab is waiting, and traffic is a bi- the worst. I’ll give you a call when we get back to Polis. I love you all!” Octavia says as she opens Lexa’s front door.

“Sounds good. I love you both, I promise we’ll send Bell back in one piece.” Lexa smirks at Bellamy who just shakes his head.

“Or don’t send him back at all. We all need a break.” Lincoln deadpans while walking out the door.

“Dick.” Bellamy mumbles.

“Language. He’s in a parroting phase.” Lexa scolds.

“Dick!” Aden yells, Bellamy covers his mouth trying not to laugh. Lexa glares at him.

“Have fun you three!” Octavia and Lincoln yell before entering into the cab and driving off.

Bellamy and Lexa both sigh and Aden looks between the two. He grins mischievously at them.

“Dick!” Aden exclaims, Bellamy walks into the house trying hard to hold back his laughter so Aden doesn’t see him and think it’s funny.

“Aden, don’t say that word. It’s naughty, and if you say it again, we won’t go down to the beach.” Lexa sternly looks in the young boys eyes, make sure he can tell she means business.

He huffs, “Okay mama.” Lexa puts him down and he goes running after Bellamy.

//

“So how was the trip? Obviously fun since Bellamy decided to stay.” Clarke says, bringing the wine glass to her lips while she watches Octavia unpack her bag.

“A lot of fun. If I could get a job there, I would live there.” Octavia says. Throwing clothes in a laundry hamper.

“You know, you and Bell go there a lot. Especially recently. Do you have some secret family there or something?” Clarke jokes.

“Har-har. No, we just like it there. We actually fight less when we’re there. Nice little sibling bonding place, I suppose.” Octavia eyes Clarke, hoping she doesn’t see through the lie.

“Hmm. Maybe I should use my vacation time to go there. Nice little quaint beach town. The pictures you posted on Instagram make it look like a tropical paradise.” Clarke begins scrolling through the app to look at the pictures of the beach. It is a really beautiful place.

“Yeah you should. But let’s be honest here, you’ll never take a vacation. You’re just like your mom, you have to work. It’s ingrained in you.” Octavia says, joining Clarke on her couch and pouring herself a glass of wine.

“That’s true.” Clarke says. They sit in silence for a moment, sipping their wine.

“How’s Rae doing?” Octavia asks.

“You know, the usual.” Clarke decides to spare her the details of Raven’s rants.

“Sorry to have missed that.” Octavia sarcastically says. They both know how Raven can get, especially as of late.

“I think this wedding is getting to her a lot more than she wants to let on.”

“I know. I just…she’s one of my best friends, both of our best friend and I want her to be apart of it.” Octavia sighs, “Maybe I should just pull her, make her just a guest. I don’t want this to do more damage, ya know?”

Clarke shakes her head, “No, she’ll kill you. I think that would hurt her more. I’ll keep an eye on her.”

“It’s gonna be weird. Not having them there. Gustus was like our surrogate dad. Anya…well we know how Anya was.” Octavia chuckles at her memory.

“Yeah. And Lex.” Clarke takes a long sip of wine. Octavia turns to look at her, she has a look on her face that Clarke can’t quite decipher.

“Yeah. And Lexa…how are you doing with that, by the way?” Octavia asks.

Clarke sighs, Octavia and herself don’t talk about it much, but when they do? It ends in a lot of tears from her. But she’s moving on, she’s determined.

“I think, i’m done being sad. I’m more angry than anything. But i’m moving on, I have a lunch date on Wednesday.”

“Oh really? With who?” Octavia quirks her eyebrow.

“A guy Raven knows. She insisted on it.” Clarke says.

“Well, I hope it works out.” Octavia says dryly. Clarke shakes her head. She knows Octavia is just saying it, the girl is still holding out hope for Lexa. Anytime Lexa is brought up around Raven and herself, Octavia is always the one who defends her and then Raven stops speaking to her for two days. Clarke has banned them from talking about it when they’re around each other.

“Yeah, we’ll see.” Clarke states.

The two sit in silence, both clearly thinking about the past. Wondering when things got so complicated and screwed up.

//

Lexa and Bellamy lounge in beach chairs, watching Aden attempt to build a sandcastle. He had insisted he didn’t need any help from them. So far it has ended up looking like a big blob.

“So what do you think?” Bellamy asks.

“I’m not sure.” Lexa says, taking a sip of water. Bellamy and her have had many late night discussions since Octavia and Lincoln’s departure. Bellamy suggested that Lexa and Aden return with him, stay with him at his apartment. Himself and Octavia would ease everyone into the conversation that they’ve been keeping in touch with Lexa since a few months after she left.

“What’s your trepidation? Besides the obvious points.” Lexa takes a deep breath.

“You two have been great. Really amazing. But you’ve kept this big secret from them, and I don’t want to be the cause of them being pissed at you. Not to mention if Clarke finds out Abby knew and talks to me regularly. So many relationships will crumble because of this.” Lexa sighs, runs her fingers through her beachy waves.

“Listen. O and I made that decision ourselves. Do you not remember 7 months after you left, you told us it was okay for us to tell people that we had found you. It’s not only on you. O and I made difficult decisions too. They have every right to get pissed at O and I. But I think you’re underestimating their forgiveness.”

“Maybe, Monty, Jasper, and Nathan. But Clarke and Raven? From what O’s told me, especially about Raven, the minute they even think i’m breathing they’re gonna burn me at the stake.” Lexa says seriously, which makes Bellamy laugh.

“I’ll admit. Those two will be tough. Especially Raven. But I believe in their forgiving power. It’ll be hard on you, but I think you’ll find you are going to feel so much better. Not having that weight on your shoulders, letting Aden know who the rest of your family are. We are your family you know.” Bellamy says, he bumps shoulders with her.

“I know. Have I ever said i’m sorry that I didn’t see that sooner?” Lexa turns from looking at Aden and the ocean to Bellamy.

He chuckles, “Many times. Especially when you’re drunk and crying about Clarke.”

“Do I really?!” Bellamy laughs harder.

“I figured I’d spare you the embarrassment each morning after we get hammered.”

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I don’t remember. Anytime you get that look of determination in your eyes that you’re gonna get me drunk, you succeed valiantly.” Lexa chuckles, memories of going out to bars with Bellamy and insisting she’s not drinking playing through her mind.

“It’s part of my skills on my resume.” He winks. Lexa shoves him over, making him fall sideways out of his beach chair laughing.

“You’re an idiot.” Lexa can’t help but laugh. Aden comes running over after hearing the adults cracking up and seeing Bellamy on the ground.

“Mama! What did you do to Bell-Bell!” Aden looks at her quizzically.

“We’re just playing, babe.” Lexa laughs they’re interrupted by Lexa’s phone chiming with a FaceTime call. She grabs her phone and sees it’s Abby. “C’mer Ad. Nana is FaceTiming.” Aden runs over to her and sits on her lap as Lexa answers it. Instantly Abby’s face fills up the screen.

“Hi baby!” Abby smiles, Aden’s face grins bright and bubbly.

“Hi Nana, I’m building a sandcastle all by myself!”

“You are? You are getting so big!” Aden nods his head, proud.

“I think I need to invent something so he stays this small.” Lexa speaks up, giving a sly grin. Bellamy laughs.

“You were just saying yesterday you can’t wait till he’s older and stops throwing temper tantrums.”

“Shut up.” Lexa says giving Bellamy a look.

“Hey Bell, I didn’t realize you didn’t come home with Octavia and Lincoln.” Lexa angles the phone to show Bellamy, now sitting upright in his chair.

“I was simply having too much fun with my favorite little man to leave.” Bellamy gives Aden a wink and he beams.

“Well, I had some time so I just wanted to see how you and Aden are doing. I sent a present and a card for your birthday, Lex. It’ll be there before your birthday.” Abby smiles warmly at both Lexa and Aden.

“Oh Abby, you didn’t have to do that.”

“Of course I do. You’re just as much as my child as Clarke is. All of you kids are.”

“Nana, when do you come here?” Aden speaks up playing with a shovel in his lap.

“I probably won’t see you for awhile, baby. I’m sorry.” Abby casts her eyes down.

Aden juts out his lip and goes to get off Lexa, “Okay…”

“Well I won’t keep you from building your sandcastle. I’ll text you Lexa. Bellamy i’ll see you when you get back. I love you guys. Aden I love you.” Abby says.

“We love you as well. Aden say bye to Nana.”

“Bye Nana, love you.”

“Bye sweetie love you too.”

And the screen goes dark. Bellamy gives Lexa a look, knowing that Aden can see Abby a lot sooner if they would come back with him for a few weeks.

“Alright.” Lexa speaks.

“Alright?” Bellamy questions.

“We’ll come back with you for a month or so.” Lexa sighs. Already feeling the nervousness in her stomach.

Bellamy breaks out in a toothy grin. “Thank god, I was actually dreading riding the plane by myself.”

Lexa shakes her head and laughs. She figures as long as Bellamy is by her side, she can get through this.

//

Clarke sits at the restaurant, starting to wonder if she’s going to be stood up. The guy, Finn is his name, that Raven has set her up with is 20 minutes late. Soon she sees a stocky, floppy haired guy making his way to her.

“I’m so sorry i’m late. I had a last minute client and they just wouldn’t stop talking. You’re Clarke i’m assuming.” He smiles. Clarke smiles and holds out her hand.

“Yes, Clarke. And you must be Finn.” Clarke says.

“That would be me.” He takes his seat across from her and the waiter comes by to take their orders for lunch.

“So tell me about yourself. Raven didn’t really mention much about you, honestly.” Clarke asks.

Finn launches into what he does, he’s a financial planner. He’s nice enough, very engaging and she has a lovely conversation with him. But after about ten minutes, she realizes this probably will not go anywhere beyond being friends. They don’t have very many similar interests or goals. After eating the two continue they’re conversation and it surprisingly takes a turn.

“So, Raven mentioned you haven’t really been interested in anyone in awhile.” Finn states.

“I guess. I mean…I don’t know. My last relationship, if we can call it that, just - doesn’t seem finished yet? I actually don’t think i’ve ever actually admitted that out loud.” Clarke shrugs, surprising herself that she said it out loud. But I guess sometimes saying things to a stranger who doesn’t know much about you helps.

“Yeah, I can tell.” Finn smiles.

“Oh god, i’m sorry. Was I coming off that transparent?”

“No no, you’re fine. I could just tell within the first minute that we were probably going to walk away from this being friends at the most.”

“I’m sorry to have dragged you into this. I keep having these empowered moments where I think I want to move on… but honestly I don’t. And that probably sounds super pathetic to you.” Clarke starts to feel a little self-conscious.

“No not at all. I get it.” There’s a silence between the two. It’s not awkward, but comfortable.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Clarke asks him. Not really knowing how they got to this point in conversation during a lunch date.

Finn looks at her surprised. “I’m not sure. Maybe? Do you?”

“I do.” Clarke nods her head, “I sound like a hopeless romantic, but I do. I believe whole-heartedly in them. Maybe it’s because I know i’ve met mine already.”

Finn nods and smiles, “Well, Clarke Griffin, I hope your soulmate comes back to you.”

“Me too.” Clarke smiles.

And she realizes in that moment. She won’t ever be able to move on. Not until she finds Lexa again.

//

Lexa’s twenty-sixth birthday came and went. First having a little party with Aden and Bellamy before Bellamy announced he had gotten a babysitter for the night. The two went out and Lexa attempted to play wing-woman for Bellamy, but ended up screwing up when the girl asked for her number instead. They ended the night with each other, drunkenly eating birthday cake in the kitchen reminiscing about High School and College. Two days later they were on a plane. Headed back to the past Bellamy and her were just remembering.

Aden was a trooper on the plane. Getting compliments from other passengers after they landed. Lexa’s stomach would not settle down though the entire ride to Bellamy’s spacious two-story loft. Passing by all the old shops their group would hang out in. When they pass the cemetery that Anya is buried in, Lexa actually has to swallow some bile. Realizing she abandoned her too. She puts on a brave face for Aden, whose wide eyed, looking around at the new city.

They make it to his apartment building, a bellhop taking their bags up to the loft.

“Didn’t realize you were like Eloise? Living in a hotel?” Lexa jokes.

“Not a hotel, dummy. Not my fault my tech company is super successful and I can afford to live in a place where they hire people to carry your bags.”

“Of course, a palace fit for a king.” Lexa winks.

“So says the true leader who has more money than all of us. How is the second book coming anyways?” The three of them walk towards the elevators. Aden asleep on Lexa.

“It’s coming.” Lexa, in truth, hasn’t written anything past the first paragraph in months.

“I’m sure it is. That’s why you did zero writing while I was there?” Bellamy cocks an eyebrow and smirks.

“Okay, so i’m having some writers block. Sue me.” Bellamy chuckles quietly, trying not to wake Aden as it was already pretty late.

They make it to the loft and Bellamy sets the two of them up in his guest room. Lexa having to share the king size bed with Aden. She gets the sleepy boy in his pajamas and puts him to bed. Then puts her own pajamas on, sleep shorts and a large t-shirt and makes her way out into the living room where Bellamy has poured two glasses of whiskey.

“I’ve been here for maybe 2 hours and you’re already trying to get me drunk.” Lexa jokes, accepting the drink.

“Hey, who says i’m trying to get you drunk? Just a little buzzed, maybe.” He shrugs.

“I’m still recovering from my birthday, so this is the only one i’m having.” She points her finger at him.

The two make their way to the couch and sit in silence for a minute.

“Does it feel weird?” Bellamy finally asks.

“Weird? No. Terrifying? Absolutely.” Lexa takes a sip of the whiskey.

“O hasn’t said anything to anyone yet. Her and I are going to get together sometime this week and discuss how we’re going to do it. I’ll just make her come here so you know what is said.”

“So do Aden and I have to just hang out here like we’re both Anne Frank?” Lexa raises her eyebrows and smirks.

“No. I don’t live anywhere near the others so you’re free to go wherever you like. There’s a really nice cafe down the street. You should take Aden there sometime this week, he’ll love the cake pops.”

“I’ll have to do that.” Lexa nods.

More silence envelopes them. Bellamy then speaks up again.

“Did you or do you still miss her?” He asks, Lexa knows instantly who he is talking about.

Lexa nods. “Everyday.”

“She never moved on you know. I know we never told you what she was up to. But I figure you should know since you’re here now.”

“That’s not comforting. I told her that’s not what I wanted. Her to be stuck waiting for me.” Lexa says.

“When did you tell her that?” Bellamy furrows his brow.

“I wrote her a letter before I left. I left it on the nightstand at the hotel that night. She didn’t say anything about that?” Lexa looks at Bellamy, same look of confusion.

He shakes his head, “Never mentioned anything about a letter. Not to anyone I know at least.” They both take a sip of whiskey at the same time.

“Would you get back together with her? If she were willing?” Bellamy hesitantly asks.

Lexa thinks about the question for a minute. Then decides on her answer.

“If it were just me, i’d say in a heartbeat. But it’s not just me anymore. Plus, I wouldn’t ask something like that from her, I don’t deserve it.”

“You guys are meant to be though. You made a mistake…” Lexa interrupts Bellamy.

“I didn’t make a mistake. If I hadn’t left, I never would have gotten Aden. I will never look at it like a mistake. Maybe that’s something you guys don’t want to hear. But it was not a mistake. And if she is expecting me to come crawling on my knees, saying leaving was a mistake. It just won’t happen.” Lexa sighs.

Bellamy nods, understanding where she was coming from.

“Remember that time a year ago?” Bellamy is smirking now and Lexa knows he’s up to something.

“What time?” Lexa questions.

“When we were drunk and everyone kept mistaking us as a couple. So you said ‘ _i’ll give them a stupid hetero couple_ ’ and kissed me, then threw up and yelled ‘ _i’m so gay!_ ’” Bellamy is laughing now.

Lexa shakes her head and groans, “God! You promised you would never bring that up again. Not my finest drunk moment.” Lexa can’t help but laugh.

The two settle down, and continue sipping their whiskey’s until Bellamy’s clock strikes midnight. Lexa decides she’ll head to bed and Bellamy does the same.

Lexa lays in bed, listening to Aden softly breathing beside her. Knowing that whatever happens between her and their group of friends, Aden will always come first.

//

“So next Wednesday is when i’m trying on the dresses I shortlisted.” Octavia says as her and Clarke walk down the block.

“I’ll get someone to cover my shift. Rae is free every Wednesday, and my mom should be free.” Clarke and Octavia turn the corner.

“Ugh, I need a pick-me-up. You wanna get some coffee and chill for a little?” Octavia asks.

“Yeah, I have nowhere to be for the next few hours.” Clarke spots a cafe and points at it while Octavia nods.

“So how was that lunch date? You haven’t mentioned it.” Octavia asks as they continue to make their way towards the cafe.

“It was fine. Finn’s a nice guy but it won’t go anything beyond friends, if that.” Clarke says, she opens the door to the cafe.

“Why is that?” Octavia questions as they enter.

“Well…” Clarke is interrupted by something running into her legs. She looks down and sees bright blue eyes looking up at her. She looks at them, and knows she has seen those eyes somewhere before.

“Aden, you can’t just run off -“ And she knows that voice. The voice she has dreamt about almost every night for the past three years. She looks up and sees the long brunette hair turn and her verdant eyes meet her cerulean.

“’Tavia! Mama, look it’s ‘Tavia!” Aden, says. Clarke breaks her gaze with the brunette and looks at Octavia who visibly pales.

“Hey, buddy. It’s so good to see you.” Octavia says nervously. Clarke stares at her, in complete shock. She feels the brunette walk past her and watches as she picks up the boy.

“We’re gonna be late, bud. We can see ‘Tavia later.” Clarke watches Lexa glance at her before she looks at Octavia and is clearly having a conversation with their eyes. Aden turns his gaze to Clarke.

“Whose that Mama? ’Tavia?” He points at Clarke.

Lexa instantly just walks out of the cafe with the boy, all Clarke hears is, ‘ _but I didn’t get to say bye to ’Tavia!_ ’.

Octavia has her head down now and chances a glance up at Clarke. Clarke takes a shaky deep breath and gives Octavia the biggest glare she has probably ever given and walks out of the cafe, deliberately choosing to go in the opposite direction of where Lexa and, the boy, no - her son  
went.

Betrayed. That is the only feeling that sums this up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who else loves the idea of Bellamy/Lexa being besties? I had so much fun writing them together. Expect more of it in the next/final part. Clarke's pissed. Expect a lot of yelling and fighting and heartbreak. But also a LOT of healing.


	4. Down To The Shoreline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the final part. This is super super super long so enjoy. Thanks for all your comments and support. Expect another AU at some point in the future as well as an update of my other fic. 
> 
> As always you can contact me here: cohenatwood.tumblr.com
> 
> Hope you like the ending!

Clarke can’t breath, that’s one thing she knows. The other thing she knows is she just saw Lexa. She’s not dead, she’s not missing, she’s right here; the same city, with a child to boot. She also knows Octavia has been aware of this. Her own mother has been aware of this. What the hell did they think they were accomplishing by lying to her?

She hears Octavia yelling after her and she decides she knows exactly where to go. She turns a corner. Another corner. Then she’s at the exact apartment building that she needs to be. The only person who has told her the truth, who was right all along. The one who will be able to put this into words for her. She stops in front of the building and watches as Octavia realizes exactly what she’s doing. She buzzes the apartment and the voice of Raven comes through.

“Who is it?”

“Open up.” Clarke can’t help the anger in her voice. Octavia goes to grab her arm.

“Let me explain. Please.” Clarke glares at the girl as she hears the buzz to the door. She steps in and Octavia naively follows. Clarke knows the girl has no idea the shit storm that is about to happen. She has spared Octavia on how Raven feels about Lexa over the years. She hasn’t listened to her rants about the girl at length like Clarke. Raven is the one that will be able to put the anger and betrayal she is feeling into words. And she won’t stop her.

Clarke and Octavia walk up the stairs, Octavia still whispering her pleas for Clarke to listen to her. They make it to Raven’s door and Clarke pounds on it. Raven opens it, she studies Clarke and realizes she’s angry about something, she looks at Octavia and sees the guilt in her eyes.

“What’d you do to Griff, O?” Clarke barges into the apartment and Octavia follows.

Clarke throws her bag to the ground and spins around on Octavia. Nostrils flaring.

“Tell her.” She levels Octavia with her hardened stare.

“Clarke, please.” Octavia pleads.

“Tell her!” Raven looks between the two girls, eyes wide as the room fills with silence.

“What the fuck is going on?” Raven asks, looking at the two of them.

“Fine be a coward! Lexa is back.” Clarke looks at Raven and watches as Raven tenses and begins to breathe heavily.

“How do you know?” Raven asks, anger evident in her voice.

“Her child, that Octavia knows and has seen, my own mother keeps pictures of, ran into me.”

Raven turns to look at Octavia, she has her head down in shame.

“Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is.” Raven asks. Octavia stays silent. Clarke watches as fury lights up in Raven’s eyes, and she’s satisfied.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU KNEW SHE WAS ALIVE! YOU KNEW WHERE SHE WAS? AND YOU KEPT IT FROM US. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? BESIDES YOU AND ABBY WHO THE HELL ELSE KNEW?!” Raven screams, hobbling closer to Octavia. Clarke thinks she might actually hit her.

Octavia shrinks in size, and keeps her head down as she whispers, “Bell and Lincoln.”

Clarke feels like she’s going to throw up. All these people have watched her cry herself to sleep more often than not. Have watched her breakdown. Watched her plead with the universe to tell her at least that Lexa was alive. And they knew she was and they just let her suffer.

“UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? YOU WATCHED CLARKE AND ME SUFFER BECAUSE OF THIS AND DIDN’T SAY SHIT? YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR SHIT EXPLANATION AND I’M SURE CLARKE DOESN’T EITHER. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT! AND YOU CAN FIND YOURSELF A NEW MAID-OF-HONOR BECAUSE CLEARLY CLARKE AND I ARE THE ONLY ONES WITH SOME HONOR HERE.” Raven screams this right in Octavia’s face and Clarke is slightly afraid that she will indeed punch Octavia in the face.

Octavia is crying, she turns and walks towards the door and opens it. She turns around to look at both of them before whimpering out, “I’m so sorry.” With that she walks out and shuts the door.

When the door clicks, the two of them are silent. Clarke can’t help the whimper that escapes her lips as all her emotions that she has had in the past three years comes hitting her full force. Raven is crying too, knowing exactly what Clarke is feeling. She limps over to Clarke and wraps her arms around her and they both fall to the ground, sobbing.

The past three years, she has wanted nothing more than Lexa to come back. She wished it on every shooting star she saw, on every birthday candle she blew out, on every dandelion.

But not like this.

//

Lexa and Aden make it to the museum in record time. Lexa practically sprinting away from the scene at the cafe, Aden crying because he didn’t get to say bye to Octavia. She stops outside the space museum and puts Aden on the ground. She bends down to try and soothe his tears.

“Shhh bud, it’s okay. We’ll see her and Bell-Bell later. Don’t cry.” She wipes the tears from his eyes.

He sniffles, “You promise?”

“I promise. Come here.” She wraps the boy in a hug and runs her fingers through his hair. She pulls away and he’s smiling. She takes this opportunity to send a text to Bellamy before they enter the museum.

[Lexa] 1:55; S.O.S. went to that cafe you mentioned to get Aden a cake pop and Octavia walked in with Clarke. Aden ran into her and he saw Octavia and got excited. Call O. I’m at the space museum with Ad. I’ll talk to you when we get back to your place.

Lexa takes a deep sigh. This was definitely not easing them into it. She can’t even imagine what Octavia is going through. She decides to text her as well.

[Lexa] 1:58; I’m so so sorry O. If I would have seen you guys sooner I would have ducked into the bathroom. Please tell me you’re okay.

[Octavia] 2:00; It’s fine. I’m at Bell’s. We’ll all talk when you and Aden get back. They definitely had some choice words. Enjoy the day with Aden, we’ll deal with this in a couple hours.

Lexa takes another deep breath and looks down at her son. She reaches her hand out to him and he peers up at her and grasps it. They head into the museum.

Everywhere she looks reminds her of Clarke. Of Raven. She thinks of how shocked Clarke looked. The anger in her eyes that replaced the shock. She knows she must have told Raven by now and doesn’t want to think about the anger in her eyes. She needs to set aside time to talk to the two of them, separately. She might as well just dive into it.

As Aden excitably rambles about the planets she tries to listen. Taking Octavia’s advice to just enjoy the next couple of hours with Aden. But it’s hard when they enter the planetary and she remembers the time she first almost kissed Clarke. Years before they ever got together. Clarke was just as excited as Aden, talking about the constellations. Clarke got embarrassed because she couldn’t stop talking and Lexa leaned in, but she stopped herself. That was after Valentines Day in High School. It was when she thought Clarke was straight. She wonders how different things would have been if she just took that leap of faith and kissed her that day.

“Mama?” Aden looks up at her under the lights of the make-shift stars. His blue eyes shining.

“What’s up bud?” Lexa asks, peering down on him.

“Where can you see this many real stars?” He questions, furrowing his brow.

“Where there’s no conflicting light. So outside of a city.”

“Hmm okay.” Aden begins tugging her arm outside of the planetary to more of the exhibits.

They move around the museum for forty-five more minutes before she decides it’s time to go. They stop at a hot dog stand to get a late lunch. She also gets suckered into stopping at a toy shop. She buys Aden more dinosaur toys and an electric race car. By the time they are back at Bellamy’s apartment it’s 5:00.

They ride the elevator and get to Bellamy’s floor. She opens the door with the spare key Bellamy gave her. Octavia is on the couch, wiping tears away as Lincoln and Bellamy hover over her, trying to comfort her. Aden sees her and runs towards her, dropping his toys on the floor.

“’Tavia! Are you crying cuz I didn’t say bye bye to you? I’m sorry. Don’t be sad.” Aden hugs Octavia and she hugs him back.

“You don’t have to be sorry bud. I’m not sad about that.” She kisses his head.

Lexa decides it’s time for the adults to talk. She grabs the bag of toys Aden dropped and walks over to where Octavia is clinging to him.

“Hey Ad. Why don’t you go to our room and play with your new toys. I need to make you dinner.”

He pulls away from Octavia and looks at Lexa, then back at Octavia.

“You won’t leave right?” He asks Octavia.

“No, i’ll be right here.” Octavia musters a smile.

“Hey i’ll play with your toys in your room with you bud. I want to see what you got.” Lincoln speaks up.

He grins at Lincoln and climbs across Octavia’s legs to get to Lincoln’s lap on the opposite end of the couch.

“Okay let’s go!” Lincoln stands, still holding onto the boy as he walks past Lexa and grabs the bag of toys. She gives him a nod and he returns it, making his way to the guest bedroom. The door clicks and Lexa goes to set down her bag and make her way to where Lincoln was just seated.

Bellamy stands and walks over to his bar in the corner of the living room. He pours three glasses of whiskey and walks over to Lexa and Octavia, handing them each a glass.

They sit in silence for awhile. Downing their drinks. Until finally Octavia speaks. Her voice is shaky and watery.

“We fucked up.”

//

As much as Clarke wanted to stay with Raven and vent, she couldn’t. She still had to work. She arrives at the hospital and changes into her scrubs in the locker room. She goes over to the sink and looks at her eyes. Red and puffy. She takes eyedrops out and concealer to try and cover up the fact that she is devastated at the moment.

She takes a deep breath.

“Focus, Clarke. Patients are the only thing that matters right now.” She says to herself.

She walks out of the locker room, ready to start her shift.

  
About eight hours into her shift, she sees one of the people she would rather not see. It is 1 am and she already doesn’t have the energy to deal with this. Emotionally drained already from the days events.

“Hey, sweetie. What time did your shift start? Abby asks. Clarke walks past her, ignoring her.

“Clarke?” Clarke closes her eyes and stops. She takes a deep breath before spinning around.

“You watched me cry myself to sleep for months and months. You heard all the times I begged whatever higher power to bring her back. You watched me - you knew how heartbroken I was. And you didn’t say anything. Not one thing. That little boy you keep pictures of is a patient? Yeah, what a crock of shit.” Clarke doesn’t raise her voice at all. Abby’s eyes widen. Clarke goes to turn back down the hallway before she feels Abby grip her forearm.

“Clarke. Wait.” Abby’s eyes are pleading. Clarke shakes her arm and Abby lets go.

“Just leave me alone.” Abby complies and Clarke walks down the hallway, searching for a supply closet. She finds one and begins heaving, trying to calm herself. She’s recognizes she’s having a panic attack. She looks around for a paper bag. Finally finds one and begins trying to breathe in deep.

She thinks of her father in this moment. Her father would have never done this. He would have forced Lexa to come home the minute he found out where she was. He would have told her. She closes her eyes as tears begin to fall, still trying to catch her breath. She conjures up his image in her mind and can almost faintly hear him.

“It’s okay kiddo. Just breathe. In and out. In and out. In and out…”

And Clarke’s breath begins to even out. She sits there for awhile before her pager goes off for the E.R. She pulls herself together, straightening her lab coat. Taking a long deep breath one last time before heading to the 911 page.

//

Close to a week has passed since the cafe incident. Lexa almost booked a flight back to Laguna but realized, she needed to deal with this. She can’t keep running away from the situation. A situation she started in the first place by leaving. She can’t start a shit storm and then leave. She’s older now, it’s time to be a grown up.

Bellamy tried to contact Clarke first, to get her to come to a restaurant so they could talk. She told him to fuck off. Raven decided to change her number altogether. Octavia has been a mess, actually pushing back her wedding because of this. Abby came by to see Aden and explained that Clarke and Raven won’t see her. Monty and Jasper heard from Clarke and Raven about the incident. Monty came by to see Lexa and meet Aden, Jasper refused.

Lexa had no clue how to go about this. She knows Clarke, Raven, and herself just need to be locked in a room and hash everything out. Every detail, and if they didn’t want anything to do with her afterwards, she would be okay with it. At least they will all have said their piece.

Summer was coming to an end, bringing a rainstorm with it. Although Lexa had somewhat gotten over her fear of the rain, she still sensed an impending doom when it rained.

Aden and herself decided to have a lazy day while Bellamy went to his office for a couple of hours. Watching different movies, letting Aden stay in his space pajamas for the day.

“What do you want for lunch babe?” Lexa asks as Aden plays with legos on the floor.

“Mac and cheesy.” Aden grins.

“Mac and cheese?” She corrects him.

“That’s what I said!” He sticks his tongue out at her. She can’t help but laugh.

She heads to the kitchen, thanking her lucky stars that Bellamy’s apartment is an open floor plan and she can watch him with his legos. She gets two pots and some noddles, a block of cheese, milk and butter. She begins preparing the noddles when she hears a knock on the door. Aden jumps up first, running towards the door. Fortunately for Aden, at Bellamy’s apartment he can reach the door knob.

He opens the door, and Lexa can hear him say a quiet hi.

“Aden what did I tell you about running to open the door without asking.” Lexa makes her way to the door. When she makes it she looks up from where she was eyeing Aden and sees blonde wavy hair and cerulean eyes, staring at her.

“Oh.”

//

Clarke wasn’t planning on going to Bellamy’s. Her and Raven decided to make a pact that they were only going to talk to each other from now on. It included lots of drinks at a bar and them raising their glasses, exclaiming “Fuck Lexa, and everyone who knew!”

For the first few days of the pact, she felt good. Then she felt horrible. Not because she felt guilty or anything like that. But because she has years of friendship with Bellamy, Octavia, and Lincoln. She has her whole life with her mother. She needed to know why they were willing to risk her loyalty over this. She knew the only answers she was truly going to get was go to the source of this cluster fuck. Lexa.

She wasn’t expecting the cute blonde haired blue eyed boy to answer the door. She had seen his picture, and knew who he was. Who he really was. Seeing him made her anger fall away. He is innocent in all of this.

When she hears Lexa’s voice, however, she wonders if she made a mistake. Her anger at the brunette resurfacing as she hears her footsteps near the door. She finally makes it and is in front of Clarke. She watches as Aden moves behind her leg, either shy or scared of Clarke, she’s not sure.

“Oh.” Lexa says. Clarke swallows, not really thinking she was going to make it this far and doesn’t know what to say.

She watches as Lexa bends down and whispers something to the boy. He nods his head slowly and walks further into the apartment before Clarke hears the click of a door inside. Lexa turns her gaze back to Clarke.

“Do…uh do you want to come in?” Lexa stutters. All Clarke can do is nod her head.

Lexa moves out of the way to make room for Clarke to enter. Clarke enters and Lexa shuts the door. Clarke stands awkwardly in the entryway. Not sure if she wants to sit down or not.

Lexa gestures towards the kitchen, “I need to turn off the stove before my noddles burn. Um, you can sit.” Clarke only nods and makes her way to the couch. She looks around and sees lots of kids toys. Legos strewn all over the floor in front of the TV. She never in a million years thought Bellamy’s apartment would look like this. It almost makes her want to laugh. Almost.

Lexa makes her way to the living room, choosing to sit in a chair. Clarke stares at her hands, trying to find her voice. The two sit in awkward silence for quite awhile. Clarke can tell Lexa isn’t going to speak until she does first. Clarke decides to go with whatever is on her mind.

“I put you up on a pedestal. From the moment we met, that was your place in my life. You could do no wrong in my eyes.” She looks up from where she was looking at her hands and watches Lexa shake her head.

“Clarke…” Clarke interrupts her.

“No. You’re not talking right now. I want to say what I have to say while I still have the courage.” Lexa nods her head.

Clarke takes a deep breath before starting again, “I put you up on a pedestal. That was unfair of me. You couldn’t have any faults. I thought - I thought…you know what, I don’t even know what I thought,” She chuckles harshly, “You knew in my eyes I found you perfect, didn’t you? You knew. And you exploited it. In High School when you dated Luna, I was your fallback plan. Then you dated Costia, and that was a serious relationship. But you’d still do things. You’d still kiss me on the head, you’d still call me ‘pretty girl’. You’d still hold my hand, and you’d still lay in my bed with me. You’d do all these things because you still needed me at arms length for if/when you and Costia broke up. You were using me weren’t you?” Clarke’s voice cracks at the end of her speech. Her voice small, afraid of the answer.

Lexa has tears in her eyes and she begins shaking her head,

“That’s not what that was Clarke. It was never like that. I would never do that to you.”

“When did you know I was in love with you?” Clarke blurts.

Lexa looks surprised. Clarke watches as she takes a deep breath.

“After finals, Sophomore year of college. You remember we went to your family’s lake cabin to celebrate?” Clarke nods, remembering really only parts of the weekend as she had gotten black-out drunk for the first time that weekend. Lexa nods and continues, “You got really drunk. More drunk than I had ever seen you. You grabbed my hand and asked me to go with you to the dock. We sat there and you started crying. You said you wanted to be with me. That you wanted me to be with you instead of Costia. That you loved me. I didn’t know how to respond, because…I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. You started kissing my neck but I told you to stop. Then you threw up and passed out.” Lexa chuckles a little at the end, but continues.

“I thought you were just drunk and didn’t know what you were saying. But from there I started noticing things. How attentive you were when i’d tell a story. How you’d always sit next to me when we were in a group or even when we were alone. You remember Costia and I broke up that August?”

Clarke sighs, she is slightly mortified by the revelation of her actions that weekend. She really hopes she was not the cause of Lexa’s break up with Costia, “You guys didn’t break up because of me, right?” Clarke whispers, afraid of the answer.

Lexa shakes her head, “No. I was telling the truth when I told you things had naturally ran its course. But…I knew you loved me then. But I didn’t know how I felt, I had a crush on you at the beginning of our friendship, but I thought you were straight so I got over it. Then I found out you weren’t totally straight, but it didn’t matter because at that point, I was in love with Costia. Then that night happened and I was confused.” Lexa sighs, takes a deep breath, “Maybe, I was subconsciously keeping you interested, I don’t know.”

Clarke gets a lump in her throat. “Raven told me our final year of college, Christmas break to be exact, she told you to knock it off. She said you guys got in an argument about you stringing me along.” Clarke glares at her.

Lexa scoffs and shakes her head. “I didn’t know what she was talking about. I honestly didn’t, Clarke.”

Clarke begins shaking her head, from the way Raven made it seem, Lexa was doing it on purpose.

“Then when did you figure your feelings out… if you did at all?” Clarke’s chest grows tighter.

There’s a beat. Lexa looks at the ground then takes a deep breath, meeting Clarke’s eyes.

“After graduation. We drove those two hours to that 50’s diner you had heard about. When we got there, we sat in that booth. We were talking about biology of all things, DNA I think. Some old song came on the jukebox, and you began tapping your foot on mine to the beat. It was absentmindedly. You tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear and the way the light hit your eyes…I don’t know. Something just turned over in me. And I thought, maybe I had always been in love with you.” Lexa has a small smile on her face, clearly remembering the memory.

Clarke doesn’t understand. How can someone who fell in love with you by a simple moment, just up and leave? The only sign they hadn’t been kidnapped was a letter. Clarke’s eyes well up.

“Then why did you leave?!” She raises her voice, the civilness she was able to hold onto melting away.

“After everything, I just couldn’t stay.” Lexa shakes her head.

Clarke stands up, her anger besting her, “I was never going to be enough for you was I?” She’s crying angry tears now.

She walks towards the door, ready to get out. She had heard enough. Lexa stands as well.

“I had no one! Everyone was dying around me and -“ Clarke cuts her off whipping around to look at her.

“You had me!” Clarke sobs.

Lexa swallows, she has stray tears streaming down her face, “Clarke, listen -“

“Mama?” Aden pokes his head out of the guest room. Terrified look on his face, probably from the yelling. Clarke feels terrible for not being able to keep her emotions in check enough for Aden. He’s completely innocent in all of this.

Clarke shakes her head, “I can’t. I need to go. I shouldn’t have come here.” Clarke opens the door and leaves. She makes it as far as down the block before she collapses in an alleyway, bile coming up from the intense emotions that she is feeling. Part hearing Lexa’s voice again, part anger, part sadness, part heartbreak.

Why wasn’t she enough?

//

After that disaster with Clarke, Lexa had to reassure Aden everything was okay. He got upset after Clarke left, never having heard Lexa yell before. She soothed his worries and had finally been able to put him down for a nap.

Bellamy had arrived not long after that. Lexa filled him in on the situation. What Clarke believed she had done to her.

“Well were you?” Bellamy questioned. The two were sitting on the couch, TV off, listening to the rain.

“Using her?” Lexa looks at him bewildered.

Bellamy nods.

“No. Absolutely not. I mean, not intentionally. I didn’t know that’s how it was coming across. When Raven and I had fought about it, I really didn’t understand what she was saying. You have to believe me on that.”

“I believe you. I think Clarke believes you too. Even Raven. But Raven is pissed at you. You haven’t seen her. She’s become so cynical since everything happened. You’re the person she likes to blame, because she can’t make sense of it all, you know? And you gave her the ammunition she needed when you decided to skip town. You became her outlet for the unexplainable, her anger. I think, it got into Clarke’s head a lot more than she let on. Add on her finding out O, her mom, and myself all knew where you were…” Bellamy brings the glass of water to his lips.

Lexa nods.

“You know, you told me you didn’t think leaving was a mistake. Because if you didn’t leave, you never would have gotten Aden. What did you mean by that?” Bellamy asks.

“I worded that poorly. I don’t regret leaving. I don’t. Not at all. But I do regret how I did it. But I knew you would all try and stop me if I talked to you guys about it. Or worse, Clarke would have given up medical school to come with me. I couldn’t drag her down the path I went on during that first year. I love her too much to have done that to her. I told her to forget about me. To move on. At that moment in time, I thought she was going to be next. That she was going to die next, and I couldn’t - I just, I wanted her to be happy, and I kept thinking as long as she stays by me, she won’t be. Nothing but death, doom and gloom were following me. I thought she wouldn’t ever be happy with me or worse.” Lexa sighs.

“Did you tell her that? In your letter or today?”

“No. I didn’t say that in the letter. At the time I couldn’t really formulate how I was feeling. Today? I tried but she left before I could.”

“Hmm.” Bellamy hums.

They sit in silence for awhile. It’s comfortable enough.

“Maybe you should try and seek her out this time?” Bellamy looks at Lexa.

She shakes her head. “This is my fault. I don’t want to just show up on her doorstep, unannounced. I don’t want to keep hurting her. She deserves better than that. I’m leaving everything up to her. It’s the least I can do for her.”

Bellamy nods in understanding. They sit for a moment before they hear the guest bedroom door open and a sleepy Aden walks out, still in his space pajamas. Hair wild, and rubbing a fist in his eye.

“Hey monkey.” Bellamy smiles. Aden walks over to the couch and climbs up onto Bellamy’s lap and rests his head on his chest while Bellamy wraps his arms around the boy.

“Still sleepy bud?” Lexa eyes him with a grin on her face. He nods his head, starting to close his eyes and snuggling further into Bellamy.

“Did she ask about him?” Bellamy quietly whispers, feeling Aden go limp in his arms.

“No. I think all the things she had asked about were eating away at her more.” Lexa quietly replies. Reaching her hand out to Aden to stroke his hair.

The three sit like that for awhile. Before Bellamy turns to Lexa with a smirk.

“I have decided you are officially my lesbian platonic soulmate.”

Lexa rolls her eyes.

“You’re an idiot.” She chuckles.

//

It had been another week since her conversation with Lexa. She was still upset but she realized after a few days she didn’t get all of the answers she needed. So she decides to bite the bullet and called Octavia to meet her. She decided to make her point by forcing her to meet her at the cafe where this all started.

She walks up to the door of the cafe and enters. She sees Octavia is already in the corner, playing with her hands. She decides to get a latte first before heading over. The barista hands her the ceramic cup filled with the hot liquid and she makes her way over to the raven-haired girl. She watches Octavia audibly swallow, as Clarke sits down in the seat opposite her.

“Hi.” Octavia’s voice is small.

“I have questions.” Clarke gets right to the point.

Octavia nods enthusiastically. “Okay, whatever you want to know.”

“How long did you know?” Clarke asks.

“About five months after she left. You and Raven were so upset. Hell, I was upset. We didn’t know whether she was dead or not. So I dug around. Hired a private investigator. She tracked her down writing freelance articles in different countries using a pseudonym. At the time that I found out, she was in Turkey. I didn’t contact her right away. I sat on it for about a week before I decided to do it.”

Clarke nods, “What happened when you did?”

Octavia sighs. “She was pissed. Super pissed. Hung up on me the first two times I tried to talk to her. She answered the third time though. I yelled at her. She yelled at me. She sounded just so broken. Lexa was always the strong one, ya know? But hearing her, she was lost. So lost. In our conversation, I realized she needed to do this on her own. She needed to find herself on her own, none of us could have helped her at that time. Not even you. So I kept it from you. And Rae. But I realize now, that wasn’t my decision to make. That part is on me.”

Clarke clenches her jaw. Slightly afraid to ask the next question. She stalls a little by taking a sip of her latte.

“When did Bell know? Lincoln? And…my mom know?” Clarke attempts to even her breath. Bracing herself for the answer.

“Bell found out maybe a few days after Lex and I had our conversation. He called her, talked to her. Then him and I had a conversation. We agreed that if you or Rae find out, you guys would drag her home too early to fix herself. We thought that in the long run, that was the best option.” Octavia shakes her head.

“Why? What was it that made you guys risk my trust? Raven’s trust?” Clarke harshly asks.

“Bell is my only relative left, Clarke. If he were to ever pass away, i’d go crazy. It’s only been us for so long that i’m not crippled knowing that it’s just us. But Lexa? She had Anya and Gustus. That’s it, as well. Then Anya passes, and she’s gotta deal with the fact that her sister, the one who has been there with her since the beginning is gone. Then two weeks later Gustus, the man who took her and Anya in, is gone too.” Octavia stops, thinking for a second. Then continues.

“Remember when we all went to that animal shelter, junior year for you, sophomore year for me? You, Lex, and Raven were living together?” Clarke nods, remembering. “Remember that yellow lab, named Biscuit?”

“Yeah, the three of us decided we wanted to adopt him. But someone snatched him up the next day before we could go back.”

“Who was it that went back to do the paperwork to adopt him?” Octavia questions. Clarke has no idea where this story is going.

“Lexa.”

“You wanna know what really happened?” Octavia asks. This makes Clarke furrow her brow. She didn’t realize there was a different story to this. Lexa went to the shelter, asked to see Biscuit because they wanted to adopt him, and they told her a family of four had already adopted him. She then went back to their apartment. Clarke and Raven had been sad but they were also happy because it meant he got to go to a family anyways.

“What do you mean?” Clarke questions. Octavia sighs.

“She did go back to the shelter. When she got there and asked to see Biscuit, they informed her that they had put him down the night before. That he had already been scheduled to be put down three days earlier. She was devastated. She knew you two would be absolutely heartbroken and she couldn’t stand it, so she shouldered all the grief onto herself. It’s in Lexa’s nature to do that, Clarke. So when Anya died, she didn’t cry. She kept herself together because she felt like she needed you to put all your grief onto her. But then Gustus died, so soon after that…she just felt like - she was scared because she didn’t know what to do with all that grief. I understood that.”

Clarke leans back in her chair, contemplating Octavia’s words.

“I never asked for her to do that.” Clarke whispers.

“I know. But she loved you, Clarke. She never wants to see you hurt. You have to know that at the end of all this jumbled mess, she loves you. I know you are questioning everything, that we all broke your trust, but her love for you shouldn’t be questioned. I get she was confusing when you guys were together, but anyone who payed attention to the two of you, knew that you loved each other. I knew it the night I first met Lexa. You two spent all night and morning spilling your guts to one another. I knew eventually, you two would end up together.”

Clarke wipes a tear from her eye, getting emotional listening to Octavia. That had been one of the best nights of her life.

“So when did my mom know? And Lincoln?” Clarke asks after a few moments.

“Lincoln only just found out. The trip we took to Laguna, that’s where Lexa lives with Aden. That was Lincoln’s first time seeing her. He had found out only a week before we left. He was pissed, like you and Rae. He nearly marched out of our apartment to tell you but I stopped him. Your mom found out after Lexa had Aden.”

“So Lexa did give birth to Aden?”

“No. That’s a different story that you’ll have to ask Lexa about if you really want to know. It’s not my place.”

Clarke nods. She takes a second to take in all the new information. Sipping her latte.

“So what was she doing? Those three years?”

Octavia smiles and gives Clarke a knowing look.

“You know that’s not my story to tell either.” Clarke rolls her eyes but can’t help the small smile that forms on her lips. Octavia has always been able to figure out her ulterior motives.

There’s a beat of comfortable silence before Clarke sighs.

“You lost a huge part of my trust, O. A big part. And I honestly don’t know if you can get it back.” Octavia’s eyes cast down, defeated.

Clarke continues, “But i’m willing to try. We have too much history, history that stretches way before Lexa, for me to not even try with you. But we need to go slow, okay?”

Octavia’s eyes have welled up and she nods.

“Rae’s calmed down a little bit. Not towards Lexa, but towards you. I’d advise you to reach out to her.”

“She changed her number.” Octavia says.

“I know, but she didn’t change her apartment. Go there sometime, talk to her.”

“I will.”

They sit for a moment until Clarke looks at her father’s watch. Realizes she needs to be to work very soon.

“I need to get to work.” Clarke stands and grabs her bag. She turns to look at Octavia.

“Thank you.” She says.

Octavia smiles, “You’re welcome.”

Clarke walks out of the cafe, her heart feeling a little lighter. She still feels betrayed, upset, heartbroken. But she got some answers.

//

  
Lexa was stuck. It had been months since she has been able to write past the first paragraph of her new book. Bellamy had decided he wanted guy time with Aden so he kidnapped him for the day, leaving Lexa in her current position.

Laptop open, reading an email from her publication. Her publisher wanting the first draft of her book in two months. Lexa sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. This is the last thing she needs right now. She sets her laptop on the couch cushion and walks to the kitchen. She glances at the clock, it’s 3:23pm. Definitely not too early for a glass of wine.

She returns to the couch and decides to open up her document with the first paragraph to her book. She stares at it. Sipping wine. No inspiration coming to her. She takes a deep breath. Right as she begins typing, a harsh knocking on the door breaks her of the contact.

She rolls her eyes and gets up. “Just a second.” She yells while making her way to the door.

She opens and is definitely not prepared for the person staring at her from the other side.

Raven is scowling. Lexa is at a loss for words. Completely shocked that her best friend - er- ex-best friend was standing in front of her. She takes in her appearance briefly. Noticing the brace on her leg and cane. Raven doesn’t utter a word but pushes her back so she can enter the apartment.

Lexa shuts the door, and watches Raven pace back and forth. She does it for quite awhile and Lexa decides she’ll let her speak first.

After a good five minutes she stops and looks at Lexa. Her eyes are angry, her stance is on the offensive. Lexa gulps, feeling uncomfortable under Raven’s fiery gaze.

Raven takes a deep breath, Lexa braces herself.

“You’re a piece of shit.” Raven spits. Lexa just absentmindedly nods her head, taking in her words.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Raven asks, venom still evident in her voice. Lexa goes to open her mouth to speak but Raven holds up her hand.

“No don’t answer that. You don’t get to talk. It’s my turn. You owe me this.” Lexa nods her head and gestures for her to continue.

“I get it. You lost your sister, and basically your dad and everyone in your family before that…but somehow you seem to have forgotten that your family was my family the minute Anya and I got together. You and I were family! I needed you, Lexa. I fucking needed you. And you fucking left me. You abandoned me! Just like my biological family did. You were my sister, my best friend. I trusted you! I would never tell Clarke or Octavia this, but I trusted you more than them, and you left.” Raven is crying now, chest heaving from the emotions. Lexa takes a step forward to try and comfort Raven, her own tears flowing freely. But Raven holds up her arm to stop her.

“Don’t. I just- I need to get this out. God, i’m not even mad that you left Clarke and the rest of our group. I mean, I am, but i’m not. I’m mad because you left me before you even left. You didn’t see me, not once while I was laying in that hospital bed, wondering if I was ever going to walk again. You didn’t call me to see how I was doing. You left me before you actually left. I had the others, but you were the one I needed the most, Lex. You’re the one I needed and you left. God I needed - I needed you…” Raven begins sobbing and Lexa can’t help but run to her to comfort her. Raven surprisingly lets her. Raven collapses in her arms, sobbing. Lexa is crying too, rubbing soothing circles around her back.

Raven keeps repeating, “I needed you, I needed you, I needed you.”

Lexa repeats, “I’m so sorry.”

After what seems like hours, Raven untangles herself from Lexa, wiping her eyes. She stares at her while sniffing. Lexa can still see the anger in her eyes, but it has softened quite a bit. She notices for the first time how tired Raven looks. Raven takes a deep breath.

“I don’t forgive you. And I don’t think I ever will. But i’m…i’m tired. So tired.”

Lexa nods, still unsure if she’s allowed to speak.

“So help me understand. Please.” Raven whispers.

Lexa clenches her jaw and begins nodding her head slowly. The two sit together on the floor, facing each other.

“That day…the day at the hospital, I was so numb. When I had to go to your room to tell you…” She trails off, thinking for a second of how to word what she was feeling at the time, “when I walked into the room, you had this light in your eye, like I was coming to make everything better. You’ve always had that light in your eye towards me. Whenever you and Anya had a fight and we’d hang out, you’d look at me like I could fix it. Clarke has that same look too in intense situations. But that day, I watched it go out. I couldn’t - I couldn’t bare the thought that I couldn’t help you. I was already looking at the emptiness in my eyes when I looked in the mirror…I knew - I knew if I went to see you, I would see the same thing in your eyes, I just couldn’t. I was weak. Then, Gustus passed, and I was suffocating. Everyone around me was dying. Thinking of losing any of you guys to death, I couldn’t deal. So I left.” Lexa’s voice is shaky.

Raven sighs and nods. A moment of comfortable silence passes them before Raven speaks out again, her voice laced with sadness. “Do you regret it?”

Lexa thinks of how she worded it towards Bellamy the second time they had the discussion. Decides to probably go with that answer.

“I don’t regret leaving town, no. But I regret not talking with you beforehand, I regret not explaining where I was at in my head to Clarke. I just knew if I stayed, I would be no good to any of you at the time. But I had to leave.”

Raven nods, seeming to accept the answer. They sit for a moment longer, before Raven wipes her eyes, and grabs her cane laying on the floor. She uses it to help her stand. Lexa rises as well.

“I’m still going to need a lot of time, Lexa. Like a lot. I don’t trust you. I don’t forgive you. But, I am willing to try and understand, it doesn’t mean I agree with what you did. Not by a long shot. I am still so pissed at you. I might even actually hate you. But, me being completely closed off to you…Anya, would hate me. I'm doing this for her and her only. Do you understand? Lexa nods, she honestly thought this conversation wasn’t going to go like this. She thought Raven might have come over to shank her or something.

Raven gives Lexa one last nod, before limping towards the door. She reaches the handle, but then turns around. The ghost of a smirk on her face.

“Never thought i’d see the day where Bell has kids toys all over his bachelor pad.” Lexa smiles at this.

Raven opens the door and leaves.

Lexa plops down on the couch, exhausted from the afternoons events. Yeah, no way would she be able to try and write after that.

//

Clarke sits in the cafeteria at the hospital, sipping on stale coffee. She’s been on her shift for nearly 10 hours now. Her eyes are weary, but she still has another 5 hours to go. Her thoughts of course drift to Lexa as she sits.

She still feels so betrayed by everyone. But especially Lexa. She keeps trying to hate her. She wants to hate her so much. But she also can’t help but miss her. It’s worse, knowing she’s still in the same city as her. She’s not far away now, she’s not missing. She’s blocks away, probably sound asleep next to her beautiful son Aden.

She’s happy things are going okay with Octavia now. Raven and Octavia had a long talk, Raven still being angry, but missing Octavia. She also found out from Raven that she had finally spoken to Lexa. Clarke was actually slightly worried that Raven was going to ask her to help hide Lexa’s body. But instead she explained what transpired between the two. She’s noticed Raven doesn’t have as much venom in her voice when speaking about Lexa as she used to.

She wants to go back to Bellamy’s apartment to talk with Lexa again, but she’s still way too angry. Bellamy. That’s another person she needs to talk to. She’s been a lot more harsh with him than with Octavia and Lincoln. She knows the reason behind it is jealousy. She’s jealous that Bellamy has essentially become Lexa’s better half. That he has become Aden’s other parent in a way. Those were the things she wanted with Lexa, once upon a time ago. She use to be Lexa’s better half. She wanted kids with her. She wanted to marry her. Obviously, she knows Lexa and Bellamy are not romantic, as Lexa is super gay, but she can’t help the slight pang of jealousy she feels towards Bellamy.

Bellamy and Lexa weren’t that close when they were all friends. At least that’s what she thought. They were always snarky with one another, always embarrassing the other. Always trying to get the other in trouble. She thinks now that that’s probably how their friendship works. Realizing now she probably misread it as them not really caring for one another. But now that she thinks about it, when he noticed Lexa getting uncomfortable, he always switched the subject for her. During intense arguments they would just stare at one another, having a secret conversation with their eyes. When Lexa wasn’t with her or the girls, she was with Lincoln as well as with Bellamy. They’re probably closer than Clarke had ever thought.

In a twist of fate, she sees the person she was just thinking about. Approaching her with a coffee from one of her favorite coffee shops. A timid smile on his face.

Clarke clenches her jaw as he approaches.

“So, one of the nurses said you were on break.” Bellamy awkwardly stands in front of her.

“It’s going to end soon.” Clarke says tensely.

“Well, here’s some better coffee to get you through it then.” He hands her the coffee. She accepts it, drinking the warm liquid. It instantly begins to perk her up.

“It’s pretty early for you to be making coffee runs.” Clarke says, she glances at the clock on the wall and it reads that it is almost 5:30am.

“Had to get up to help with a sick kid.” Bellamy shrugs. Clarke feels that pang of jealousy hit her. It goes away quickly, realizing Aden is sick.

“Is he okay?” Clarke asks, worriedly.

“Yeah, just an upset stomach. I probably shouldn’t have challenged him to an ice cream eating contest.” Bellamy chuckles.

Clarke nods, “Hmm.”

“Look, I came to apologize. I should have told you. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. She was a mess. She came out the other side though after about a year. I thought about telling you then, because she seemed to be doing good, then Aden came along.”

Clarke can’t stop the words that come out of her mouth, “And you decided you wanted to be the other parent?”

Bellamy looks a little taken aback. He softens and sighs, “Aden is not my child. Do I love him like he is? Absolutely. I’m not going to apologize for that.” Bellamy squares his jaw, challenging her.

Clarke sighs, she knows she’s being irrational about this. But her emotions are still all over the place. So she can’t help the next words that tumble out of her mouth.

“Is that really what was going on? You didn’t want to tell me because you wanted her all to yourself? You knew you will never have a family so you decided to make her and Aden yours?” Clarke spits.

Bellamy clenches his jaw,” You’re angry. I get it. But you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Clarke glares at him.

“Obviously I do. I’ve hit a nerve. You know you’re never going to be good enough for another person to start a family with. So you wormed your way into her good graces and decided to take on the role of father to Aden.” And Clarke knows she really doesn’t mean it. But the jealousy and anger at this entire situation is bubbling to the surface.

Bellamy looks hurt by her accusation, “I’m not gonna continue this conversation with you. You don’t have any right to be jealous. It’s not my fault that I have been there for them.”

Now this, Clarke gets angry at. She abruptly stands, and doesn’t regret yelling at him now, “Because you guys didn’t give me a chance to! You kept me in the dark!”

Clarke doesn’t wait for his response, she just walks away. Breathing hard from the anger of the conversation.

She makes it to the nurses station and takes a deep breath. Steadying herself before she does rounds.

“1,2,3,4.” She counts under her breath.

When did her relationships get so fucked?

//

“Well, even I can tell you that was the wrong thing to say, Bell. Jesus.” Lexa harshly whispers. Aden is asleep on her chest, still not feeling well after quite a early morning of puking. They are still laying in the guest bedroom, Bellamy laying down on Lexa’s other side from Aden.

“I know. I realized it when she stormed off.” Bellamy sighs, “It’s just, she was trying to insinuate that me being here for you and Aden has only been for my personal gain. It pissed me off.”

“Look, emotions are running high right now. I’m sure she didn’t mean it.” Lexa tries to defend.

“No. I think she did.” Bellamy shakes his head.

They lay there for awhile, in comfortable silence. Lexa thinking about what Clarke had said to Bellamy.

“Maybe I should go see her.” Lexa surprises even herself with this statement. Bellamy looks at her quizzically.

“I thought you said you were going to let her seek you out?” He questions.

“Yeah, I know. I don’t know. I’ve made quite the mess.” Lexa chuckles.

Bellamy nods his head and chuckles in agreement. He reaches over and puts his hand on Aden’s head.

“Geez, he’s really warm Lex.” Bellamy sits up.

Lexa furrows her brow in a panic. She feels his head and realizes he is incredibly warm.

“He was cool, forty-five minutes ago.” Lexa sits up and tries to coax him awake.

“Aden, wake up babe.” Lexa starts to panic. Bellamy’s eyes are widening as he reaches for his phone.

“I’m gonna call an ambulance. He’s still breathing though.” Bellamy places the phone up to his ear.

Lexa is starting to get hysterical. This cannot be happening to her again. Bellamy scoops up Aden and heads for the bedroom door.

“We’ll get him there quicker!” The two rush down the stairs and into Bellamy’s car. Lexa is crying, still trying to get Aden to wake up. They make it to the hospital in record time, Lexa scooping Aden up and sprinting with Bellamy into the E.R.

“We need help! He’s not waking up!” Bellamy yells.

A nurse notices the limp little boy in Lexa’s arms and immediately rushes to them. More nurses arrive and take Aden out of Lexa’s arms and place him on a gurney.

“Page Dr. Griffin. This is her grandson.” Lexa cries. A nurse nods slowly and instructs another nurse to page Dr. Griffin.

They won’t let Lexa into the room as they asses Aden. Lexa breaks down in Bellamy’s arms.

“I can’t do this again Bell. I can’t.” She cries. Bellamy strokes her hair and tries to hide the panic in his voice.

“He’s gonna be okay. It’ll be okay.”

//

Clarke is walking towards the locker rooms, ready to head home when she sees her mother. She’s sprinting down the hallway. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary if the pure terror on her face wasn’t there. Her mother was usually good at schooling her emotions. Especially in intense situations. But watching her sprint towards the E.R. with nothing but panic and terror is a cause for alarm.

Clarke decides to investigate and follows her mother. Not making her presence known.

“Where is he?!” Abby shouts. A nurse points her into the direction of a room. Abby runs into it and Clarke can see the multiple nurses and other doctors surrounding a little patient, before the door shuts. A few moments later a gurney is being pushed out and Abby is barking orders at intern doctors, clear panic in her voice. When Clarke looks at the gurney she nearly gasps.

There lies the pale little boy in Abby’s picture stash. There lies Aden. Lexa’s Aden. Abby meets Clarke’s widen eyes.

“Clarke. I know you don’t like me or Lexa right now. But I need you. I need you to stay with Aden while they perform a CT scan on him. I need to go to Lexa and inform her in the waiting room.” Abby voice is pleading with her.

“Of course. Go. I’ll stay with him.” Clarke reassures her. Abby nods quickly and sets off out of the double doors into the waiting area. Clarke begins pushing Aden’s gurney up to CT.

When they reach it, she looks at his chart. Seeing Abby ordered a head CT. She looks and sees he is running nearly a 103.5 temperature. They situate Aden in the booth and Clarke goes into the viewing area. Watching the unconscious boy be moved into the tube. A pang of heartbreak filling her.

If something were to happen to Aden, this would destroy Lexa. Clarke knew that much. She hadn’t seen them interact much, but knew that Aden was Lexa’s whole world now. She feels the tears prick at her eyes, hoping and willing the universe to give Lexa something good for once. She can hate her for leaving all she wants, but not even Lexa deserves to have another person she loves taken away from her so soon.

Abby approaches the viewing area. Clarke looks at Abby’s weary eyes.

“Is she okay?” Clarke asks. Abby shakes her head.

“We’ll never get her back if something happens to him.” Abby’s voice is shaking.

Clarke looks at Aden as she speaks, “I know.”

The results come up on the screen and Abby walks over to analyze them. She furrows her brow then begins shaking her head.

“He must have bumped his head at some point. He’s got a brain bleed. I need to get someone in there now.” Abby says.

“You can’t do it?” Clarke questions.

Abby shakes her head, “You may not like this, but he’s my grandson. He’s family. I can’t do it.”

Clarke is a little surprised but understands. She nods her head as she watches Abby page a different doctor.

Dr. Resse comes up and Abby hands him the results. He nods and begins telling his interns to get Aden prepped immediately and to scrub in. She watches him tell Abby that he will take care of it. Abby nods, but looks terrified.

“I’ll scrub in.” Clarke speaks. Abby looks at her, eyes furrowed. Dr. Resse looks at her as well.

“If it’s a conflict of interest with your mother, isn’t it a conflict of interest to you?” He questions.

Clarke shakes her head. “I don’t know him…yet. I won’t do anything. I’ll just hold his hand.”

Abby has tears welled up in her eyes as she gives Clarke a smile. Dr. Resse studies them then nods his head. “Okay. Let’s get to the OR then.”

Clarke stands up and puts a reassuring squeeze on Abby’s shoulder. She makes her way to the OR to scrub in.

Hoping this is smooth sailing.

//

Lexa can’t stay still. She is pacing and pacing. She keeps going over the previous day out loud. Bellamy, Abby, Octavia and Lincoln watching her silently. Not knowing how to handle her.

“We woke up. We had breakfast. I got him changed. He waited for me to get changed. We went to the park. We met Bellamy there. We flew kites. We saw a movie. Had dinner. Bellamy challenged him to an ice cream eating contest. He won. We went home. Played chutes and ladders. Then went to sleep. He woke up sick…” And she continues over and over again.

Finally she feels someones hands stop her. She looks up and sees warm brown eyes.

“You’re gonna ware out the floor, you know.” Raven says, stroking her thumbs across Lexa’s hands. Lexa can’t help the tears that begin to flow freely. Raven instantly wraps her up, letting her sob into her neck.

“It’s okay. Shhhh. It’s okay.” Raven rubs her hand down Lexa’s back.

She’s a little confused about how Raven is there. She doesn’t think any of the others told her as they have all been panicking just as much as her.

But it doesn’t matter in the end. Raven is freely holding her. And she is terrified that today could end in another tragedy for her.

//

“BP is stable.” An intern says.

Aden’s BP had begun dropping and Clarke was about to fall into a panic but it came back up. She’s been sitting on a chair, just holding the tiny hand. The surgery has been going on for two hours now.

“Let’s continue then.” Dr. Resse says.

Clarke feels tense. She’s been in so many surgeries and she knows anything could go wrong at any moment, but right now everything is different. It’s affecting her more than she is letting on. This little hand is attached to Lexa’s person. The one thing she cares about most in this world.

Suddenly, she wonders something. She was never superstitious, but she can’t help but to be in this situation.

“What’s the weather like right now?” Clarke asks through her mask. Some scrub nurses and a few interns look at her like she just grew two heads.

“Is that really what’s going through your mind right now Dr. Griffin?” Dr. Resse speaks up.

Clarke nods her head but knows he’s not looking at her, “It sounds weird, I get it. But it’s important for me to know what the weather is doing right this minute.”

She hears him sigh, “Dr. Farrow, will you please go outside and come back and let Dr. Griffin know what the weather is doing.” He asks.

“Are you kidding me?” Dr. Farrow, an intern, says. Very annoyed.

“You want to be in our new Chief of Surgery’s good graces? Then you’ll go outside for her daughter and come back and tell us what the weather is doing.” He sternly says, not even glancing up from the task at hand.

The intern huffs and walks away from the table ripping the mask off of his face, mumbling.

Clarke continues to stroke the tiny hand in hers.

“You’re doing so good, buddy.” She whispers quietly.

After about ten minutes Dr. Farrow scrubs back in, still looking annoyed.

“It’s a clear sky, probably around 80 degrees. Nice day.”

“Does that satisfy your curiosity Dr. Griffin?” Dr. Resse questions.

“Yes it does. I appreciate it Dr. Farrow.” Clarke looks at the intern, who glares at her. She really doesn’t care at this moment how he’s feeling.

Because it’s not raining. It’s a clear sky. It’s a beautiful day.

  
Dr. Resse fixes the bleeding and closes Aden up. Clarke doesn’t move from holding his hand as the scrub nurses start cleaning up and prep him to take him to recovery. Dr. Resse makes his way over to Clarke and puts a hand on her shoulder.

“We’re going to take him to recovery now. When we get him there, why don’t you go and get the family…your family.” Clarke looks up at him.

He’s right. They are her family. She can be pissed at some of them. She can even hate some of them at the moment. But they are her family. Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy, Raven, Monty, Jasper, her mother, Marcus…Lexa and Aden. They are her family.

She nods and stands up, still holding Aden’s hand. She looks down at the little boy, a tube still in his throat, white bandage now covering his blonde hair, except for little pieces sticking out on his forehead. She reaches out with her other hand and brushes the little pieces of hair. She didn’t realize she was crying until she saw a tear fall from the ground.

She holds his hand all the way to recovery. Before leaving him she decides to whisper to him while they are alone.

“I know I haven’t met you properly yet. But i’m proud that you pulled through. You’re a strong little guy. I can’t wait to know you.” And with that she leans forward and places a light kiss on the little boys head.

She makes her way to the waiting room. She looks out at everyone in the waiting room before walking pass the doors. Bellamy has his head in his hands, he’s crying. Her mom is fiddling with her watch, still in her scrubs. Octavia is also crying, but trying to comfort Bellamy by rubbing his back. Lincoln is just staring at the ground. Monty and Jasper are both there. Monty sitting next to her mom, his eyes closed and murmuring something. Jasper is in the corner, clenching his jaw. Raven is standing, she’s holding onto Lexa’s forearm. Lexa is trying to pace back and forth but it looks like Raven is trying to stop her. Yeah…this is her family.

They can fight, they can hate the decisions the other makes. They can get jealous of one another. But at the end of the day, they will always be there for one another.

Clarke enters and all the eyes fall on her. Lexa looks panicked, eyes wide. Clarke wants to go to her, grab her hands to make them stop shaking. But she can’t. Not now. Not yet.

“They got the bleeding to stop. He’s in recovery, but he’ll be asleep for awhile because of the drugs and trauma of the surgery. But he’ll wake up, he’ll make a full recovery.” Clarke keeps her voice steady.

Relief passes over all their faces. Lexa looks like she’s on the verge of collapsing from the deep long breath she took.

“Can I see him?” Lexa asks.

“When we move him to his own room, which should be in about 20 minutes, i’ll come get you.” Clarke puts on a reassuring smile.

She watches as Bellamy stands up and walks towards Lexa. He grabs her hands and faces her towards him.

“We’ll go together.” He tells her and she watches Lexa nod.

She knows it’s entirely inappropriate to feel a pang of jealousy in this moment, but she’s only human. She’s never actually seen Bellamy and Lexa interact since Lexa’s been back. They even look like a married couple, worried for their son. She has a flash of a fantasy sequence where she runs over and pushes Bellamy out of the way, grabbing Lexa’s hands and pulling her into a hug. Yelling that Lexa is her family, not his. She shakes herself out of the thoughts and clenches her jaw as Bellamy pulls Lexa into a hug, kissing her on the head.

She sees Raven look at her. Clarke meets her eyes and she watches as Raven raises her eyebrows. She knows in that moment, Raven knows exactly what is going through her head. Clarke decides to make her escape back to the recovery room.

She makes it about halfway down the hallway when she feels a hand on her shoulder. She turns to reprimand Raven for coming into a restricted area of the hospital. Until she meets her mother’s eyes.

“I know, you don’t want to speak to me right now. You have every right to not want to. But, I just need you to know that I love you. And I am so sorry for not being the perfect Carol Brady mother. The kind that you deserve. I thought I was protecting your heart. That I was protecting Lexa’s as well. I was wrong. I’m so sorry, baby.”

Clarke can’t handle the look in her mother’s eyes. It’s the same look she had the day of her father’s funeral all those years ago. Broken, defeated. In this moment, Clarke lets her anger melt away and hugs her mother. They hug and silently cry into each other’s shoulders.

For the first time in several weeks, maybe even years, she feels like maybe everything will be okay again.

//

Lexa can hear shuffling around the room. She opens her eyes and sees Clarke looking at Aden’s monitor. She’s curled up on the hospital bed with him. Aden woke up groggily a few hours after his surgery, saying his head ‘hurted’. She must have fallen asleep not long after that.

“How long have you been here?” Lexa whispers, startling Clarke. She watches as she puts a hand to her chest.

“Jesus, I thought you were asleep.” Clarke says. Lexa can’t help the smirk that comes across her lips.

“Not anymore. But seriously, how long have you been here?” Lexa asks, furrowing her eyebrow in concern. Clarke looks positively exhausted.

“Well I came to work in the evening…the day before yesterday. So since then.” Clarke grabs Aden’s chart and begins reading.

Lexa shakes her head, “You need to go home. Seriously.” She stares at Clarke.

“I’m fine, Lexa.” Clarke says, dismissively.

“No you’re not. You look exhausted.” Lexa says, concern lacing her voice. Clarke snaps her eyes up to look at Lexa.

“Your right, i’m not fine. But whose fault is that huh?” Clarke snaps.

Lexa swallows. She doesn’t know why Clarke snapping at her hurts a little more than it did before. Maybe because she thought they were getting somewhere. Clarke was being so comforting to her while Aden was still asleep. She sat with her in silence the entire time when she didn’t need to. She knows it was Clarke who told Raven to come to the hospital to comfort her. She knows Clarke wasn’t even apart of the surgery, she just sat there holding Aden’s hand for her. Maybe it’s time to let everything go. Things were probably never going to settle between them.

“I know. That’s why when Aden is released, we’re going to spend only a week at Bell’s before we head back home. So we can get back to our lives.” Lexa watches Clarke furrow her brow. She then clenches her jaw. She takes a deep breath and nods her head.

“You’re right…this isn’t your home anymore.” And with that Clarke sets Aden’s chart back down and walks out of his hospital room.

Lexa wants to run after her. Wants to grab her and yell at her that this place might not be her home but Clarke is her home. But she knows it’s futile. She broke her. She did this to her. It’s time to let Clarke go. It’s time to move on with their lives. She needs to let it go, if not for herself and Aden, but for Clarke.

So she just sighs, looking up at the ceiling for about ten minutes. Until she feels the little body next to her stir from slumber.

“Mama?” Aden croaks out.

Lexa looks at him and smiles. He smiles a soft smile at her. His blue eyes shining.

“Hi baby.” Lexa whispers, stroking the baby soft skin on his cheek.

“I’m thirsty.” Still not being able to pronounce the ‘TH’ in the word.

“Okay, bud. Give me a second to pour it and get a straw.” She starts to get up from the bed and then realizes Clarke had made her way back to his room. Already grabbing the pitcher from the nightstand by the bed on Lexa’s side.

She puts a straw in it and hands it to Lexa. Lexa smiles at her.

Aden begins drinking, when he’s done, Lexa sets the cup by the nightstand. Clarke makes her way over to a chair by Aden’s bed. He studies Clarke. Knowing that he’s seen her before.

“Hi Aden. I don’t know if you remember me, but i’m Dr. Griffin.” Clarke smiles warmly at the boy.

She watches Aden’s face light up, “Like Nana?” He smiles at her.

Clarke chuckles, “Yeah, your Nana is actually my mom. Did you know that?” Lexa is a little worried that Clarke is still angry about that. If she is, she doesn’t show it to Aden.

“No. I didn’t. Mama did you know dis?” Aden turns his head slightly, looking at Lexa curiously.

“Yeah I did, bud. Clarke is an old friend of mine.” Lexa chances a glance at Clarke to get a read on her emotions. Clarke just smiles warmly at Aden.

“Like Bell-Bell and ’Tavia and Linc?” Aden directs this question to Clarke. Lexa goes to tell him not exactly like that but Clarke talks first.

“Yeah, kind of like that.” Clarke says. Aden beams at this.

“So you’ll come swim?” Aden asks, Clarke looks at Lexa in confusion. Lexa laughs a little.

“He means the beach by our house. He swims with Bell and O when they come visit. Bud, I don’t think -“ Clarke cuts her off.

“Maybe someday, i’ll come swim with you.” Clarke puts her hand on Aden’s shoulder and he grins even wider.

“You can build a sandcastle with me.” Aden says. Clarke smiles wider.

“I think that would be really fun.” Clarke says. Lexa stares at Clarke, not really sure if what she is saying has a double meaning. That maybe someday things will be alright between them. Lexa shakes her head at the thought, no she’s already decided. It’s time to let her go.

Clarke sits with them for awhile, keeping her full attention on Aden as he tells her stories. Much like Lexa, he likes to make up stories. Usually about dragons and pirates. Clarke laughs and smiles at him. Lexa watches the interaction. Aden has never really been one to warm up to strangers this quick. It took him a second to warm up to Lincoln, and even still, he doesn’t ramble on stories the way he is doing with Clarke.

After quite awhile Aden starts to drift off to sleep again. Exhausted from the passionate storytelling no doubt. Clarke goes to stand and Aden opens his eyes and sleepily asks her a question.

“Will you come see me before we go home on da plane?” Aden asks, hopeful shine in his eyes. Lexa watches Clarke hesitantly look at her. She swallows and gives him a smile.

“Sure, kiddo. I’d love to see you before you go home.” He smiles and then shuts his eyes. Lexa and Clarke both watch as his breath evens out.

Lexa stands from the bed and moves over to Clarke. She gestures with her head for Clarke to follow her out of the room.

They both stand outside the door, Lexa takes a deep breath.

“You don’t have to come see him.” Lexa says, sternly.

“I know.” Clarke whispers. Lexa studies her. Clarke keeps her eyes down to the floor. But she doesn’t say anything more.

“Okay.” Lexa says.

Clarke looks up at her, clearly remembering the time they first met. The parking lot of the football game.

“Okay.” Clarke says back.

//

Clarke sighs as she moves to sit in a chair at the cafe. Octavia and Raven already sitting. She was still exhausted from the week before. She watches Octavia and Raven banter and she can’t help the smile on her face. It feels good to have them sitting like this again. Clarke still doesn’t trust Octavia, but she missed her. A lot.

“So the wedding will take place now in January.” Octavia says. Clarke and Raven nod before Raven furrows her brow.

“It’s going to be cold as shit here. You want a winter wedding?” Raven questions.

“Actually, here’s the other thing. It’s going to be a small wedding now. Just close friends and family. And…Lexa offered her backyard in Laguna.” Octavia brings the ceramic cup to her lips, looking between Raven and Clarke. Clarke sighs. Raven doesn’t really have an expression on her face.

“Makes sense. I hear she’s pretty loaded, after all.” Raven says, Octavia takes a breath that she was clearly holding.

“Thank god. I thought you would yell or something. If you would’ve done that, I would just say no to Lexa.” Octavia says, she glances at Clarke. Clarke just shakes her head.

“No, it’s fine. Really.” Clarke gives Octavia a smile. Octavia beams back.

“Oh that also reminds me. Since we’re not keeping secrets anymore, Lexa and Aden are returning to Cali in like five days. Bell is throwing a little send off party at his place. I know you guys hate her, and you don’t have to come. I just thought i’d offer.” Octavia says.

Raven leans back in her chair, contemplating it. Clarke pales a little.

Aden was released about a two days ago. She had visited him almost everyday he was in the hospital. Always when Lexa wasn’t around. She was getting use to having the sweet little boy around in her life. She really didn’t think Lexa was going to leave again. She feels an aching in her chest that she didn’t know she still had underneath all the anger.

“Yeah i’ll come.” Raven breaks her from her thoughts. Octavia looks shocked. Clarke furrows her brow at her. Surprised as well.

“Okay…i’ll let Bell know you’ll be there.” Octavia glances at Clarke briefly, but doesn’t ask her if she will attend as well.

A part of Clarke wants to. To get the goodbye she feels she deserves. The other part doesn’t want to go near Lexa with a ten foot pole. It’s all sort of confusing.

The conversation moves past the send off party before Clarke even knows it. Talking about flower arrangements and Raven begging Octavia for fireworks that she can set up.

Clarke just watches, trying to decipher what the churning in her stomach at the thought of Lexa leaving again, means.

//

“Weird.” Bellamy says shortly.

“What?” Lexa asks.

“O, just texted me. Raven said she’s gonna come to your and Aden’s send off party.” Bellamy replies.

“Hmm.” Lexa hums. Bellamy looks at her with a cocked eyebrow.

“You don’t seem that surprised.”

“We’ve been talking a lot, since the hospital.” Lexa shrugs.

“Wow. I thought you and Clarke were gonna make up long before you and Raven even saw each other.” Bellamy moves around in the kitchen. The two making dinner together.

“Clarke and I aren’t going to make up.” Lexa says. Bellamy stops what he’s doing and looks at Lexa curiously.

“You’re so sure about that?” Bellamy asks.

“I’m letting her go. We both need to move on from this. It’s over.” Lexa says, proud her voice doesn’t waver.

“You know, you told Clarke to move on three years ago, and she didn’t.” Bellamy points out.

“I have a feeling this time, it won’t be such a difficult task for her.” Lexa stirs the sauce, watching Aden lay on the couch, playing with his teddy bear.

Bellamy makes his way over to stand next to Lexa.

“Then you don’t know her at all.” Bellamy challenges. Lexa looks at him curiously. He shrugs and moves back over to the countertop.

//

Clarke sighs as she sits on Raven’s couch. Raven looks at her curiously.

“What’s up Griff?” Raven asks.

“I don’t know.” Clarke sighs again.

“Okay…” Raven glances back at the TV.

A moment of silence passes them.

“I don’t want her to leave.” Clarke barely whispers. Raven sits up a little and switches off the TV. She turns herself to look at Clarke.

“Did you tell her that?” Raven asks.

“I’ve barely even spoken to her. And when I do, I let my anger get the best of me and I end up saying things I don’t want to say.” Clarke shrugs.

Raven seems to be pondering what Clarke is saying.

“If she were here, right now. What would you say to her?” Raven asks.

Clarke sighs, she thinks of everything she has yet to say to Lexa. The words that are always on the tip of her tongue before her anger boils up and ruins it. Raven watches as Clarke takes a moment to think.

“I’m exhausted. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of having my heart broken by you. I’m tired of hating you. But most of all…i’m tired of missing you.” Clarke takes a shaky breath and looks at Raven. Raven gives her a small sympathetic smile.

“You should come with me to the shin-dig. Tell her that.” Raven shrugs.

Clarke turns back to the dark TV and just nods her head.

//

Lexa thought she’d never see the day where everyone would be together again. She was very surprised when Clarke strolled in with Raven and actually threw Lexa a small smile and wave.

Aden was excited to see Clarke as well. Squealing and running into her arms. It made warmth spread throughout Lexa.

She knew though that she was probably going to have to have a conversation with Aden. Since the hospital he has talked non-stop about his ‘Carke’ not being able to pronounce the ‘L’ in her name. She knows she needs to let him down easy that he’s not going to be able to keep the girl.

She decides she’ll have that conversation when they get back to Laguna.

  
The send off party is in full swing after a few hours. Lexa hasn’t spoken much to Clarke, just a few ‘hi’s’ and ‘can I take your plate’ . She then notices Raven, staring around the room. The two lock eyes, and Lexa can see it in her eyes. She gestures for Raven to follow her into the guest bedroom. Raven nods and gets up from where she was seated.

They make it into the guest bedroom and and Lexa closes the door. Raven makes her way to sit on the edge of the bed. As she sits she sighs and closes her eyes.

Lexa stands by the door and watches her for a moment.

“I feel the same way.” Lexa speaks, making Raven’s eyes open.

“The last time we were all together, she was still here.” Raven whispers.

“I know.” Lexa whispers as well. She makes her way to the bed to sit next to her.

Raven’s eyes start to well up a little, so Lexa grabs her hand. The two sit in silence for a moment.

“I miss her. So much. Sometimes I’ll be in my apartment and I think I see her turning around the corner. Or I hear her laughing when i’m half asleep.” Raven’s voice is shaky.

“Me too. That first year, I called her voicemail everyday just to hear her voice.” Lexa says with a sigh. Raven turns to look at her.

“That was your number?” Raven asks.

Lexa nods.

“I guess you were a lot closer than we thought.” Raven says. She gives Lexa a small smile.

“She’d be so disappointed in me. For leaving you. Gustus too.” Lexa hangs her head.

Raven shakes her head and let’s go of Lexa’s hand to grab her cheeks.

“Stop. I know we’ve been angry at you. I’ve been angry at you. But if anyone could understand what was going through your head, it would have been her. She might have called you a dumbass but she still would have understood. You’ve built yourself a career, a family. Her and Gustus would be so proud of you Lex. I know I haven’t been nice to you, but i’m also proud of you. I am.”

They stare into each other’s eyes, Lexa sees nothing but sincerity in them. She then remembers she has something of Raven’s.

“I have something for you.” Lexa says. Raven furrows her brow in confusion. Lexa stands and walks over to one of her suitcases. She unzips the front pocket and takes out a small wooden box. She walks back over to the bed and hands the box to Raven.

Raven grabs it tentatively, and opens the box. Her tears start to fall as she sees what’s inside.

“She was going to give it to you that Thanksgiving. That’s why I was being so noncommittal when you asked me that day to go ring shopping with you and Clarke when you guys got back.” Lexa says.

Raven pulls out the big sparkly engagement ring. It’s attached to a silver chain. Raven looks at Lexa, tears streaming.

“It belongs to you.” Lexa says. Raven nods and gives Lexa a small, teary smile. She holds it up and gestures for Lexa to help clasp the chain around her neck. Once Lexa’s done, Raven pulls her into a warm hug.

“Thank you.” She whispers near Lexa’ s ear. Lexa nods and pulls away.

“You’re welcome.” Her own tears now starting the fall.

A moment passes. Sitting in comfortable silence as Raven plays with the ring now safely around her neck. She looks up at Lexa.

“You should visit her.” Raven says, giving her a look that Lexa knows it means she’s aware Lexa hasn’t visited her grave since the funeral.

Lexa clenches her jaw. She nods her head. She looks at Raven.

“I’m going to slip out now. Will you cover for me?” Lexa asks. She knows if she doesn’t go now, she won’t ever go.

Raven nods.

//

Clarke watches her mother dote all over Aden. She can’t help the smile that forms on her face. Watching the boy give a kiss to her mother’s cheek every once and awhile as Abby continues telling him a story.

Things have been okay between her and her mother since the hospital. Their conversations are still short, but they’re trying. It was a betrayal, a big one. But Clarke can’t just cut the only parent she has left, out of her life. It’d be an insult to the death of Gustus and Anya. Her mother is alive, is breathing. Ignoring her would be something Clarke knew she’d regret if something terrible were to happen to her.

Clarke continues to watch her mom and Aden, when she feels someone stand next to her. She glances over and realizes it’s Bellamy.

“I’m surprised you came.” Bellamy says, staring forward at Aden.

“Me too.” Clarke replies. There’s a beat of silence. The two just watching Abby and Aden.

“You know, he’s become quite obsessed with you.” Clarke turns to look at Bellamy. He’s smirking.

“He’s a sweetheart. So the feeling is mutual.” Clarke replies.

“I wanted to apologize for that morning at the hospital. You’re right, we never gave you the chance to be there. I was out of line.” Bellamy looks down sheepishly.

Clarke nods, then sighs. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to insinuate that you don’t have their best interests at heart.”

Bellamy nods, seemingly accepting the apology.

“Are you going to go back to Laguna with them?” Clarke asks. Bellamy smirks, knowing what Clarke is thinking.

“Look. I know you think i’m the other parent. And in some cases, I might as well be. But Lexa and I are not together. In case you forgot, she’s extremely gay. She’s a total gay disaster.” Bellamy chuckles.

Clarke blushes a little, knowing her jealousy was quite obvious.

“Doesn’t mean we’ve never kissed before.” Clarke raises her eyebrows, the faintest pang of jealousy hitting her chest.

Bellamy laughs at the look on her face. “Don’t worry, she threw up afterwards and announced to the whole bar that she was super gay.”

Clarke can’t help the chuckle that comes out, imagining a very drunk Lexa kissing a boy. Gay disaster indeed.

A comfortable silence passes between them when Bellamy speaks up again.

“I know you miss her. Have you talked with her, privately?” Bellamy questions. Clarke clenches her jaw and shakes her head.

“Not since I came here and yelled at her.” Bellamy nods, understanding.

“Well, you know she’s leaving this time around. Maybe it’s time.” Bellamy cocks an eyebrow at her then proceeds to walk away.

It’s then that she sees the brunette in question, leaving the guest bedroom with Raven. Raven is wiping her eyes and clutching onto a necklace Clarke hadn’t noticed her wearing before. The two give each other a nod and Clarke watches as Lexa makes her way to the front door. Lexa opens the door and slips out.

Clarke furrows her brow in confusion. She knows she could just go to Raven and ask her what that was about. But she decides to take Bellamy’s advice. Them being out of the apartment and away from prying eyes will probably help her with all the things she needs to say. She sets her drink down and makes her way out of the apartment as well. Determined to find out where Lexa is going.

She follows far behind, not wanting to be detected by Lexa just yet. About 10 minutes into the walk through the streets, she realizes where Lexa is going.

She falters a little when she sees Lexa open the little gate to the cemetery. She decides to hang back for a little, not wanting to disturb her. She knows before Lexa left, she hadn’t ever gone back to Anya’s grave since the funeral. She is also aware that she hasn’t since she arrived, Raven is here everyday and had been asking the caretaker if a brunette had come by.

So she watches Lexa approach the headstone from afar.

//

Lexa looks at the headstone. There’s flowers growing around it. Showing her that someone has been taking care of it. Probably Raven. The light of the moon illuminating the words.

 _Anya Elizabeth Woods_  
_Beloved Daughter, Sister and Friend_  
_May We Meet Again_

Lexa kneels down and begins to trace the markings on the grave. After she’s done she sits down in front of it cross-legged. She stares at the headstone for awhile. Not really knowing where to begin.

“So I have a kid now.” Lexa chuckles lightly. She then shakes her head. Feeling ridiculous.

“God, even you can tell that was me deflecting. And you’re dead.” Lexa begins to laugh at this. She starts actually hysterically laughing before the word settles. Dead. She is dead.

Her laughing tapers off and she just stares again.

“I’m sorry.” Lexa says. She then hangs her head.

“I didn’t just abandon Clarke and Raven. I abandoned you. I’m sorry for that.” Lexa’s voice begins to crack.

She shakes her head, trying to will herself not to cry.

“You’d like Aden. He’s very smart. Thinks everything is funny. He always perks me up when i’m sad. All he has to do is grab my cheeks and tell me he loves me.” Lexa smiles. Another moment passes.

“I tried to die.” She whispers. It’s a thing she has never admitted to anyone. No one knows. Not Octavia, not Bellamy, not Abby.

“I was going into these places to write stories. Dangerous places, because subconsciously, I knew there was a possibility…I was being reckless. I didn’t value my life anymore after you and Gus. I felt that way before I left. I knew - I couldn’t…subject Clarke and everyone to that thinking. I was broken. I didn’t want to watch someone else I love die. So I wanted to die first. What kind of logic is that, right?” She hangs her head. Begins shaking it.

“A year later I was in an orphanage in Paris. Doing some story about the charities they were involved with. They left me alone and I heard a baby crying. So I walked over and let him grab my finger. He stopped and looked up at me with these bright blue eyes. He looked at me like I was going to make everything okay. The way Clarke…the way Raven would. Then he smiled at me. I knew then I could never leave him. So I took him home with me.”

“I was doing okay around that time. But Aden…he saved my life.” Lexa grins at the headstone as tears start to fall from her eyes. A silence passes.

Lexa shakes her head. “God, I wish you were here. That you could hear me.”

“She hears you.” A familiar rasp says behind her.

//

Clarke wasn’t expecting herself to walk into the cemetery. But somehow her feet just started moving. She didn’t mean to listen to Lexa talk with Anya.

The things she heard, broke her heart all over again. She wanted to run over and just hold Lexa forever. But she was frozen. Then her voice began working again.

“She hears you.” Clarke takes a step forward so Lexa can see her better. Lexa turns and looks at her. She shoots up to her feet, startled.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Clarke tries. Lexa nods and wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her leather jacket.

“What are you doing here?” Lexa asks. Clarke shrugs.

“I saw you leave so I followed you.”

“Oh.”

There’s a moment of silence between the two of them. Clarke realizes Lexa is waiting for her to speak again.

Clarke takes a deep breath and decides to just do it. “There’s a lot I need to say to you. So if you can just listen, i’d be grateful.” Clarke says softly. Lexa nods.

“Whatever you need.” Lexa says.

Clarke sighs, “I’m tired.” There’s a beat and Lexa then looks at her confused. Clarke realizes she didn’t elaborate like she had done with Raven.

“Right, I have more to say.” Clarke blushes, slightly embarrassed. Lexa gives a small encouraging smile and Clarke wishes she wouldn’t do that.

“I’m tired. The last three years have been…exhausting. I thought if you ever came back, I wouldn’t be so exhausted anymore. But then you did and i’ve spent the last few months of you here stewing in anger. In heartbreak. In sadness. In…regret. This is exhausting. All of this,” she gestures to nothing in particular, “is exhausting. But the most exhausting thing is hating you. Hating you is the most exhausting. And I don’t want to do it anymore.” Clarke says. Lexa looks at her, her eyes softening.

Lexa takes a step forward, “Clarke…”

Clarke holds out her hand to stop her, “Wait, hold on i’m not done.” She doesn’t say it with any malice. But urgency before she loses her nerve.

“Part of the exhaustion is my fault. That letter…I have it memorized down to where all the punctuations are. You told me not to wait for you. To move on from you. And I didn’t follow that. I couldn’t do it. Because the minute I saw you on the bleachers of that first football game, everything in my life made sense. You made sense to me. When you left, nothing made sense anymore. But at the hospital, being with Aden…with you. It started making sense again. I guess what i’m trying to say is, I don’t want you to leave.” Clarke holds her breath a little. She wipes her eyes, realizing she’s crying.

Lexa stares at her. Clarke watches as she sucks her bottom lip into her mouth before shaking her head looking down.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Lexa looks up at her. Clarke shakes her head and goes to speak, to tell her to stop apologizing before Lexa begins again.

“Let me say what I need to say to you. Please?” Clarke nods, ready for what she is going to say.

Lexa takes a deep breath, clearly searching for the words.

“I can’t in good conscience stay here. Not when I look into your eyes and see you so broken by what i’ve done to you.” Lexa says, Clarke’s heart sinks…but deep down she knows Lexa is right. Right now she is having a surge of confidence knowing Lexa is leaving tomorrow morning. But a day, a week from now, she could still be raging with anger. They need more time.

“But, I need you to know something before I go.” Clarke nods, understandingly.

“I loved you. I still do. That never wavered in all the years i’ve known you. I was going to tell you that, before our lives got flipped upside down. I know sometimes I wasn’t fair to you. That I didn’t talk a lot about my feelings. Specifically for you. But I do love you, Clarke. I always will. But I don’t want to hold you back. I don’t ever want to be the reason that you hold back in life. Do you understand?” Lexa says.

Clarke nods her head. She gets it. She really does. She can admit to herself that the minute Lexa left, her life stalled. Everything stilled. She stopped living in a way. She didn’t take leaps of faith anymore.

Lexa surprisingly steps forward and grabs both of Clarke’s hands. It’s the first physical contact they’ve had in three years and Clarke feels it. She feels the tenderness, the warmth, the security. It takes her breath away. She closes her eyes for a moment, relishing in it.

Lexa drops her voice to a whisper, “I’m not leaving you, Clarke. I’m not leaving you with a letter on a nightstand in a cold hotel room. I want you to know that that’s not happening here. When you’re ready, and I mean truly ready…you can call me whenever. We can talk. This isn’t like last time, I can’t stress that enough.”

Clarke nods, tears still filling her eyes. She knows it’s not like last time, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less.

The two stand there for awhile. Lexa moving her thumbs across Clarke’s knuckles, sinking back into the old habit. Clarke finally moves her eyes to Lexa’s sea-foam ones. She swims in them for a moment before she barely audibly whispers.

“I’ll miss you.”

//

_3 months later..._

Chaos. Absolute chaos was happening in the Woods household. There were workers coming in and out all day everyday for the past week. Octavia and Lincoln’s wedding was being held tomorrow in her backyard. Lexa thought the idea of it being held in her backyard was because they loved the look of it. Instead Octavia has taken the liberty of completely changing her backyard. Making it virtually unrecognizable.

Whatever to make the bride happy, I guess.

It has been three months since Lexa returned from Polis. Things were different. A weight has been lifted off her chest. The minute she and Aden stepped off the plane, she felt a longing ache in her chest. She realized she missed it there.

She found inspiration for her next book finally. It was still going through edits but her publishing company already want to pitch a movie for it. That surprised Lexa, not really seeing how a book about two best friends falling in love, getting separated, then coming back together would be a hit. Something about the best friends being girls, making it ‘revolutionary’ . Lexa of course rolled her eyes many times during that meeting.

She’d lie to anyone who asked if it is based on her own life. Calling it purely fictional. Of course it’s fiction, the two girls end up together in the end.

Her and Clarke are on somewhat friendly terms. They text each other every now and then. Emails about Octavia’s wedding exchanged. Sometimes she calls or FaceTime’s, only to talk and see Aden though. The two blonde’s have bonded immensely. Aden not even getting excited when Lexa mentioned Bellamy would be coming. Only squealing in joy when she mentioned Clarke.

The night at the cemetery was their closure Lexa has realized. It was the ending of a chapter. They will always love one another though, that much is certain.

“Mama, when is Carke coming?!” Aden squeals, knowing that everyone was arriving fairly soon.

“They’ll all be here soon, bud.” Lexa calls to him. Aden is in the living room, coloring pictures for Clarke, he had told her earlier. Lexa continues making burger patties to feed everyone for the evening.

It’s at that moment a man who was setting up the aisle carpet comes in, looking sheepish.

“I’m sorry to bother you ma’m. But, uh…one of my guys accidentally shattered one of your statues.” He rubs the back of his neck.

Lexa looks up to the ceiling and sighs audibly. She then looks at the man and waves her hand, “It’s fine don’t worry about it.” The man retreats back into the backyard to finish his work.

At that moment the doorbell rings, Aden jumps up and sprints before Lexa can yell at him to hold off. She watches Aden jump up and grab the doorknob and turn it, slightly hanging off of it while tugging it open.

Abby, Marcus, Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy, Jasper, Monty, and Nathan all stand in the entryway, talking over one another. Aden squeals loudly though, and Lexa looks at Bellamy opening his arms for Aden to run into, until Aden bypasses him straight into Clarke’s arms. Lexa can’t help the laughter that falls out of her mouth. Bellamy frowns. Everyone else begins laughing hard.

“Ouch, Bell. Looks like you and Lincoln are off the favorites list.” Octavia says in-between laughs.

“Whatever. It’s just cause I was here two weeks ago” Bellamy dismisses.

“Okay everyone come in!” Lexa yells. Everyone begins making their way in, stopping to hug and place kisses on Lexa’s cheek. Clarke comes in last, carrying Aden and listening to him intently tell her a story about a dog on a surfboard. She passes Lexa and gives her a warm smile.

Lexa isn’t expecting her stomach to do a somersault when Clarke smiled. It nearly throws her off balance. Everyone makes their way into her living room, while Lexa makes her way back to the kitchen, shaking it off.

“Everything looks so amazing Lex! This is going to be perfect.” Octavia makes her way in from the back door, after scoping out the backyard.

“Good, because they’ve nearly destroyed everything in my backyard.” Lexa smirks.

“Oh whatever. It looks amazing. You should consider just keeping it up. Spruce up the place…God did I just say spruce? I’m getting old.” Octavia hops up on the countertop.

“Actually can you do me a favor? Give a tour of the house to Rae, Clarke, Jasper, Monty, and Miller? I gotta finish these patties.” Lexa asks.

Octavia hops off the counter and goes to the living room. All Lexa hears is,

“It’s tour time bitches!” and she knows what’s coming next.

“Yeah, bitches!” She hears Aden exclaim. Lexa sighs and makes her way out of the kitchen.

Octavia has her mouth open, looking regretful. Bellamy is covering his mouth trying hard not to laugh. Abby and Marcus are both lightly chuckling. Jasper and Raven are full on laughing, Miller and Monty are shaking their heads at Octavia in disapproval, while Clarke, who is still holding Aden looks at the young boy pointedly.

“Don’t listen to what ’Tavia says. That’s a naughty word.” Lexa hears Clarke say to the young boy. He looks shameful at being scolded by Clarke and nods his head.

Lexa feels warmth spread through her chest at the two of them. Yeah this isn’t good.

“I’m so sorry. I forgot.” Octavia says to Lexa. She shakes her head.

“It’s fine…he’s heard worse from Bell.”

“Hey!” Bellamy yells out.

Lexa shrugs, “It’s true!”

The group falls into laughter at Bellamy’s hurt expression. It feels good to have the family back.

//

The night dwindles on. Monty, Miller, and Jasper left to go back to their hotel after awhile. Abby and Marcus also retreated back to their hotel. Now it was just Lexa, Bellamy, Octavia, Raven, Lincoln and Clarke out on the patio, drinking beer.

Clarke is rubbing circles on Aden’s back as he’s slumped over dead asleep. It being way past his bedtime. Lexa can’t help but stare at the two of them, her heart aglow.

“You guys nervous?” Raven directs the question to Octavia and Lincoln.

“I’m not. I’ve known I was going to marry Lincoln since I was 15.” Octavia chuckles. Lincoln nods his head in agreement before picking up their laced hands and placing a kiss.

“Yeah, you two were always sickening.” Raven smirks.

“The real question is when are Bell and Lexa just going to settle for each other.” Lincoln jokes.

Lexa watches Clarke shift uncomfortably, and tries to ease her mind.

“No offense, but Bell is definitely not my type.” Lexa laughs.

“Is today just pick on Bellamy day?” Bellamy pouts, bringing the beer bottle up to his lips.

“Even if it wasn’t, I still wouldn’t marry you.” Lexa winks.

“So you’re saying it is pick on Bellamy day.” Bellamy states.

“Yes we all got together and decided, ‘let’s bruise Bell’s ego. He needs to be brought down a few notches’. “ Clarke pipes up with a smirk.

Bellamy rolls his eyes and then gestures the beer bottle towards Aden.

“At some point, he’s going to stop being distracted by your shiny hair and come back to me.” He jokes.

“I won’t hold my breath.” Lexa retorts, making Bellamy’s mouth fall open.

“Traitor.” Bellamy sinks back in his chair.

“Sorry Bell, Aden prefers blondes.” Lexa smirks.

“So do you.” Raven says. Lexa stills and awkwardly laughs before bringing the beer bottle up to her lips. She watches Clarke’s cheeks tinge pink.

A comfortable silence falls over them. Octavia and Lincoln decide they are going to head back to the hotel.

Raven turns to Clarke.

“You ready to head out too?” Raven asks. Clarke looks at the sleeping boy she’s holding. She then shakes her head.

“Go with O and Lincoln. I’ll catch a ride later.” She smiles. Lexa watches Raven give her a smirk and wink before Clarke rolls her eyes.

“I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow Lex.” Raven hobbles over and leans down to give Lexa a hug.

After their departures, it’s only Clarke, Lexa, Bellamy and a sleeping Aden. Bellamy looks at Lexa.

Lexa can tell he’s asking her with his eyes if he should head to bed to give Lexa and Clarke some privacy. She just stares back at him.

“Well, I think i’m gonna head to bed. I’ll tuck the little guy in as well.” Bellamy stands from his chair and Clarke nods, handing Aden to Bellamy. He walks past Lexa and gives her shoulder a squeeze before walking into the house.

Now it’s just Clarke and Lexa. Lexa starts to feel nervous. The two haven’t been alone with one another since the night at the cemetery. Clarke takes a sip of her glass of wine she hasn’t touched since Aden climbed up on her lap and fell asleep. Lexa eyes her and brings her bottle of beer up to her lips.

“Your house is amazing by the way.” Clarke says, setting down her wine glass.

“Thank you. I might sell it though.” Lexa replies, Clarke quirks an eyebrow.

“Why is that?”

“I want to move closer to the beach. There’s a nice place right by there and it’s walking distance from where Aden is going to start Kindergarten next year. Be closer to the shops and all that.”

“Hmm.” Clarke hums.

There’s a moment of comfortable silence that falls over them, a light breeze makes Clarke shiver.

“Let me go get you a sweater.” Lexa moves to stand.

“That’d be great, actually. Thank you.” Lexa nods and moves into the house. She walks to her coat rack and grabs her Polis University sweater and a flannel for herself. She makes her way back outside and hands the garment to Clarke.

Clarke puts the sweater on and Lexa can’t fight the smile on her face as she watches Clarke not so subtlety inhale the sweater. Clarke looks up and realizes she was caught.

“It smells like you.” Clarke tries, her cheeks turning red.

“Well I should hope so, it is mine.” Lexa jokes. Clarke rolls her eyes.

“So how are you?” Clarke switches the subject.

“Good. Next book is going through edits. Should be out by summer.”

“That’s great, Lex. I bet it’ll be another hit.” Lexa nods.

“You nervous about graduating med school?” Lexa asks.

“A little. I have a few fellowships lined up though.” Clarke says. Lexa furrows her brow.

“So you’re not going to stay in Polis?”

“There’s a possibility. That’s one of the fellowships.” Lexa realizes Clarke is giving short answers, clear sign she doesn’t really want to talk about it. So she decides to switch the subject.

“So you seeing anyone?” Lexa mentally face palms. Not what she meant by switching the subject.

Clarke smirks and eyes her. “No, i’m not. But not for a lack of trying.” She shrugs.

Lexa smirks as well, “No one catching your eye?” She watches Clarke’s cocky smirk fade and she shrugs.

“I have a habit of comparing people.” The way Clarke is staring at her makes Lexa tingle all over. She knows what Clarke’s words mean. Lexa breaks the gaze by reaching for her nearly empty beer bottle. She downs the rest and meets Clarke’s gaze once again.

“Are you seeing anyone?” Clarke asks, and Lexa notices her eyes flick to her lips. All Lexa can do is shake her head.

Clarke nods and reaches for her glass of wine. Lexa watches her movements. The way she sips the sweet wine, then pulls the glass away. Licks her pink lips.

Lexa shakes her head, getting her mind away from the intruding sensual thoughts she’s having. Clarke is also blushing, clearly on the same wave length as Lexa. Clarke looks down at her father’s watch.

“I should probably…get a taxi or Uber to the hotel.” Clarke reaches for her phone on the table.

“I have another guest room. You can just stay here for the night. It’s late.” Lexa shrugs.

Clarke looks at her, contemplating her options.

“I don’t have anything to sleep in.”

“I can find you something. Come on, i’ll show you to the room.” Lexa stands. Clarke nods and makes her way inside with Lexa. They climb the stairs to the other unoccupied guest room.

Clarke looks around the big room. Vaulted ceilings and a gorgeous king size bed. Plus an ensuite. She turns to look at Lexa, eyebrows raised.

“You sure this isn’t the master bedroom?” She smirks. Lexa chuckles quietly. She gestures towards down the hall.

“Nope, that’s down that way. Make yourself comfortable. I’m going to go find something for you to wear.” With that Lexa departs down the hallway. She makes it into her bedroom and finds some old sleep shorts and a large t-shirt. She decides that will do and makes her way back to the guest bedroom.

Clarke is laying on the bed, her phone being held up in front of her face. She looks to be typing to someone. Probably Raven. Lexa lightly knocks on the door. Clarke gets startled and drops her phone on her face. Lexa can’t help the laugh that comes out.

“Sorry. Are you okay?” Lexa asks between laughs.

“I’m fine, just embarrassed.” Clarke says, sitting up. Lexa walks further into the room and hands Clarke the make-shift pajamas.

“I hope this will all do.”

“Trust me, I think this beats sharing a double bed with Raven. You know how she loves to kick in her sleep.” Clarke laughs lightly.

“True. But I also seem to recall you like to mumble nonsense in your sleep. So who’s really the winner there?” Lexa smirks.

Clarke mocks looking offended. She places a hand on her chest.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Lexa laughs.

“Uh huh.” The two stand there, staring at one another. Before Lexa realizes Clarke is waiting for her to leave so she can change.

“Right. Um…if you need anything, i’ll be down the hall.” Lexa says. She walks towards the door before turning around.

“Goodnight, Clarke.” Clarke looks up at her, a small smile on her lips.

“Goodnight, Lexa.”

//

Clarke awoke the next morning absolutely refreshed. She stretches out in the bed and then smells something cooking. Realizing it’s pancakes. Lexa’s famous pancakes.

She hops out of bed and makes her way into the ensuite. She looks at her ratty bed head and tries to smooth it out. She doesn’t know why she’s caring so much about what she looks like just woken up. Actually she does, but she’s not ready to admit it to herself.

She makes her way downstairs and the sight before her makes her heart flutter.

Aden is sitting up on the countertop, still in his pajamas. Music is playing and Lexa is singing into a wooden spoon. She points the tip at Aden and he sings as well. Clarke feels like her cheeks may burst from how wide she’s smiling. Lexa spots her and she breaks out into a grin.

“C’mon, I need someone to sing the harmony!” And Clarke skips down the rest of the steps. She goes into the kitchen and hops onto the counter next to Aden. She smiles down at the boy as he hugs her from the side.

Lexa stirs the batter as the next song comes on.

“ _I will spend my whole life through…loving you._ ” Lexa sings, mocking Elvis’ voice. Aden giggles and Clarke can’t help but to join in with him. Aden hops down from the counter.

“Dance mama!” Lexa sets the bowl down and grabs Aden’s hands. He puts his feet on Lexa’s and the two begin to slowly dance around as Lexa continues to sing to him.

“ _Loving you makes no difference where I go, or what I may do. You know that i’ll always be loving you…just you._ ” Aden beams up at her and Clarke’s body has never felt something more right. Aden then turns to Clarke, still on the counter.

“Come on Carke!” He holds out his tiny hand, wanting Clarke to grab it. Clarke hops off the counter and grabs it. Aden positions one of his feet on top of Clarke’s as Lexa places her free hand around Clarke. The two begin swaying around as Lexa continues.

“ _Don’t be blue…don’t you be blue. I’ll be faithful, i’ll be true…always true. True to you._ ” And Clarke can’t help but lean her head on the taller girls shoulder as the three of them sway. Nothing has ever felt right or made sense than this moment.

The song ends and Bellamy clears his throat. A smirk on his face, as he stands in the doorway.

“I hate to interrupt the moment, but we gotta hurry up with breakfast because we got a wedding to get ready for.” Clarke can’t help but blush as Lexa untangles herself from both Clarke and Aden to grab the bowl of batter.

“Alright, little man. Time for some Mickey pancakes.” Aden moves to sit on the stool and Clarke follows as Bellamy sits on the other side of Aden.

“Now Clarke, the hardest question you will ever be asked in this lifetime is…do you want a Donald Duck pancake or Mickey?” Lexa smirks.

Clarke smiles and shakes her head at Lexa’s antics.

“Hmm, I don’t know. Aden what do you think?” She looks down at the boy.

“Mickey!” His little voice shouts.

“Well with that enthusiasm, then I guess i’ll have to have a Mickey.” Clarke winks at Aden.

He beams at her. Clarke feels her heart become full for the first time in three years.

 

“So are you going to tell her?” Raven asks as she sits in the armchair in Lexa’s master bedroom. The bedroom being used for Octavia to get ready in.

“Tell her what?” Clarke fakes nonchalance, knowing exactly what Raven is talking about.

“Don’t play dumb. That you’re going to be living here full time in a couple months.” Raven retorts.

“It’s not for certain yet.” Clarke says as she tries to adjust Octavia’s wedding dress.

Octavia scoffs. “It’s certain. It was your top choice even before you knew Lexa lived here. They finally offered it to you with full benefits and relocation reimbursement and the highest salary out of all the other fellowships. It’s certain, don’t kid yourself.”

“I still have details to work out.” Clarke dismisses.

“Whatever. Help me with my hair.” Octavia says, looking in the vanity mirror.

Clarke stands and begins fixing Octavia’s hair.

“So Bell told me about the little family moment you guys had this morning.” Raven pipes up, wearing a smart-ass smirk.

Octavia whips around to look at Clarke.

“What?! What family moment?!” Octavia spits. Clarke rolls her eyes.

“It was nothing.” Clarke tries to turn Octavia’s body back around but she fights back.

“You’re blushing so obviously it was something!” Octavia points. Raven sits up.

“Oh you are blushing!” Raven shouts

“Stop, seriously!” Clarke says, but she can’t help the grin on her face as she thinks back to the moment.

“Oh just give me the details then, it’s my wedding day!” Octavia says.

Clarke sighs, already exhausted from the heckling that is about to happen.

“I woke up, came downstairs. Saw Lexa and Aden singing with each other while she was making pancakes. She told me to come join them, I did. Then Aden and her started dancing and then Aden asked me to dance with them so I did.” Clarke shrugs. Raven and Octavia have devilish grins plastered on their faces.

“From what Bell told me, it was looking a lot more intimate than just that.” Raven smirks.

There’s a beat.

“Fine I may have rested my head on her shoulder while she was singing.” Octavia squeals.

“God! I’m more excited about this than my own wedding.” Octavia says.

//

The ceremony goes off with a hitch. Lincoln cries during his vows, Octavia hilariously tells him to ‘suck it up’, he’s stuck with her. Lexa couldn’t help but stare at Clarke the whole time though as she stood next to Octavia. The beautiful lavender bridesmaid dress, accentuating her curves. Her cerulean eyes welled up, making them crystal clear and brighter. She almost felt guilty for not paying attention to the actual couple. Almost.

It was now dusk, the entire wedding party under a huge tent strung up with fairy lights as music blares through speakers.

Lexa sits as she watches Aden dance with Raven. It’s an unusual pairing, something she never suspected she’d see. But Raven’s eyes are aglow with delight and Aden is beaming. She can’t help but smile at the pair. They’ve come a long way.

She feels Bellamy sit next to her, his bowtie discarded somewhere.

“They’re cute.” He says.

“They are.” Lexa nods, smiling.

“Not as cute as this morning though.” Bellamy smirks. Lexa rolls her eyes.

“You’re reading into things.” Lexa turns away from Bellamy and goes back to watching Aden and Raven.

“Maybe. But from where i’m sitting, I see a blonde who keeps glancing over here, hoping a certain brunette will ask her to dance.” Lexa turns back to Bellamy and then follows his eyes to Clarke. She’s sitting by herself, looking around at everyone.

“Go.” Bellamy whispers in her ear. She stands up and makes her way over to Clarke.

Clarke doesn’t notice Lexa making her way over until Lexa is right in front of her. Clarke looks up and their eyes meet.

“Hi.” Clarke smiles.

“Hey yourself.” Lexa smiles back. Lexa stretches out her arm to offer her hand.

“Do you wanna dance?” Lexa questions. Clarke’s face breaks out into a wide grin.

“Sure.” Clarke grabs ahold of Lexa’s hand and the song turns into a slow song. Lexa rests her hands on Clarke’s waist as Clarke’s arms encircle behind Lexa’s neck. The two begin swaying, meeting each other’s eyes.

“It was a beautiful ceremony.” Lexa states, still staring at Clarke.

“It was. A long time coming.” Clarke says, Lexa nods her head in agreement.

“I’m glad you’re here.” Clarke says after a moment.

“Me too.” Lexa smiles. Clarke’s gaze moves to Lexa’s lips for a second, so quick that Lexa thinks she imagined it. Then Clarke lowers her head to rest it on Lexa’s chest as Lexa brings her closer.

She sees Abby sitting at a table, watching the two of them. She locks gazes with Lexa and gives her a warm smile. Lexa returns the smile. She feels home for the first time in awhile.

//

The two sway with one another for awhile. Until the song end and Aden comes over to ask Lexa to dance with him. Clarke makes her way to Abby, not wanting to go back to her empty table.

“Having fun?” Abby quirks her eyebrow. Clarke rolls her eyes as she takes a seat.

“Don’t start.” Abby holds her hands up in defense.

“Hey all I asked was a simple question.” She chuckles.

“Uh huh.” Clarke replies. She turns her attention back out onto the dance floor. She watches Lexa and Aden dance, much like how they were dancing in the kitchen this morning.

“They’re great aren’t they?” Abby asks, breaking Clarke out of her trance.

“They are. She is so good with him.” Clarke states.

“We could all say the same about you.” Abby says pointedly. A silence falls over them as they watch the other wedding patrons dance around.

“Have you told her?” Abby asks after a minute.

“Not yet.” Clarke says shortly.

“Hmm. What’s stopping you?” Clarke turns to Abby.

“Maybe…I don’t know. I’m scared, I think. About what it means.”

“You applied for that fellowship way over a year ago. No one ever implanted it in your head. You didn’t know she was even alive when you applied. It means something…I believe.”

Clarke nods. She thought about the coincidence as well, many times.

“I’ll tell her when everything is worked out.” Clarke decides.

Abby nods and then reaches across the table to grab Clarke’s hand.

“I’m proud of you.” Clarke smiles then sees Marcus approaching their table.

“I don’t mean to interrupt, but is it alright if I steal her for a dance?” Marcus asks sheepishly.

“Of course. Go have fun you two crazy kids.” Clarke jokes. Abby stands and makes her way to the dance floor with Marcus.

Clarke sees Lexa approaching her once again, without Aden. She takes a deep breath.

“Do you wanna go for a walk with me?” Lexa asks, nervously. Clarke smiles and nods her head.

On their way outside to walk around the neighborhood, Lexa stops in the house to grab her leather jacket. She places it around Clarke and Clarke feels those same butterflies she felt all those years ago when she first met Lexa.

The two make their way around the neighborhood, not really talking about much. Just enjoying each other’s company.

After a moment of silence, Lexa speaks up.

“The new book, it’s about you.” She blurts. Clarke stops walking and turns to look at her, stunned.

“What?” Clarke asks, shocked.

“My new book. It’s about you. Well, I mean you’re not mentioned by name, but it’s about two best friends, they fall in love then they get separated. I thought you should know.” Lexa rambles.

Clarke shakes her head and laughs.

“Was that bugging you?” Clarke smirks.

“Yeah, it kind of was.” Lexa says sheepishly. They continue to walk making their way back to Lexa’s house.

“How does it end?” Clarke asks, curiously.

Lexa turns and gives a smirk. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Fine, be secretive. When it’s done with edits, I want the first copy.” She points her finger at Lexa.

“Alright. I guess I can do that since you were my muse.” They make their way up to the front steps in the lit up house.

“Good.” Clarke grins. Lexa grins back. Clarke’s heart flutters and she is in trouble all over again.

//

A couple months pass and Clarke is already unpacking boxes in her new condo. The move was easy enough, getting the condo was simple. But everything about the situation was anything but simple.

She never ended up telling Lexa that she was moving to Laguna. During the last couple of months they talked more, they were starting over in a way. But anytime Clarke was about to tell the news to Lexa, something would come up. Apart of her also didn’t want to say anything because it’d make everything too real. The strong feelings she had once felt for the brunette, sneaking their way back into her heart.

Clarke decides to make her way to a mom and pop cafe Octavia had told her to visit. She makes her way inside and orders a latte and a chocolate croissant. After the barista hands the ceramic cup and her pastry she turns around and sees the brunette who occupies all her thoughts sitting in the corner. She has her brow furrowed, her bottle cap glasses perched on her nose, hair loose and messy. She’s hunched over her Mac, typing furiously. Clarke decides to go over to her. Now would be as good as anytime to tell her that Clarke officially lives in Laguna.

She walks over and sits down in front of her. Lexa looks over her laptop and he face turns up into a grin of surprise.

“This seat isn’t taken is it?” Clarke asks sheepishly.

Lexa shakes her head with a grin. “All yours.”

“Thanks.” Clarke grabs her cup of coffee and sips the warm liquid, never taking her eyes off of Lexa who just watches her in amazement. She sees something click in Lexa’s eyes.

“So you must be new, i’ve never seen you around in this coffee shop before.” Lexa smirks. Clarke laughs, knowing exactly what Lexa is doing.

“I just moved here actually, from Polis.” Clarke plays along.

“Ah, so a girl from the east coast. You must hate it here already.” Lexa’s smirk grows into a grin.

There’s a beat and then the two break out into laughter. Clarke shakes her head.

“What are you working on?” Clarke changes the subject.

“Finishing my last revision on this book.” Lexa says with a smile.

“Hmm, does that mean your muse is going to be reading it very soon.” Clarke smiles back.

“Soon enough.”

The two chat and sip their lattes for quite awhile. Clarke explaining to Lexa about the fellowship and how she just got into town yesterday. Lexa jokes that her not telling her was just karma on Clarke’s part which surprisingly makes Clarke laugh, hard. Quite surprised that she didn't feel a pang of hurt in her chest. Before they know it, the owner is telling them the shop is closing for the night.

They make their way outside and begin walking in the same direction. As they walk down the block, it begins to rain.

They rush to the same parking lot and Clarke realizes, like fate…she parked her car right next to Lexa’s.

“It’s almost like fate, huh?” Lexa calls out through the rain.

Clarke blushes as the rain pours, “I guess it is.”

Lexa grins as she steps towards Clarke. “Okay.”

Clarke grins. "Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hate to leave it open ended like that, but I loved the idea of this ending so much I couldn't write beyond it. Let me know your head canons for what happens next!


End file.
